Fear -> Depression -> Anxiety -> Fear and round and round we go!!

Parents teach your kids to deal with emotions rather then shut them down for annoying you!

I am not sure how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Period. I’ve been in therapy for years now, I’ve tried medication off and on. I’ve dealt with the violence from my youth, the survivors guilt from another child murder, the empty nest symptoms and I realized that my “goto” coping mechanisms are not working, and realizing they never really did they were just like a “drug of choice” to who we degrade by calling junkies. I never went that route thankfully since I was adverse to it growing up with an alcoholic.

I was steered to sitting infront of a TV screen emersion into families that were not at all like my own. “Wait ’til your father gets home!”…my step dad would usually be drunk he kept vodka all over the house and under the seat of the car in his truck even! Or how about this one?… “Here is a cookie if you shut up and stop “Annoying” me!”. I put my kids off at time myself, buy I would like to think that in the times they truly needed me I was there, but I doubt it. I chose to be a parent I should have put them first.

Dear Moon,

Wow, it has been so long since I have wanted open up so “publicly” as this. (Even though this is basically private since no one really knows about this.) I clicked around on the site and found some draft posts that I never published while life was kicking my butt so I went ahead and published them and back dated them to the dates when I wrote them.

Basically there were some crappy things that happened and now things are better. In a nutshell, October of 2018 I quit my job due to physical issues that I found out were being caused by anxiety that was basically sitting on top of depression from life events that I never emotionally dealt with, or didn’t have the capacity to deal with, so I was giving up on most everything outside of my safe home. Thankfully my family and co-workers wouldn’t really let me completely cut ties, also I’m good at the job I was doing, I think they needed me. I know I needed them.

It has been over a year now and I am back to working, but only 3 days a week for about 4hrs a day. Sometimes longer depending out what my boss needs done. I am not able to really even depend on myself, but for the past 3wks I’ve been working an 11am to 3pm shift, but usually it’s 1pm to 5pm because that seems to be a time when I could make sure I could get myself up and out of the house by. I also go to therapy once a week.

Also, my mother died May 29, 2019. Shirley Ward she would have been 89yrs old this november. Mother’s Day we found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and then she went down hill from there. She had been having issues with her memory for over a year and stomach issues. They finally were able to get tests done and found the cancer had metastasized to her liver.  I don’t want to write about that now.

Basically I wanted to get back to writing in this blog/journal so that I could have this outlet to speak in secret to the universe and imagine that those I would like to see what I write are able to. My therapist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. I’m realizing that most everything about me has to do with what others around me wanted or needed from me even my emotions and my reactions. What I like or didn’t like. I’m starting to understand more about WHY I’m this way so I can FINALLY fixed it. I turned 50 in October! It’s really weird to start figuring out what I like and want to do. I’m trying to make a Christmas list and realizing I don’t know what the heck to put on it. I think I react the way I’m “expected” to mostly.  I don’t know if this thought process is even correct. I’m just trying to fix what is broken. This article had some good ideas on working through things. Also the Prozac i’m on isn’t too bad either! Lol 9-steps-healing-childhood-trauma-adult

Anyway I think this is enough for now. I’m get really anxious and shakey if I get too into the emotional stuff. I’ll see about getting back into using this blog. Maybe it could be a good tool for me.

Goodnight!

Seems to be this is a time of wonder and not in a good way…

• Having to wonder about how I am doing at my new job and if I am the best person for the business when I’m sure there are many who could do much better than I am.
• Having to wonder if Timothy will be able to bounce back from the cruel injustice of how another human being can treat another. One you thought that care about you.

**Dec 13, 2019 Found this in my drafts probably from July 15, 2018 it looks like. Figured why not publish it. I’ll back date it if I can.**

I have no idea how to deal with the feelings I have, the helplessness to do anything to undo what has been done, to deal with the the disappointment of hopes and dreams forever changed, and constantly ruminating about it all. How Someone I love dearly had a friendship with a housemate up at and now he is no longer even able to finish his degree.

**Dec 13, 2019 found this in my drafts folder from June 2, 2018. Thankfully things are working out well, or will be back on track soon.**

Hello Moon!

Patrick and I are on vacation for almost 2wks together without kids, and just finding us again. This is the first time he and I are out on our own since the kids, and no one died. Last time was when Daddy died May 2013.  I should be asleep, but I’m not. I am feeling pretty happy! I didn’t realize how much I needed to see my family, to feel that connection to my childhood and those who inhabited the happy places of my memory.

Most everyone that we have visited is someone that I haven’t seen in not just years, but decades. Also, I was able to find and connect with my Dad’s side of the family, I hope we can stay connected.

The whole trip started with planning to see my Mom since she hasn’t been doing too well. I didn’t want to wait so Patrick said let’s go. Also, my 30yr Class Reunion was coming up so just figured to lump it all in together. I figured we could save money by not doing the reunion, but Patrick pointed out that I may regret not participating, so now I am excited and nervous that we are going. It will be neat to see classmates from High School. It is especially significant having had my baby just graduated high school in June. 30yrs apart!

This trip has been emotionally healing so far. Between meeting my Dad’s nieces, to spending a few days chatting with my Aunt Elaine and visiting with my Aunt Lois I have learned so much and literally feel lighter.

Circumstances being as they were with my parents being divorced and what led to that fact, I didn’t often ever remember hearing people talk kindly and fondly about my Dad. On this trip, I was able to hear that he was FUN! That he was enjoyed. He and his Big Brother would tease with his brother’s kids. They said he was a good man and had a great smile. Something about that exchange has made me feel different, better.

