The Cycle!

Fear -> Depression -> Anxiety -> Fear and round and round we go!!

Parents teach your kids to deal with emotions rather then shut them down for annoying you!

I am not sure how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Period. I’ve been in therapy for years now, I’ve tried medication off and on. I’ve dealt with the violence from my youth, the survivors guilt from another child murder, the empty nest symptoms and I realized that my “goto” coping mechanisms are not working, and realizing they never really did they were just like a “drug of choice” to who we degrade by calling junkies. I never went that route thankfully since I was adverse to it growing up with an alcoholic.

I was steered to sitting infront of a TV screen emersion into families that were not at all like my own. “Wait ’til your father gets home!”…my step dad would usually be drunk he kept vodka all over the house and under the seat of the car in his truck even! Or how about this one?… “Here is a cookie if you shut up and stop “Annoying” me!”. I put my kids off at time myself, buy I would like to think that in the times they truly needed me I was there, but I doubt it. I chose to be a parent I should have put them first.

Finally Knowing Joy

Dear Moon,

I have FINALLY been able to make some positive changes. I go to bed around 8:30pm/9pm every night and I’m up at 5:30am to take Patrick to work. Having him as a reason started me down this road and being in a better place mentally through weekly video therapy will keep me here. I enjoy seeing the sunrise and looking forward to the day. I still have no idea what to do with my days, but I am figuring it out. I have a craft room now and I spend time in there and listen to podcasts. I am still “checking out” with either audio books or pod casts, but I am finding myself actually sitting quietly with myself which I haven’t ever been comfortable doing before. I am in a place where I am able to feel the things that seemed to be “forbidden” to feel before.

I have therapy once a week and it has been helping me. I have a sense of safety and peace knowing that no matter what comes to mind I can discuss it. I had therapy today and was pretty raw and emotional after words so I opened note pad and started typing and this is what I wrote:


I once laughed from a place of emptiness.
I now laugh from the lightness in my soul.

The darkness that I kept hidden from the world is now brought into the light.
I lived (survived), I mourn, my wrongness…

Anger erupts from a place down deep, a place where it has been making it hard to sleep, to even rest, always on guard.

A mother’s love, too much for her to handle, I thought I was what was so wrong. Attention needed, attention sought, attention got from a place of annoyance and bitterness from family caught in all the emptiness.

Violence is not love. Neglect is not love. Religion is not love.

I have ALWAYS known what love IS! So many not able to know it or show it.

Finally I am able to feel lightness! What will I be without all this darkness, hidden, stuffed, buried.

I have waited so long, is it too late? Is it ever too late to find joy?

God is love and is in my heart and knows my soul and I have always known no latter how terrible I have felt that “I know I am somebody because God don’t make no junk!” I am not junk, I deserved to be loved and cared for when I was a CHILD no matter how “annoying” I was. It was not my fault that relationships ended.

I don’t think Teddy would have wanted me to have wasted my life feeling guilty that I am alive and she is not. I was out on my own that day and no one would have missed me, it would have been better for everyone if it had been me that was killed. I didn’t realize I carried this nugget of crap with me for so long, but bringing this into the light from the darkness it is clear what a steaming nugget it is. I don’t think anyone in my life ever consoled me with the facts of what had happened, no one even protected me from the specifics of what happened. Listening to conversations about it from my mom and the ladies in the beauty shop. The hardest one… “One of them had to watch the other one die.”. I do not ever recall ever thinking that monsters weren’t real. They are real!

What does Joy feel like?
Joy is expansive and feels like you are in love, all of the time and with everything, not just one person. It is a warm thrumming and sense of excitement at the beginning of each day and falling asleep with gratitude and appreciation as your last feelings of the day.

What a difference a year makes!

PTSDDear Moon,

Wow, it has been so long since I have wanted open up so “publicly” as this. (Even though this is basically private since no one really knows about this.) I clicked around on the site and found some draft posts that I never published while life was kicking my butt so I went ahead and published them and back dated them to the dates when I wrote them.

Basically there were some crappy things that happened and now things are better. In a nutshell, October of 2018 I quit my job due to physical issues that I found out were being caused by anxiety that was basically sitting on top of depression from life events that I never emotionally dealt with, or didn’t have the capacity to deal with, so I was giving up on most everything outside of my safe home. Thankfully my family and co-workers wouldn’t really let me completely cut ties, also I’m good at the job I was doing, I think they needed me. I know I needed them.

