I am Me

ImageDear Moon,

I just had this “Light Bulb” moment where it just FINALLY sunk in!!! I posted this to my FB page.

“I think I’ve been trying, and failing over and over to “fix” me my whole life. I think it’s time to just realize I’m not broken!!! I have some bad habits that need to be changed, but I’m a good person and not a mistake and I don’t need to be fixed.”

I’m NOT BROKEN!! I was feeling pretty great there for a bit, and now I’m thinking. WHY DID IT TAKE ME SOOOOO LONG!!! 😀 I wasted sooo much time trying to “FIX” me.  OK it wasn’t wasted time!! It was learning time right? I’m a better person and now I FINALLY know. Then there are the thoughts…”but what if I forget?”

Oh this is funny! I had tried printing the statement from my phone to the printer from my bed upstairs and the printer is downstairs. I scared LYDIA! hehe She wasn’t sure what the sound was and she came up and was like all freaked out in a giggly way! haha  So I told her about what I posted and she even said. “Good, now don’t forget!”.

So I’m hoping that I won’t, this feels different somehow. I’ve felt pretty good about myself before when I was believing what someone else was saying that I was ok, but this time…THIS time I KNOW IT! Lately, I’ve been thinking about my Dad a lot since he passed 5/16/2013 and with Grandma Buck passing on 5/17/2014 I’ve thought about how “embarrassing” my life must be to them, and especially Grandma Buck now that she could maybe see it now she’s died.  I’ve just wondered if she’s disappointed in the way I’ve reacted to the hardships in my life. I know I “should” have been stronger and reacted better to many things. She always struck me as a no nonsense, strong, get stuff done type of woman. I just was feeling pretty weak and silly and just stupid the past several days, but since Grandma’s funeral there’s been this perpetual underlying current that’s been there sort of buzzing along side my negative thoughts…”You are you and that’s OK.” And the word OK isn’t exactly the right word, I need a word that would mean: … “No one else is YOU and you are here to be YOU, so don’t change, all those things other people have gotten after you for: your TOO friendly, your TOO nice, your TOO needy, etc… (The obvious one I’d hear was “Too Fat” but I think that it isn’t healthy so I think that one is correct about me that I am too fat, but that isn’t WHO I AM!, that is just a bad habit or lifestyle habit that needs to be changed, but it isn’t something fundamentally WRONG with me!!), I’m TOO open minded, I’m TOO closed minded, I’m TOO OPEN, I’m TOO messy, I leave a trail everywhere I go. It’s just ME and that’s OK!

I FINALLY GOT IT!! I was just about to go to sleep too. Haha Now I’m into one of my bad habits of not taking care of me and getting enough sleep! I’m all amped up and feeling happy! I just wanted to write this all down while it was going through my mind and heart and changing me for the better.

I suspect there might be some emotional push back if I run into someone pointing out one of my “Supposed flaws”, but I’ll deal with that when it happens. I might change some things eventually, but it will be because “I” think it’s important to change it to be “The Woman I want to be”.

That reminded me of a talk I had AT the girls a few weeks back about choosing to cuss or not, or wear certain outfits or not, just choices… “What kind of Woman do you want to be!?” Clarissa put it back at me a few days later when I said or did something, which was great. I knew she was listening. Lol

Anyway, going to go to sleep now! Goodnight Moon!