Well, last night there was an EARTHQUAKE… 😦 I’m guessing that no matter what I do something will always happen to interupt what I want or need. Someday maybe I will finally get my chance, but for 13+ years i’ve been waiting for my time. In this prison that never ends that I have no control over. Day after day it’s either recovering from a time when he is out to Sea, or thinking about how the next dang deployment is around the corner. I honestly think that they only way out is to be dead and buried, or WAIT. Wait always waiting…I just think it’s going to be such a laugh for someone to come to find out that when it is time for “retirement” something tragic will happen and I will die or he will or something terrible to end the joy will happen. I suppose it is inevitable something always does come to destroy happiness.

I hate being a Navy Wife, all I ever wanted to be was Patrick’s Wife, not wife to the GOD DAMN Navy. 😦 Day after day, this life in the military defending our freedom, only problem it doesn’t defend any freedom of the spouses that have been wedded to it. No freedom, oh I guess there is the freedom to get a boyfriend on the side to take the place of missing that spouse physically, there’s always the freedome to stay busy doing what ever volunteer work needs to be done, and heck there is also the freedom to have children and be mother to them, heck you can’t get a break from that job if you wanted one/needed one. So, there we go, Freedom. Freedom to hate yourself for being in love with a man who sees only how retirement and the money that comes from it will take care of all the problems that will be faced for the furture. I just honestly hope that it will have all been worth it. I’m proud of my husband, of his dedication to his job. It just drives me nuts that there is no dedication to anything that he does for the Navy. They’ve passed him up 5 times for making chief. And for some they say that it is because of their quota to promote so many minorities and woman. That they would pass up promoting a man that has never been late, that is always dependable, that would allow his wife to take herself to surgery and bring herself home because he didn’t want to put out someone else to have to take his duty day. When his wife BEGGED him to take time off that he just told her no he couldn’t. But, they still pass him up for advancement.

This has been 13+yrs of hell, and knowing that there is only 2 more left seems like it should be some comfort, but it doesn’t. Atleast it seemed up until the past 3 years that there was MAYBE a chance that he’d get out. That we could get away from this Warden the Navy. I would love to have the freedom of counting on someone. REALLY being able to depend on someone for help if I needed it. That is what I thought a man and wife were supposed to be for each other. The fact that the military makes it so a Husband and Wife can’t be that for each other pretty much takes away basic freedoms. For me if the wife doesn’t want to be a part of the husbands career than he should be allowed to have his career at shore duty rather than OUT in BFE Sea Duty, away from his family and responsibilities there. Sure he could have gotten out of the Navy, but than what. He would have rescented me for not supporting him to finish until retirement. I love him. I feel his frustration with me, his disappointment with me for not being “strong enough” to handle these times apart.

So, maybe you can now understand my hell that is my life. Live it as it is, alone, not ever being able to count on him for anything. Not being able to plan birthday parties, dinners, or even just a quiet time just the two of us sitting at home snuggling watching a few movies together. The kids can’t count on their Dad being there for them for school things, or even if they are sick and have to go to the ER.

I know, this life has no guarantees. I guess that’s why it hits me so hard. That all this time apart is wasted. It can never be regained. The memories have already been made without him here in them.

SO, anyway to my subject. I give up. I give up trying to being on a “Normal” sleep schedule. My life is not normal. I can’t have anything that I want. There has been nothing normal about my life for pretty much 13yrs. Nothing that could be counted on. Well, I guess there were the 3 years in the beginning. We had each other. I was working, we had a routine. Something I had never had. I could count on someone. I was part of something; we were a team. As soon as he was transfered off that first Shore Duty back to California and didn’t get out like we had talked about. My life ended, but the problem was. It wasn’t just my life anymore we had our son. I remember how much my Mom agonized about taking us kids away from our Dad. I couldn’t do that to Timothy. I couldn’t divorce Patrick because I NEVER saw him but on the weekends. That I was raising our son alone. I just kept thinking that Patrick would get out after this Sea Duty. We would get our time.

