Well, it’s 4:37am (Yep i’ve stayed up ALL night again.) I said good-bye to my hubby again today, but hopefully for only a month this time. Did the same thing this time last year and I didn’t get to see him until September. Ughh… I just pray that they won’t be gone for 8mos again.

I need to start getting my butt to bed on time. I am riddled with guilt every day by not taking care of myself. I need to be a good example for my kids, but i’m so depressed all the time. I just want to feel Happy. It’s just been SOOOOO long since I felt happy I think i’ve forgotten how.

I used to be able to be so “Positive”; always thinking on the bright side. Now I am so “negative” about most everything that that even makes me guilty and MORE negative. Grrr… I just am soooo sick of being a Navy wife. I KNOW there are TONS of woman out there that are going through the same thing I am or WORSE (husband’s gone for 18mos…or worse). They are so strong and don’t break down crying about how lonely they are, or how much they’d LOVE to be able to PLAN ahead about something. To be able to set up a family Vacation, or even plan a dang birthday party for her kids and KNOW for a fact that their hubby would be around to take part.

Last year he missed all the kids birthday’s. Lydia will be 7 on the 26th of January. Patrick is missing it AGAIN. 2nd year in a row. It’s just so frustrating. I think he will be back in time for Timothy’s ( he will be 10 on March 1st) and Clarissa’s (she will be 5 on March 9th) birthdays, but I am soooo sick of “counting” on him and being disappointed. Constantly disappointed.

The thing that makes this hardest of all, (being a Navy wife that is) is when I read/hear comments from people in this country and out that put down this war with Iraq, the fact that we step in and help take out a man who was oppressive and tyrannical. We didn’t just make this shit up. He has been a Wack job for 13+ years that I know of ATLEAST. I met Patrick and married him in 1990 and that is when Desert Storm took place. I don’t know why we didn’t step in to save the people of Iraq than, but we should have. Sure would have saved lives I think. Atleast back than we were able to do it as part of the UN and not have to do it just with Britain behind us like this time. I know that Government can be corrupt and there are many times alterior motives for SOOOOO much of what goes on in different countries; United states included. I still just wish people would put down their differences to come together to help save people of another country.

It makes me angry that FINALLY the UN decides they want in to help with Iraq, but now only after most all the dirty work is done. It reminds me of the story of “The Little Red Hen” that I read to my children. OH well, I guess what makes the world so great is that not everyone is the same. Being able to see differences and except them is a good thing. It’s just when people are dieing or being oppressed is when it seems that someone should step in and help out. Just sucks that it always seem to be the United States.

I am proud of Patrick being in the Navy. I am thankful that he is still a good Daddy even though he can’t always be here in person, but I still can wish that things were different. I think my main problem is the fact that I NEVER had anything consistent growing up. I never lived in one place for very long. Heck my mom is now currently married to her 5th husband. I haven’t seen my Dad for almost 8 years. I can’t think about to a particular time or place and say “This is where I grew Up”, “This was my Home”. Just sucks so much not having any “roots” exactly. All my life I have wanted something consistent, be able to actually have a routine, somewhat KNOW what tomorrow would hold; although I do KNOW that things happen no matter what good or bad to change things. Still I would love to be able to KNOW if Patrick would be home this Summer so we could take a family Vacation. I would LOVE to know if he will be home for our Anniversary THIS year; Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. That he would be here to take the kids to school on their FIRST day back at school after Summer break, or for Clarissa’s First day of Kindergarten since he pretty much missed the other 2.

Anyway, I will try and write more tomorrow. Maybe getting alot of this crap off my chest will help me feel better.