It has been over a year now and I am back to working, but only 3 days a week for about 4hrs a day. Sometimes longer depending out what my boss needs done. I am not able to really even depend on myself, but for the past 3wks I’ve been working an 11am to 3pm shift, but usually it’s 1pm to 5pm because that seems to be a time when I could make sure I could get myself up and out of the house by. I also go to therapy once a week.

Also, my mother died May 29, 2019. Shirley Ward she would have been 89yrs old this november. Mother’s Day we found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and then she went down hill from there. She had been having issues with her memory for over a year and stomach issues. They finally were able to get tests done and found the cancer had metastasized to her liver.  I don’t want to write about that now.

Basically I wanted to get back to writing in this blog/journal so that I could have this outlet to speak in secret to the universe and imagine that those I would like to see what I write are able to. My therapist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. I’m realizing that most everything about me has to do with what others around me wanted or needed from me even my emotions and my reactions. What I like or didn’t like. I’m starting to understand more about WHY I’m this way so I can FINALLY fixed it. I turned 50 in October! It’s really weird to start figuring out what I like and want to do. I’m trying to make a Christmas list and realizing I don’t know what the heck to put on it. I think I react the way I’m “expected” to mostly.  I don’t know if this thought process is even correct. I’m just trying to fix what is broken. This article had some good ideas on working through things. Also the Prozac i’m on isn’t too bad either! Lol 9-steps-healing-childhood-trauma-adult

Anyway I think this is enough for now. I’m get really anxious and shakey if I get too into the emotional stuff. I’ll see about getting back into using this blog. Maybe it could be a good tool for me.


When you are left to wonder…

Seems to be this is a time of wonder and not in a good way…

  • Having to wonder about how I am doing at my new job and if I am the best person for the business when I’m sure there are many who could do much better than I am.
  • Having to wonder if Timothy will be able to bounce back from the cruel injustice of how another human being can treat another. One you thought that care about you.

**Dec 13, 2019 Found this in my drafts probably from July 15, 2018 it looks like. Figured why not publish it. I’ll back date it if I can.**

Hind sight is always 20/20

I have no idea how to deal with the feelings I have, the helplessness to do anything to undo what has been done, to deal with the the disappointment of hopes and dreams forever changed, and constantly ruminating about it all. How Someone I love dearly had a friendship with a housemate up at and now he is no longer even able to finish his degree.

**Dec 13, 2019 found this in my drafts folder from June 2, 2018. Thankfully things are working out well, or will be back on track soon.**

“Life is like a cup of tea it’s all about how you make it.”

Hi Moon,ego.jpg

I was just thinking how long it has been since I talked to you. I had been feeling kind of “lost” recently, but at this moment I feel like I am in a pretty good place I think.

Back in July 2017 when I posted about Patrick and I’s road trip, Family, I didn’t mention that about a month before we left we bought a new car, that we really couldn’t afford without me going back to work.

I hadn’t worked like a “Real” job for years. So, the day we bought the car, I went and applied at the local temp agency and figured I’d “put my toe in”, and see if I would be “ok” working again since I really wasn’t sure that I would be emotionally, or physically for that matter.

Well, they didn’t contact me for a job until the day before my birthday!  Which in hindsight I feel like it was meant to happen the way it did. I had applied around June 29th, and didn’t get offered any jobs until Oct 12th! I had been kind of worried as time went by without a job, but I didn’t let it get me spun out of control. I just continued to work on “Me” and getting my sleep fixed (Finally!!!), my weight figured out (Still working on it.). Honestly looking back on it now, I can totally see I wasn’t emotionally, or physically ready until Oct 12th.

I have no idea how God the Universe and everything works, but after the time I have had here, I do know that I can trust in some things. Things happen as they are meant to it seems, sadly even the bad things. I also feel that good can come from even the worst things. I do not believe death is the worst thing actually. It’s just an end. ANYWAY!…I had faith and I got an offer to start part-time for 1 week on Oct 16th. I figured PERFECT. Part-time, I can work into it.