When I was visiting with my Aunt Elaine I learned that she is a storyteller. I don’t know if I ever knew that about her, but she tells stories and then began writing them down. She let me copy them to a thumb drive and I am looking forward to reading them. Also, she colors. I LOVE coloring too but haven’t done it in awhile. I talked to her about so many things and her responses have changed me for the better I think. She reminded me to be positive.

While visiting with my Aunt Lois it hit me that I would have loved to have known her and had her to talk with throughout my life. She has such a great sense of humor and she sings often! It’s like there is always music in her and it periodically bubbles out, she will hear a phrase in a conversation that will remind her of a song and she will start singing that song. Many were from the Glenn Miller band era. A few I recognized a few I didn’t. I was sooo happy when I was able to get Clarissa on video chat and see her Great Aunt Lois. She got to see her Great Aunt Elaine to that way.

Tomorrow we head to Palm Springs for the 1st night of the reunion, a casual meet and greet. Then Saturday is the “Official Reunion”. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see my Mom then or not. I’m really looking forward to seeing my Mom in a way I hadn’t before. We talked on the phone tonight and it just felt lighter and fun. Sitting and talking with my Aunt Lois somehow opened me up to see my Mom in a different way. I am not sure I could explain it. I think it would be a perspective thing.

Anyway, I REALLY need to get to sleep, I’m not sure what time check out is tomorrow, and I am making it hard for Patrick to sleep while I’m typing along here.

Goodnight Moon!

Dear Moon,

Well, on Tuesday night while watching the Election results I was sort of shocked that my candidate won!! I was excited for the possible change he might bring, hopeful that he would be different then the “usual” politician. Then almost as instantly as I was cheering, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

**It’s Dec 13, 2019 and I just found this in my Drafts from Nov 2016. Figured I would publish it.**

Dear Moon,

I opened WordPress up to write to you and found a couple drafts that I wrote about four years ago. I realized I published one of them already that was titled Procrastination. I am not sure why I kept it as a draft, but I read it and I remember how painful at the time it was. I was pretty pissed and raw. Sort of funny to realize that I don’t feel that way anymore. Progress.

Well, it’s actually 9:30 in the morning so not sure exactly where you are in your orbit, but I guess I’m where I’m “Supposed” to be. Awake. Although I’m tired. I STILL haven’t figured out why I don’t make the healthy choice to just go to bed when I’m tired at night. I have some guesses.  Seems to be I have an issue with silence, just being. When I’m left with my own thoughts not distracted by TV, internet, a book, Netflix, etc.. My WHOLE life seems to have been about “What’s so and so going to think?”, “What’s so and so NEED?”, “What can I do to help?”, “How can I be a better friend?”, “Am I parenting correctly?”, “What do I need to do or be for him/her to like me?”, “What am I doing so wrong (Judgement from an outside perspective)?” etc.. Everything is pointed out towards everyone else, and not toward me.

“Know Thyself” ~ Seems to mean different things through out time, but for me at this moment it means I haven’t taken the time to actually figure out and know who I am, what I want, or as a previous therapist would ask… “Who’s driving your bus?” haha Now sounds like the perfect time to give it a try though.

I’ve learned that writing helps me. I have realized that some things about myself just ARE. They aren’t good or bad, they just are ME. Like the way I learn and/or remember things. I have to see them. The concept, name, etc… has to be in some kind of a visual format for me to remember it. Someone can say something to me to remind me about something I learned, but until it clicks in my mind and I can “picture it” I won’t really remember. I’ll have to continue to test this theory, but it’s fun to think and feel that it is Me and that is “ok”.

Most “stuff” is all about my Self Esteem or lack there of, seems to be my biggest issue. Currently I’m working on the whole being more “self” focused. Honestly it’s probably just being “normal”, but to me it seems selfish of me, but is “Ok” for everyone else. I feel like my self worth is fully dependent on everyone else. I am ok ~ because my kids are great, I have a great hubby, because I was a navy wife, etc… Not about me as a person.

Ok, for example, I’ll text someone, or write an email and during the time that they take to read and write back my “Self talk” would have already ripped me up and told me how terrible of a person I am and why that person won’t write me back. It isn’t as traumatic if I’ve written someone I have some trust in to “tolerate me”. My self talk tells me I am annoying, thoughtless, embarrassing, ridiculous, rude, stupid (missed spelled words, grammar), etc… Just seems pretty crazy to me to be that way. I need to just not care so much, as my Father In Law would say. “Fuck ’em” Lol The person I emailed/txtd has probably just forgotten, busy, never got the email etc…

I need to figure out a way to believe the little image I had hanging on my wall as a kid trying to make me feel “Ok” with myself even though I couldn’t ever be good enough for my Mom, my Siblings, my Teachers, my Dad/Step Dads (to stay), my Church (I wasn’t worthy), my God (I wasn’t worthy) etc…  “I know I’m somebody, ’cause God don’t make no junk.” … He made an exception with me (I’m junk). <—– That is just what popped into my head.

Here are the truths that I must some how figure out how to believe over the inner self talk and core “worth”. I am kind, I am thoughtful, I am brave, I am beautiful, and I am worth being loved.

Almost a year ago, I was pretty much in a frame of mind of “I am WAITING TO DIE”… Today I am in a frame of mind “I am WAITING TO LIVE”… It’s time to LIVE!

Thank you Moon for always being there, for always listening with out judgement and being my sounding board. I’ve never really trusted anyone else to be that for me except Patrick I suppose. Makes sense that you came into being when I couldn’t talk with Patrick all those years ago because he was out to Sea. God brings people in and out of our lives as we need them. Even those that we makeup ourselves.