What a difference a year makes!

PTSDDear Moon,

Wow, it has been so long since I have wanted open up so “publicly” as this. (Even though this is basically private since no one really knows about this.) I clicked around on the site and found some draft posts that I never published while life was kicking my butt so I went ahead and published them and back dated them to the dates when I wrote them.

Basically there were some crappy things that happened and now things are better. In a nutshell, October of 2018 I quit my job due to physical issues that I found out were being caused by anxiety that was basically sitting on top of depression from life events that I never emotionally dealt with, or didn’t have the capacity to deal with, so I was giving up on most everything outside of my safe home. Thankfully my family and co-workers wouldn’t really let me completely cut ties, also I’m good at the job I was doing, I think they needed me. I know I needed them.

It has been over a year now and I am back to working, but only 3 days a week for about 4hrs a day. Sometimes longer depending out what my boss needs done. I am not able to really even depend on myself, but for the past 3wks I’ve been working an 11am to 3pm shift, but usually it’s 1pm to 5pm because that seems to be a time when I could make sure I could get myself up and out of the house by. I also go to therapy once a week.

Also, my mother died May 29, 2019. Shirley Ward she would have been 89yrs old this november. Mother’s Day we found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and then she went down hill from there. She had been having issues with her memory for over a year and stomach issues. They finally were able to get tests done and found the cancer had metastasized to her liver.  I don’t want to write about that now.

Basically I wanted to get back to writing in this blog/journal so that I could have this outlet to speak in secret to the universe and imagine that those I would like to see what I write are able to. My therapist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. I’m realizing that most everything about me has to do with what others around me wanted or needed from me even my emotions and my reactions. What I like or didn’t like. I’m starting to understand more about WHY I’m this way so I can FINALLY fixed it. I turned 50 in October! It’s really weird to start figuring out what I like and want to do. I’m trying to make a Christmas list and realizing I don’t know what the heck to put on it. I think I react the way I’m “expected” to mostly.  I don’t know if this thought process is even correct. I’m just trying to fix what is broken. This article had some good ideas on working through things. Also the Prozac i’m on isn’t too bad either! Lol 9-steps-healing-childhood-trauma-adult

Anyway I think this is enough for now. I’m get really anxious and shakey if I get too into the emotional stuff. I’ll see about getting back into using this blog. Maybe it could be a good tool for me.