Well, I have worked there ever since. I worked part-time at first. Thankfully they let me, then at the beginning of the year, I committed to working full time.  I’ve been working for a Social Security Disability Attorney as an office assistant. I most often work with the office manager/paralegal she is older than me by almost 14yrs, but she is AMAZING.  I hope I can be as sharp as she is at her age. I also work with a couple awesome ladies that are even older than her and so active and sharp.

Haha, These ladies would probably think I’m seriously silly, but for some reason, I had this total misconception that at 48 I’ve got like one foot in the grave!  I suppose in my defense I had been so depressed that in my mind I had just been “waiting to die”. I hope I never feel that way again. Especially when I am actually waiting to die. Those are moments TO LIVE!! ALL OF THEM ARE… (Even the ones I use up playing Love Nikki, Dress up Queen!) Whatever I choose!!

I really like my job. I feel like I’m helping people, and I get to use all the tools I learned in therapy to cope with stress, other people, and different hours then I was used to. I honestly am so thankful that I wasn’t offered this opportunity anytime before now. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it or enjoyed it as much as I am right now.

The main thing now that I’m having trouble with is Patrick and I get to where we once were. Well, now that I’ve typed that, maybe the thing is I should stop trying to compare to what we were in the beginning. We need to figure out where we want to be for the future…

The Future…That right there is something I didn’t really truly even acknowledge for most all my life so far. Not really, only in the past year and a half, maybe closer to two now, I’m not exactly sure. I’m sure I said it, but not truly believed that I had one. In my mind, EVERYONE else would have one, but I wouldn’t. Being told my whole life that “I was so fat and that I would die young” just never left me in a place to even contemplate my future. I was just fat and going to die. I still may die tomorrow and it may be weight related, but I am no longer just living to die. I am living to LIVE, and to figure out what that means to me.

What does it mean to LIVE? Spend my time doing things that help others, to love, to be kind, to find peace, share hope, and to spread light in this world! (NO Patrick, not just the light from my Nikki game while we are in bed and you’re trying to sleep.) I look forward to making new connections, not stress about them like I once did. Not to be always looking for approval (Although I still do, especially at work.). I am a work in progress, but I am my work in progress and It doesn’t matter what ANYONE ELSE THINKS!! I’m me! Love me or hate me. I don’t really care. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about how you feel. That is your responsibility, not mine. I may have some fault in your feelings and why you are feeling them, but it is up to you to take responsibility to be upset by it, forgive it,  talk with me about it to let me know, or BRUSH IT OFF! I may choose to change or not, but I am me and that’s all I can be. That isn’t me being mean, that is me being human, and just trying to live my life, not trying to cater to everyone else.

As my therapist used to ask me. Who’s driving your bus? I AM THE DRIVER NOW!!!

Ok wow! I didn’t even really feel like writing, I guess I had something to say after all I better wrap this up. I have stuff I want to do. Still REALLY weird to actually “want”. To “plan”, to dream about the future. I’m so excited, and if I were to die tomorrow I feel like I finally have lived at least!

Seems to me that the only thing worse than dying is not having ever lived. I am not sure what all brought me to this moment and this clarity, but I am thankful for it ALL. I know I will have bad days, but I finally have the presence of mind to deal with them.

Presence… OH! That’s another topic for another day!

Goodnight Moon!


Hello Moon!bd02b18f57a7c2dbc97515ea6f3f26d3--quotes-on-family-love-beautiful-family-quotes

Patrick and I are on vacation for almost 2wks together without kids, and just finding us again. This is the first time he and I are out on our own since the kids, and no one died. Last time was when Daddy died May 2013.  I should be asleep, but I’m not. I am feeling pretty happy! I didn’t realize how much I needed to see my family, to feel that connection to my childhood and those who inhabited the happy places of my memory.

Most everyone that we have visited is someone that I haven’t seen in not just years, but decades. Also, I was able to find and connect with my Dad’s side of the family, I hope we can stay connected.

The whole trip started with planning to see my Mom since she hasn’t been doing too well. I didn’t want to wait so Patrick said let’s go. Also, my 30yr Class Reunion was coming up so just figured to lump it all in together. I figured we could save money by not doing the reunion, but Patrick pointed out that I may regret not participating, so now I am excited and nervous that we are going. It will be neat to see classmates from High School. It is especially significant having had my baby just graduated high school in June. 30yrs apart!

