Blues are back…

Dear Journal,

Hi again, I was starting to feel the “blues” coming on again so I decided to start taking the Welbutrin that the Dr. prescribed at my last visit. I didn’t want to have to be on pills again. I always just figured before it was because of the “navy” stuff that made me feel so crappy. I think mostly it’s from being lonely. Not having that feeling that there is someone in this world, (other than my wonderful hubby of course) that REALLY has time to or even wants to listen to me rattle on about my day or bitch about this or that. Not even my Mom would listen without judgement. I just want someone who would just love me warts and all. I think there are many people who would say that they would “be there” for me, but I honestly don’t believe that there are many who actually would. I would totally be there for anyone who asked me to, although I’m not in a good place myself to actually probably help anyone, but I would listen and help them if someone needed me.

Ugh… It’s 3:40am and I’m just tired and probably emotional from the meds too. I do have friends and I haven’t ever really tried just calling one up and giving them a chance to be my “person”. I’m just always afraid that they are going to think my “Stuff” is just whining and I shouldn’t feel a certain way or I’m basically just wasting their time so I just don’t call anyone. I don’t even talk with Patrick.

Anyway, good night Journal. I’ve still got you! hahaha (Does this count as talking to myself?)

I found this in my Drafts folder today…Guessing it’s from April

Dear Journal,

This is what’s come up in my emotional vomit for this “Time of the Month” Hormones suck…Ewwwww:

PTA Meeting tonight went pretty well, but the meeting before it about the Title 1 stuff was kind of eye opening, and heart wrenching in someways. I think back about being a kid and how alone I felt so much of the time!! “Broken” home, alcoholic step dad, violence, moving, etc… I mostly remember feeling and hearing that I wasn’t good enough by Family, Teachers, Church, etc…= Fat Slob…

My Mom was so busy with 4 kids and trying to work full time running her own beauty shop. Seems like life revolved around “Classic Hairstyling”, and her relationships. I am sure she did everything she could to take care of us. She made sure that we had clothing, shelter, food, but I don’t remember her sitting with me and reading a book or cuddling to watch TV. I don’t remember being “loved”, but I know she did because I had food, shelter, clothing, she’d do my hair (It would take 4 HOURS to roll it with perm rods after she’d worked all day! or on a saturday after working all week.) and try and help me look more girly. She signed me up for exercise classes, and got me Piano lessons. I just remember her being tired all the time from working such long hours which is completely understandable.

I don’t recall anyone ever being interested in me and taking time to get to know me or hang out with me. No one really said I was important in words and actions. I mostly remember feeling like I was a “Pain in the Ass”. I admit I was pretty annoying when it came to my siblings, but in my defense I think I was looking for attention and to feel accepted in some way. I was wanting to be loved un-conditionally. Even at church I wasn’t going to go to heaven because I wasn’t doing alllllll these things I had to do to get there.

When I am helping out at the kids schools, I look at some of the kids there that have parents that are divorced, the parents much of the time fight and argue as much as when they were married… As a child of divorced parents you are told shitty things about one parent vs the other. I honestly don’t remember my Dad talking bad about my Mom though much actually, just lots of tension/anger when she was brought up. My Mom would complain about my Dad, but than seem to catch herself and than say that he was a “Good Man”.

My Mom says that I was my Dad’s favorite before they divorced. I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” to the point where he pushed my older brother and sister away because I was HIS biological daughter. What’s funny is I grew up and still feel like I don’t belong in my family. (My older brother came up to Washington once when they were thinking of moving out of California to check out places to possibly live.) I don’t know what I could do to change that, but I pretty sure it has to be my fault. Doesn’t it? I think I tend to put it on the FAT, and maybe that’s why I hold on to being this weight. If I were to loose weight and they still didn’t try and contact me and get to know me etc… I’d have to realize that it is me who I am, and not just the Fat. Psycho I know. Haha Another reason being an island seems to be a good idea. I can’t upset anyone, or hurt anyone and I don’t have to be on my guard ALL the time. Wonder why is someone REALLY being nice to me. Funny thing is I put myself out there when we moved here to Bremerton and I set myself up over and over again. I need to figure out how to just not be so open. I just keep looking for that connection to a Family!!!! I want to feel like I belong SOMEWHERE! The funny thing is I belong here with my wonderful Hubby and kids, BUT in the back of my mind I think they would be fine and maybe better off without me.

Going through school when I was a kid I just remember a few teachers that seemed to be kind, I remember a bunch that were not so kind. I never had anyone sit me down and say… Sharolyn, you’re a good kid, you have potential to do and be anything you want. What do you want? Who do you want to be? I remember being told that I was so fat all the time, even on my wedding day I thought I was fat!!! I look at my wedding photo now and think OMGOSH!! That women was beautiful, and I realize now that I will never look that good again and I never even enjoyed it when I did look beautiful.