Lost…

Dear Moon,

I just feel lost these days. ¬†The girls and I went to WinCo the other night and Lydia looks at me out of the blue and ask me, why are you sad? ¬†I told her I didn’t even realize I was, and I didn’t really know why. ¬†Stress mostly I guess about Money and lack there of, and loneliness. ¬† I am sad so often now I guess I don’t even notice it anymore it’s just the way I am now? ¬†I guess it’s just summed up with Depression, but it’s just so dang frustrating because I WANT to be happy, but I guess I’ve forgotten how to REALLY be happy. ¬† ¬†Also, I think it has to do with spirituality too. ¬† A large part I’m sure since we do not go to church anymore, we don’t have any kind of spiritual family time either. ¬†Ughh…I don’t even know why I’m writing to you tonight. ¬†I don’t feel like this is going to help this time. ¬†Usually I start feeling better right away. ¬†I just feel LOST! ¬†I am lonely and insecure mainly. ¬†I miss having the comfort and security of a friend I could depend on through rain or shine. ¬†I have that with Patrick, but still it would be nice to have a girl friend too. ¬†Most all my “friends” have moved away. ¬†I have people I’m¬†acquainted¬†with here, but no one that I could just call and say “I REALLY need to talk, I’m just feeling so crappy.” ¬† I miss being there to help out a friend too, to listen to their stuff and help them realize they aren’t alone in the world. ¬†I actually prefer that role I think, to BE the friend rather than depend on a friend. ¬†I just haven’t had many people I could depend on in my life so it takes some serious trust to put myself out there and depend on a person. ¬†Actually it isn’t so much about trust I guess, but I just figure I’ll bother someone else. ¬†I just can’t see how what I think and feel would be important to someone else, well other than my kids and Patrick. ¬†I wish someone would just call me and say “Hey Sharolyn, you want to hang out?” but I know everyone is busy with their friends and family, and who the heck would want to hang out with someone that is a big “Eeyore” these days.

“Oh Bother…” ¬†Maybe this feeling is part of the “Change” hormonal stuff? ¬†I figured I’d have a few more years before that kicked in though. ¬†Maybe if I list some of the stuff that’s on my mind it will just help me to let things go?

  • I haven’t been able to see my Mom or Dad since 2005
  • Elsie’s suicide and not ever being able to say Goodbye and that she was such a good women and I admired her so much for loving us Kids even though we weren’t her own.
  • Knowing that my Mom having cancer and her health issues, and my Dad with his renal failure and dialysis means that I might run out of time being able to save up to go see them.
  • My Dog Shadow who’s been my companion through it all for 12yrs+ has tumors back again and is really getting uncomfortable and I’ll have to say goodbye soon.
  • I’m stressed about Money issues and possible job loss for Patrick again, and my having to decide about being torn between getting a job and not being able to be there for my kids as often.
  • Still feeling like a screw up because I haven’t gotten a routine down even though¬†Patrick’s¬†been retired from the “Navy Life” for over FIVE YEARS and isn’t going anywhere.
  • The usual crap that goes on in my head about how worthless I am which I wish I could figure out how to turn off or¬†conquer¬†in some way.

Well, I guess I feel a little better getting that out here. *Shrugs* I better get to bed, it’s almost 2am.

Goodnight Moon