This trip has been emotionally healing so far. Between meeting my Dad’s nieces, to spending a few days chatting with my Aunt Elaine and visiting with my Aunt Lois I have learned so much and literally feel lighter.

Circumstances being as they were with my parents being divorced and what led to that fact, I didn’t often ever remember hearing people talk kindly and fondly about my Dad. On this trip, I was able to hear that he was FUN! That he was enjoyed. He and his Big Brother would tease with his brother’s kids. They said he was a good man and had a great smile. Something about that exchange has made me feel different, better.

When I was visiting with my Aunt Elaine I learned that she is a storyteller. I don’t know if I ever knew that about her, but she tells stories and then began writing them down. She let me copy them to a thumb drive and I am looking forward to reading them. Also, she colors. I LOVE coloring too but haven’t done it in awhile. I talked to her about so many things and her responses have changed me for the better I think. She reminded me to be positive.

While visiting with my Aunt Lois it hit me that I would have loved to have known her and had her to talk with throughout my life. She has such a great sense of humor and she sings often! It’s like there is always music in her and it periodically bubbles out, she will hear a phrase in a conversation that will remind her of a song and she will start singing that song. Many were from the Glenn Miller band era. A few I recognized a few I didn’t. I was sooo happy when I was able to get Clarissa on video chat and see her Great Aunt Lois. She got to see her Great Aunt Elaine to that way.

Tomorrow we head to Palm Springs for the 1st night of the reunion, a casual meet and greet. Then Saturday is the “Official Reunion”. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see my Mom then or not. I’m really looking forward to seeing my Mom in a way I hadn’t before. We talked on the phone tonight and it just felt lighter and fun. Sitting and talking with my Aunt Lois somehow opened me up to see my Mom in a different way. I am not sure I could explain it. I think it would be a perspective thing.

Anyway, I REALLY need to get to sleep, I’m not sure what time check out is tomorrow, and I am making it hard for Patrick to sleep while I’m typing along here.

Goodnight Moon!

Cheer and cry at the same time…

Dear Moon,

Well, on Tuesday night while watching the Election results I was sort of shocked that my candidate won!! I was excited for the possible change he might bring, hopeful that he would be different then the “usual” politician. Then almost as instantly as I was cheering, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

**It’s Dec 13, 2019 and I just found this in my Drafts from Nov 2016. Figured I would publish it.**

Still trying to work STUFF out.

its-time-for-your-to-live-your-own-life-without-worrying-about-the-expectations-of-othersDear Moon,

I opened WordPress up to write to you and found a couple drafts that I wrote about four years ago. I realized I published one of them already that was titled Procrastination. I am not sure why I kept it as a draft, but I read it and I remember how painful at the time it was. I was pretty pissed and raw. Sort of funny to realize that I don’t feel that way anymore. Progress.

Well, it’s actually 9:30 in the morning so not sure exactly where you are in your orbit, but I guess I’m where I’m “Supposed” to be. Awake. Although I’m tired. I STILL haven’t figured out why I don’t make the healthy choice to just go to bed when I’m tired at night. I have some guesses.  Seems to be I have an issue with silence, just being. When I’m left with my own thoughts not distracted by TV, internet, a book, Netflix, etc.. My WHOLE life seems to have been about “What’s so and so going to think?”, “What’s so and so NEED?”, “What can I do to help?”, “How can I be a better friend?”, “Am I parenting correctly?”, “What do I need to do or be for him/her to like me?”, “What am I doing so wrong (Judgement from an outside perspective)?” etc.. Everything is pointed out towards everyone else, and not toward me.

“Know Thyself” ~ Seems to mean different things through out time, but for me at this moment it means I haven’t taken the time to actually figure out and know who I am, what I want, or as a previous therapist would ask… “Who’s driving your bus?” haha Now sounds like the perfect time to give it a try though.

I’ve learned that writing helps me. I have realized that some things about myself just ARE. They aren’t good or bad, they just are ME. Like the way I learn and/or remember things. I have to see them. The concept, name, etc… has to be in some kind of a visual format for me to remember it. Someone can say something to me to remind me about something I learned, but until it clicks in my mind and I can “picture it” I won’t really remember. I’ll have to continue to test this theory, but it’s fun to think and feel that it is Me and that is “ok”.

