Hello Moon!

I would say I was sorry I haven’t talked with you in awhile, but I guess I would be lying, I sort of didn’t need you as much anymore. I stopped writing to you since I was actually allowing my family to know what I was feeling and thinking and that what I wanted/needed mattered. Actually, I know now that I have always mattered to them, but I finally started believing it. It was a conscience effort at first, but I started to believe that I AM worth loving and being considered and worth taking care of. I am not fully believing it yet, but I can feel the difference.

My “wrongness” was just part of me, for as long as I can remember. I still wake up in the morning feeling like I have already failed, but it is getting easier to realize that is just part of the inner crap that was built there as a child. I literally get up in the morning and ask Patrick… “Are you mad at me? Have I disappointed you?” At first it threw him off, but I explained and he gets it now. Most days now I don’t have to ask.

July of 2020 the first BIG steps were taken! I claimed a room in the house as my space. (Ok full disclosure, it is currently cluttered at the moment, but all part of the process.) For years my therapist has been nudging me towards finding out what things I LIKE. What do I LIKE to do, eat, see, wear, play, read, etc… Started out with Cross-stitch, then to Paint-by-numbers, then needle felting which was painful at times, then I ended up on CROCHET! I had learned a little crochet when I was a child at a church activity and used it to crochet little lace boarders on my both my daughter’s baby socks and cloth diapers for burp cloths.

Crochet has become a sort of obsession, I have so much yarn. I have posted many photos on Instagram. I have made blankets, amigurumi, a robe, baskets, pot holders, etc… Also, I crochet now, mainly to make things to give to family. Initially it was to get that feeling that “Here is a gift, don’t be mad at me and love me please”. Now I just give them to them, or make stuff to see if I can complete the pattern and for MY enjoyment and feeling of accomplishment.

Well, I need to get going, we have a 10wk old puppy! Who is keeping us sleep deprived and entertained. We still have Romeo (13), Paavo (8?), Daphne (6), and now Delilah. My beloved cat Nutterbutter died at 16yrs old in November. He had tongue cancer. I still cry and miss him, although Delilah keeps me almost too busy to grieve him as much as I had been, which is a good thing. I did crochet myself a rather large amigurumi so I can hug and snuggle it and think of Nutterbutter.

Until next time Moon!