Dear Moon,

Isn’t it strange how a “tragedy” makes you end up closer and more conscience of keeping contact with your loved ones?  Yesterday when my Step mother chose the way she wanted to die rather then suffering through cancer until her death it was heart breaking but I had contact with most all of my family yesterday and today.  I haven’t talked with my older brother Sam, but I believe he’s pretty busy and the time difference is 3hrs I think, so makes it more complicated as to when I can call him.  I hope he is doing well though.

I enjoyed talking with my siblings so much!  I think I try and stuff the feelings away of missing people and not being able to see my family rather then just feel them and call them. Like for instance, if Timothy does something that reminds me of Stuart I would just sort of stuff away the fact that I miss Stuart, the guilt of not going to see him, Kristine and the kids, and I just work on getting distracted so I don’t have to feel it. Or I will even work it out in my mind that he doesn’t really want to hear from me anyway.  All this goes on in my mind in just a few seconds or minutes. All these “coping skills” that I created through the years to deal with loss, disappointment, distance, loneliness, anger, guilt, etc… They aren’t healthy skills, or even appropriate skills, but they are what I know and am comfortable with. I need to learn how to deal with emotions appropriately, heck even just acknowledging the feeling dealing with it and moving on seems daunting, but I think that is what most people do.

Anyway, I am sad that my Step Mom had to suffer so much that she got to the point of having to choose to die the way she did, but I am so thankful that she is no longer suffering. She has moved on to a new wonderful place where there is no cancer or suffering and she can be free. I am so thankful that I was able to talk with my siblings especially since I’d felt so down and alone the past couple months. Patrick working and going to school pretty much leaves me with hanging out with the kids and just chit chat occasionally with Patrick here and there. I hope that I can just use this experience to realize I need to just call my siblings and parents ANYTIME, stop over thinking EVERYTHING and just realize that they love me and are happy to talk with me too. If they can’t talk or don’t feel like it they will just let it go to voice mail.

Goodnight