Most “stuff” is all about my Self Esteem or lack there of, seems to be my biggest issue. Currently I’m working on the whole being more “self” focused. Honestly it’s probably just being “normal”, but to me it seems selfish of me, but is “Ok” for everyone else. I feel like my self worth is fully dependent on everyone else. I am ok ~ because my kids are great, I have a great hubby, because I was a navy wife, etc… Not about me as a person.

Ok, for example, I’ll text someone, or write an email and during the time that they take to read and write back my “Self talk” would have already ripped me up and told me how terrible of a person I am and why that person won’t write me back. It isn’t as traumatic if I’ve written someone I have some trust in to “tolerate me”. My self talk tells me I am annoying, thoughtless, embarrassing, ridiculous, rude, stupid (missed spelled words, grammar), etc… Just seems pretty crazy to me to be that way. I need to just not care so much, as my Father In Law would say. “Fuck ’em” Lol The person I emailed/txtd has probably just forgotten, busy, never got the email etc…

I need to figure out a way to believe the little image I had hanging on my wall as a kid trying to make me feel “Ok” with myself even though I couldn’t ever be good enough for my Mom, my Siblings, my Teachers, my Dad/Step Dads (to stay), my Church (I wasn’t worthy), my God (I wasn’t worthy) etc…  “I know I’m somebody, ’cause God don’t make no junk.” … He made an exception with me (I’m junk). <—– That is just what popped into my head.

Here are the truths that I must some how figure out how to believe over the inner self talk and core “worth”. I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am brave, I am beautiful, and I am worth being loved.

Almost a year ago, I was pretty much in a frame of mind of “I am WAITING TO DIE”… Today I am in a frame of mind “I am WAITING TO LIVE”… It’s time to LIVE!

Thank you Moon for always being there, for always listening with out judgement and being my sounding board. I’ve never really trusted anyone else to be that for me except Patrick I suppose. Makes sense that you came into being when I couldn’t talk with Patrick all those years ago because he was out to Sea. God brings people in and out of our lives as we need them. Even those that we makeup ourselves.


What am I doing so wrong?

Hi Moon, 28542-6-39-so-does-5-4-the-way-you-do-things-is-not-always-the

It has been awhile since I wrote here. I’m just in a place where I am so sick of people being pissed off at me for something I did or said that upset them to the point that they tell everyone else, but me. I know my opinions won’t be the same as everyone else, and I get that. I totally understand that I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I never purposefully intend on hurting anyone. If anything I would literally hurt myself to help someone else if it would help them.

After this volunteer position is over with I will never put myself out there like this again. When the kids were in Elementary school I did it so I could meet people since I did not have any friends or family in the area, and I ended up more closed off by the time all was said and done. I figured that that situation wouldn’t happen again I took a chance, and here I am all over again, not as betrayed as before, but still at a loss for what to do.

I am thankful for sweet ladies that I met back then and some now too which in some ways makes it all worth it, but I just keep coming back to wondering “What the heck am I doing that is so wrong?”…People keep saying that “this is just like High School”, the fact is that these situations I have been in were nothing like high school. I was fat and teased for being fat mostly by guys, but girls were pretty kind to me for the most part. I didn’t have many “close” friends, but I had one that I still have to this day even though life has made things difficult for us to hang out. No where in High School did I ever deal with this, and maybe that is the problem.

Was I just supposed to know that some females can treat each other like crap and it’s “Ok” because that’s “Just what we do.” I know I have a part to play in any issue between me and another person, and I am fine with talking with them and trying to work it out. Even if we have to walk away and come back to it later. Seems to be that that is what is supposed to be different then “High School” I guess that we are all adults and should be able to get to the point where we can agree to disagree?

Anyway Moon, I just wanted to support the kids in the music program and maybe get to meet people and maybe make some friendships and maybe that’s where I went wrong. Volunteering is not a way to make friends just enemies I guess. It’s just all so sad, and it so hard to feel worse about myself then I already did.

I should be starting counseling up again soon so hopefully that will help me understand what exactly I’m doing that is so wrong.

~ Sharolyn