Dear Moon,

Isn’t it strange how a “tragedy” makes you end up closer and more conscience of keeping contact with your loved ones?  Yesterday when my Step mother chose the way she wanted to die rather then suffering through cancer until her death it was heart breaking but I had contact with most all of my family yesterday and today.  I haven’t talked with my older brother Sam, but I believe he’s pretty busy and the time difference is 3hrs I think, so makes it more complicated as to when I can call him.  I hope he is doing well though.

I enjoyed talking with my siblings so much!  I think I try and stuff the feelings away of missing people and not being able to see my family rather then just feel them and call them. Like for instance, if Timothy does something that reminds me of Stuart I would just sort of stuff away the fact that I miss Stuart, the guilt of not going to see him, Kristine and the kids, and I just work on getting distracted so I don’t have to feel it. Or I will even work it out in my mind that he doesn’t really want to hear from me anyway.  All this goes on in my mind in just a few seconds or minutes. All these “coping skills” that I created through the years to deal with loss, disappointment, distance, loneliness, anger, guilt, etc… They aren’t healthy skills, or even appropriate skills, but they are what I know and am comfortable with. I need to learn how to deal with emotions appropriately, heck even just acknowledging the feeling dealing with it and moving on seems daunting, but I think that is what most people do.

Anyway, I am sad that my Step Mom had to suffer so much that she got to the point of having to choose to die the way she did, but I am so thankful that she is no longer suffering. She has moved on to a new wonderful place where there is no cancer or suffering and she can be free. I am so thankful that I was able to talk with my siblings especially since I’d felt so down and alone the past couple months. Patrick working and going to school pretty much leaves me with hanging out with the kids and just chit chat occasionally with Patrick here and there. I hope that I can just use this experience to realize I need to just call my siblings and parents ANYTIME, stop over thinking EVERYTHING and just realize that they love me and are happy to talk with me too. If they can’t talk or don’t feel like it they will just let it go to voice mail.

Goodnight

Dearest Moon,

Would you please say hello to my X-step Mom Elsie for me and tell her that I love her and she will always have a special place in my heart and who I am.  Today I found out that Elsie committed suicide. She was dying of cancer, so I am assuming this was her way of taking control and dying on her terms rather than suffering until her death. It still made me cry.  She was always so good to me and kind.  I always felt cared for and welcome by her.  She taught me to play solitaire even!  When her and my Dad got divorced I was sad since it pretty much made it difficult to feel like I could contact her if i wanted to.

I talked with my Dad and he is understandably sad.  He had followed Elsie to Arizona even though they were divorced they remained friends I believe. He said she was suffering so it’s understandable that she would take her life. I just wish I could have had some type of contact with her, at least to tell her that she was good influence on my life and that I cared about her.  

I’m angry that we never have any money for me to visit my parents!  I just remind myself though that I’m a late in life baby, and that it is difficult to be in the midst of raising my family and providing what they need and then having to get to parents that are in their 80’s and being ravaged by old age and the ailments that go with it. My Dad is 84 and goes to dialisis 2 – 3 times a week since his kidneys have stopped working, and my Mom will be 82 this year and has Multiple Myeloma cancer, Giant Cell Arteritis, High blood pressure, and a kidney that has failed, and pain in her hands among other things.  I want to help them, I want to be there for them, but they are in Arizona and California and I’m all the way up here in Washington. It’s just so dang frustrating!!   

I’m torn between being the stay at home “constant” that my kids have come to rely on and that I for the most part am comforted to know I can be for them thanks to my wonderful husband Patrick, and the fact that our lives financially would be soooo much easier if I were working too. I remember at one time in our marriage I made more then Patrick did.  Now it’s been 15yrs or so since I had an “Official” job and even though I’ve had resume’s out there and applied to several jobs no one has contacted me to interview at all.  

Ugh…you know what Moon, it’s after 2am and I need to get some sleep! I need to be up in the morning to make the kids lunches and take the kids to school, and then pick them up.  Than take them to Violin lessons and Lydia to Track.  My day is busy and I love that I can be there for my kids.  I just get so torn between where my priorities should lie.  I will write more tomorrow if my heart is still over flowing. 

Goodnight Moon.