It all hurts to much to dregde through all the crap that leads up unto this time. To me sitting here pouring out my heart and angry to a dang computer because no one else will listen. Not even my husband can listen beucase he can do nothing about it. I have to be mental, which maybe I am now, for him to get to leave the ship and come home. I hate competing with the Navy for my husband. I always loose. I have never won any battle when it has come to a battle of weather he can stay home with me or have to go out on the DAMN FUCKIN SHIP. (Excuse my language, but i’m angry, constantly all consuming anger.) I cry and cry and cry. Than I feel a bit better, but I ALWAYS come back to this spot. I’m angry, I feel jipped, like i’ve been living someone elses life and that someday I will be set free to be FREE to live my life with team mate and we will be able to live our life together. I’m so frighted that when that time FINALLY comes we won’t know how to be a team. He won’t have the excuse to leave out to Sea anymore and he will be suck here with me and decide he doesn’t want me. I have been here waiting, stuck, not able to afford childcare so I can go to school, go to the gym, not being able to do any of the things I would like to do because I don’t even have the same opportuinites as a divorced woman. I don’t have low income child care, there are support groups for the “single” mother, but i’m not one even though I am often mothering ALONE. What am I. Who am I. I am a mother of 3 beautiful wonderful kids that want their Daddy. They want their Daddy so much it blinds them to the one parent they do have consistantly with them. They don’t worry about me leaving and not coming home for months at a time. They know that I will always be here for them. Which for me that is wonderful. It’s just sad that they can’t have that comfortableness of consistancy with their Father. That is one thing I wanted for my children that I NEVER had. I have had 4 step Dads. One of which I considered more my father than the others, maybe even more than my real Dad. Am I able to contact him, no, he’s dead. He loves his alchol more than he loved my mother or us kids. That time we moved right under his nose, a little at a time, until we were all moved out and he didn’t even notice until we were gone.

All these times that Patrick goes away, he takes a little bit of me with him. Over and over and over again, I am than left with this shell. Angry and bitter and loanly. Only purpose is to be a mother to my children, but than what kind of a mother am I being when I do nothing for myself. My children will grow up thinking that their mother was just a shell at thier beck and call. She had no other ambition or drive.

Maybe they will be right. I’ve figured out why I like to be awake when your asleep dear. I can be busy and somewhat happy at night when I know you are home safe in our bed, and than in the morning when you go off to work, I sleep. I sleep away the pain of not being able to be with you, share things with you, knowing that everyday is just one day closer to when you will be gone again for months. Also that impending fear that one of these times you will come back again with someone else in your heart. Maybe that is also what I am subconscicely pushing you to. If you choose than it will free me, and It will have been your choice not mine. The problem is, all i’ve ever wanted was to be with you, to live together, love together, raise our family together. I wanted to be a music major once. I used to be able to play, I used to LOVE to play for my own enjoyment. I used to draw, I used to love to draw. Now, all I do is wait.

Just imagine being in a cell, you can move around in this cell, the only walls are your resonsibilities, well, not exactly YOUR responsibilities they are your spouses so there for your own. The first few years in this cell aren’t too bad. You don’t even realize you are in a cell, that you aren’t fee. Than about 8yrs in you start to realize you have welts and lashing marks that you didn’t even realize you were getting. You realize that you are getting beaten down and beaten down every disappointment is another lash. You were once able to shurg them off you realize. Rise above them because you knew that they were supposed to end soon. By 10 yrs rolling around you realized they weren’t going to end. You would continue to have disappointments. The only good thing was that during this time you were given little angels. Your children to help you through. When they were so little you knew that things weren’t too bad. It wasn’t until your oldest in response to the first Shore Duty and his daddy being around all the time, your son asked everyday for a WHOLE month if Daddy would be home that day. YOu realized the lashes he had on him that were healing, slowly. Your oldest daughter was too young to have been hurt by the lashes yet, but it started to down on you that she too would feel them. And than your youngest. The things that were going on at the time you barely remember her first year. But now you do, things are better now with your husband, but still you look back over the time and feel every disappointment that hit yourself and each of your children in turn. You try and cusion the blows for your children, but as they get older you know it is in vain. They are strong children, they have to be. They too love thier Daddy and just try and remember the times that he’s been home, and that he won’t be gone “that” long. But for you it’s harder because you know it could change, you know that the lashes don’t just stop they keep coming, you’ve resigned yourself that they will never stop, because even though they don’t come from certain disappointments directly anymore they come from having to teach for instance, your daughter that “we can’t save a piece of pizza for Daddy for a whole month”. But than there is a part of me that wants to say “Yes we can, let’s freeze it”. But i’m afraid she doesn’t exsit anymore, or soon won’t.

