I saw this graphic posted on facebook about how the scale only gives you a number to reflect your relationship with gravity. “That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love.” I read it and thought how much I wish this were more of what I’d heard growing up then all the harsh critiquing that I did. It’s really hard now as an adult to wrap my head around my weight not being connected to my self-worth. I didn’t even really realize how connected my worth was to my weight until these feelings were completely contradicted by my Husband & Children who totally show they love me no matter how much weight I have on my body. It’s more about wanting me to be healthy for them which I totally get. I want to be around for a long time and I don’t want to be hurting from weight-related issues.
So anyway, I have tried over and over again to separate my weight and my worth, but when it’s ingrained in me so deep that I am “not worth being loved” because I’m fat and weigh TOO much that it’s just hard to WANT to be thin because I’m not worth it. Also, another thought that goes on in my mind is “What if I do lose weight and am thinner and I’m still not enough?” Maybe that was because I realized that the people that I wanted to be “Enough” for should have loved me no matter what and if they didn’t it was their problem, not mine? Maybe there was a part of me that was just angry that I was treated so meanly that I wouldn’t lose weight because it would make “Them happy” and I didn’t want them happy? Or maybe that they would think I lost weight because of their bullying? I don’t know…It’s all just “Crazy”…
Irrational thoughts seem to come to mind so easily and the negative is always way more easy to believe then the positive. If I have done one good thing in this world it would be that my kids know that I love them no matter what and that I’m proud of them.
Well, anyway Moon I just wanted to get some emotional junk out there and hopefully, someday it will be easier for me to separate my worth and my weight. Actually, It is already since I have such a supportive husband and kids.
I hope you’re having sweet dreams Moon. (Haha)