Well, last night was better than the night before. I finally resorted to a sleep aid. Ewwww… So, after taking a Unisom I went to bed around 11:30pm since I was actually feeling kind of tired and than *Blahm* around 1:00am I hear both my girls crying for me. Ughh… Lydia woke up with a nightmare and since Clarissa was in bed with Lydia that screaming and crying in turn woke up Clarissa and made her start to scream and crying and they went into to Timothy since I told them I was taking this sleep aid and was afriad I might not hear them if they were to wake up and … Ughhh … Anyway, it kind if worked the way it should if I couldn’t hear them, but I heard them and so I finally got them back to bed and me back in bed around 2am and I think I slept pretty well until around 5am when I woke up and had to PEE… Grrr… Ok so than I went back to sleep fairly easily which was a shocker and than woke up around 7:00am cause I figured I might as well get up since I didn’t think I could sleep anymore. SO, hopefully tonight will be better although I did take a nap today since I was feeling REALLY tired from around 11am – 2:30pm. Old habits die hard. I am used to sleeping during the day ya know. Ok well, I’m off to try and become normal. 😛 It’s been pretty close to 4years or more since I was on a “Normal” sleep schedule so, I guess I should expect it to take a little more time.

I was bumbed that today I felt very unmotivated even though I knew I had had enough sleep. That part I hope goes away. I want to feel happy/motivated that type of thing. I’m afraid that that part of me is broken some how, or will always be set to around 3am. Grrr… Ok i’m going to bed now.

Sweet dreams.

Well, might have worked this going to bed early thing except I woke up for no reason at all at 12:15 (After 1hr) than I fell back to sleep and woke up at 3:30am and I don’t think I really feel back to sleep until close to 5am and than was only for a little while AGAIN and than I got up with the kids had some breakfast got them off to school and broke down and went to bed. Grrr… I slept for awahile from about 8:30am until about 4ish. I really want to knock this off and get on a “Normal” schedule. The furry ferrets haven’t been out for 2 days. I went out with the kids around 5ish and we got some stuff at Safeway. One of the things was Unisom. I took one almost an hour ago and it’s not even doing anything that I know of. It’s after 11:30pm here though now sooo I’m going to try and do this get to bed at a decent hour thing again. Wish me luck.

Well, here I go. It’s almost 11:15pm and I’m going to go to bed. I am actually a little tired. I had a REALLY bad night last night although I did go to bed early come to think of it. First time in a LONG time. Anyway, I hope that I will sleep better tonight than I did last night. Tempting to actually go to bed and read, but that isn’t good either. I usually end up staying up another 3 or so hours and that just isn’t working well. Ok Nighty night.

Wish me luck.

WOW, today was a busy day. I actually ended up not going to bed after I got off the computer. I decided i’d fold all the clean clothes that had been sitting ALL over the sofa downstairs for several days. I ended up folding them all and putting mine and Patrick’s away, than sat Timothy, Lydia & Clarissa’s clothes back on the couch in 3 neat piles for the kids to put away after they got up. I was pretty much done around 7:15am and realized that Timothy hadn’t gotten up yet so I figured he must not of turned on his alarm clock, and sure enough, he hadn’t. So, I woke Timothy & Lydia up and got them breakfast than FINALLY went to bed. I set the alarm for 11ish so that I could be up in time to take Clarissa to pre-school. She let me sleep off and on until than so I think I slept pretty well.

I got up and dressed than made sure I had all the dance clothes for everyone and she and I were off. She got to Pre-school around 1pm and than I headed over to the lake and sat there and watched the ducks/geese and read a magazine. I talked to Diana and ended up going over to her house and chatting until about 2:30pm than went and picked up Clarissa early and took her over to Dance. I left the dance place to head ALL the way back towards home so I could pick up Timothy & Lydia from school and than turn around and come all they way back to dance. We didn’t get done with dance until 6pm. Grrr…On the way home it was hard to keep my eyes open. Heck right now typing this it is hard. hehe This might work out really well if I can actually last until bed time rather than going to bed early.

Well, the kids are eating (as well as fighting/arguing/crying/screaming etc..) and everyone needs a bath I think. Maybe than can go one more day. Hmm I doubt it. OH well, it’s only 7pm, not like I can go to bed right now. hehe OK, i’m going to go maybe just lay down and “rest my body” as my mother used to say.

I’ll see about writing more later.

I just got done emailing Patrick about this journal. I’m FINALLY going to go off to bed, but I just wanted to say that I love my sweet husband VERY much and hope that he will always love me. He is my best friend and I don’t know what mylife would have been like without him, but I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want to have found out. I knew from the first time I met him that we would be together. Looking back at the past, almost 14 years, I can honestly say I am shocked sometimes that we still are. We sure do seem to work stuff out. LOL! I think Patrick and I are the best proof of the miracle of Prayer. God lives and loves us. Even though I screw up sooo bad so much, I know he loves me and takes care of me. I just don’t understand why. That is maybe part of my sadness. I need to figure out why God and Patrick love me so much. hehe 😛 Hmm I definetly need a self confidence check.

Ok this is it for this AM, I will write more later.

Well, it’s 4:37am (Yep i’ve stayed up ALL night again.) I said good-bye to my hubby again today, but hopefully for only a month this time. Did the same thing this time last year and I didn’t get to see him until September. Ughh… I just pray that they won’t be gone for 8mos again.

I need to start getting my butt to bed on time. I am riddled with guilt every day by not taking care of myself. I need to be a good example for my kids, but i’m so depressed all the time. I just want to feel Happy. It’s just been SOOOOO long since I felt happy I think i’ve forgotten how.

I used to be able to be so “Positive”; always thinking on the bright side. Now I am so “negative” about most everything that that even makes me guilty and MORE negative. Grrr… I just am soooo sick of being a Navy wife. I KNOW there are TONS of woman out there that are going through the same thing I am or WORSE (husband’s gone for 18mos…or worse). They are so strong and don’t break down crying about how lonely they are, or how much they’d LOVE to be able to PLAN ahead about something. To be able to set up a family Vacation, or even plan a dang birthday party for her kids and KNOW for a fact that their hubby would be around to take part.

Last year he missed all the kids birthday’s. Lydia will be 7 on the 26th of January. Patrick is missing it AGAIN. 2nd year in a row. It’s just so frustrating. I think he will be back in time for Timothy’s ( he will be 10 on March 1st) and Clarissa’s (she will be 5 on March 9th) birthdays, but I am soooo sick of “counting” on him and being disappointed. Constantly disappointed.

The thing that makes this hardest of all, (being a Navy wife that is) is when I read/hear comments from people in this country and out that put down this war with Iraq, the fact that we step in and help take out a man who was oppressive and tyrannical. We didn’t just make this shit up. He has been a Wack job for 13+ years that I know of ATLEAST. I met Patrick and married him in 1990 and that is when Desert Storm took place. I don’t know why we didn’t step in to save the people of Iraq than, but we should have. Sure would have saved lives I think. Atleast back than we were able to do it as part of the UN and not have to do it just with Britain behind us like this time. I know that Government can be corrupt and there are many times alterior motives for SOOOOO much of what goes on in different countries; United states included. I still just wish people would put down their differences to come together to help save people of another country.

It makes me angry that FINALLY the UN decides they want in to help with Iraq, but now only after most all the dirty work is done. It reminds me of the story of “The Little Red Hen” that I read to my children. OH well, I guess what makes the world so great is that not everyone is the same. Being able to see differences and except them is a good thing. It’s just when people are dieing or being oppressed is when it seems that someone should step in and help out. Just sucks that it always seem to be the United States.

I am proud of Patrick being in the Navy. I am thankful that he is still a good Daddy even though he can’t always be here in person, but I still can wish that things were different. I think my main problem is the fact that I NEVER had anything consistent growing up. I never lived in one place for very long. Heck my mom is now currently married to her 5th husband. I haven’t seen my Dad for almost 8 years. I can’t think about to a particular time or place and say “This is where I grew Up”, “This was my Home”. Just sucks so much not having any “roots” exactly. All my life I have wanted something consistent, be able to actually have a routine, somewhat KNOW what tomorrow would hold; although I do KNOW that things happen no matter what good or bad to change things. Still I would love to be able to KNOW if Patrick would be home this Summer so we could take a family Vacation. I would LOVE to know if he will be home for our Anniversary THIS year; Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. That he would be here to take the kids to school on their FIRST day back at school after Summer break, or for Clarissa’s First day of Kindergarten since he pretty much missed the other 2.

Anyway, I will try and write more tomorrow. Maybe getting alot of this crap off my chest will help me feel better.