“Life is like a cup of tea it’s all about how you make it.”

Hi Moon,ego.jpg

I was just thinking how long it has been since I talked to you. I had been feeling kind of “lost” recently, but at this moment I feel like I am in a pretty good place I think.

Back in July 2017 when I posted about Patrick and I’s road trip, Family, I didn’t mention that about a month before we left we bought a new car, that we really couldn’t afford without me going back to work.

I hadn’t worked like a “Real” job for years. So, the day we bought the car, I went and applied at the local temp agency and figured I’d “put my toe in”, and see if I would be “ok” working again since I really wasn’t sure that I would be emotionally, or physically for that matter.

Well, they didn’t contact me for a job until the day before my birthday!  Which in hindsight I feel like it was meant to happen the way it did. I had applied around June 29th, and didn’t get offered any jobs until Oct 12th! I had been kind of worried as time went by without a job, but I didn’t let it get me spun out of control. I just continued to work on “Me” and getting my sleep fixed (Finally!!!), my weight figured out (Still working on it.). Honestly looking back on it now, I can totally see I wasn’t emotionally, or physically ready until Oct 12th.

I have no idea how God the Universe and everything works, but after the time I have had here, I do know that I can trust in some things. Things happen as they are meant to it seems, sadly even the bad things. I also feel that good can come from even the worst things. I do not believe death is the worst thing actually. It’s just an end. ANYWAY!…I had faith and I got an offer to start part-time for 1 week on Oct 16th. I figured PERFECT. Part-time, I can work into it.

Well, I have worked there ever since. I worked part-time at first. Thankfully they let me, then at the beginning of the year, I committed to working full time.  I’ve been working for a Social Security Disability Attorney as an office assistant. I most often work with the office manager/paralegal she is older than me by almost 14yrs, but she is AMAZING.  I hope I can be as sharp as she is at her age. I also work with a couple awesome ladies that are even older than her and so active and sharp.

Haha, These ladies would probably think I’m seriously silly, but for some reason, I had this total misconception that at 48 I’ve got like one foot in the grave!  I suppose in my defense I had been so depressed that in my mind I had just been “waiting to die”. I hope I never feel that way again. Especially when I am actually waiting to die. Those are moments TO LIVE!! ALL OF THEM ARE… (Even the ones I use up playing Love Nikki, Dress up Queen!) Whatever I choose!!

I really like my job. I feel like I’m helping people, and I get to use all the tools I learned in therapy to cope with stress, other people, and different hours then I was used to. I honestly am so thankful that I wasn’t offered this opportunity anytime before now. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it or enjoyed it as much as I am right now.

The main thing now that I’m having trouble with is Patrick and I get to where we once were. Well, now that I’ve typed that, maybe the thing is I should stop trying to compare to what we were in the beginning. We need to figure out where we want to be for the future…

The Future…That right there is something I didn’t really truly even acknowledge for most all my life so far. Not really, only in the past year and a half, maybe closer to two now, I’m not exactly sure. I’m sure I said it, but not truly believed that I had one. In my mind, EVERYONE else would have one, but I wouldn’t. Being told my whole life that “I was so fat and that I would die young” just never left me in a place to even contemplate my future. I was just fat and going to die. I still may die tomorrow and it may be weight related, but I am no longer just living to die. I am living to LIVE, and to figure out what that means to me.

What does it mean to LIVE? Spend my time doing things that help others, to love, to be kind, to find peace, share hope, and to spread light in this world! (NO Patrick, not just the light from my Nikki game while we are in bed and you’re trying to sleep.) I look forward to making new connections, not stress about them like I once did. Not to be always looking for approval (Although I still do, especially at work.). I am a work in progress, but I am my work in progress and It doesn’t matter what ANYONE ELSE THINKS!! I’m me! Love me or hate me. I don’t really care. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about how you feel. That is your responsibility, not mine. I may have some fault in your feelings and why you are feeling them, but it is up to you to take responsibility to be upset by it, forgive it,  talk with me about it to let me know, or BRUSH IT OFF! I may choose to change or not, but I am me and that’s all I can be. That isn’t me being mean, that is me being human, and just trying to live my life, not trying to cater to everyone else.

As my therapist used to ask me. Who’s driving your bus? I AM THE DRIVER NOW!!!

Ok wow! I didn’t even really feel like writing, I guess I had something to say after all I better wrap this up. I have stuff I want to do. Still REALLY weird to actually “want”. To “plan”, to dream about the future. I’m so excited, and if I were to die tomorrow I feel like I finally have lived at least!

Seems to me that the only thing worse than dying is not having ever lived. I am not sure what all brought me to this moment and this clarity, but I am thankful for it ALL. I know I will have bad days, but I finally have the presence of mind to deal with them.

Presence… OH! That’s another topic for another day!

Goodnight Moon!

Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*



Dear Moon,

I just feel lost these days.  The girls and I went to WinCo the other night and Lydia looks at me out of the blue and ask me, why are you sad?  I told her I didn’t even realize I was, and I didn’t really know why.  Stress mostly I guess about Money and lack there of, and loneliness.   I am sad so often now I guess I don’t even notice it anymore it’s just the way I am now?  I guess it’s just summed up with Depression, but it’s just so dang frustrating because I WANT to be happy, but I guess I’ve forgotten how to REALLY be happy.    Also, I think it has to do with spirituality too.   A large part I’m sure since we do not go to church anymore, we don’t have any kind of spiritual family time either.  Ughh…I don’t even know why I’m writing to you tonight.  I don’t feel like this is going to help this time.  Usually I start feeling better right away.  I just feel LOST!  I am lonely and insecure mainly.  I miss having the comfort and security of a friend I could depend on through rain or shine.  I have that with Patrick, but still it would be nice to have a girl friend too.  Most all my “friends” have moved away.  I have people I’m acquainted with here, but no one that I could just call and say “I REALLY need to talk, I’m just feeling so crappy.”   I miss being there to help out a friend too, to listen to their stuff and help them realize they aren’t alone in the world.  I actually prefer that role I think, to BE the friend rather than depend on a friend.  I just haven’t had many people I could depend on in my life so it takes some serious trust to put myself out there and depend on a person.  Actually it isn’t so much about trust I guess, but I just figure I’ll bother someone else.  I just can’t see how what I think and feel would be important to someone else, well other than my kids and Patrick.  I wish someone would just call me and say “Hey Sharolyn, you want to hang out?” but I know everyone is busy with their friends and family, and who the heck would want to hang out with someone that is a big “Eeyore” these days.

“Oh Bother…”  Maybe this feeling is part of the “Change” hormonal stuff?  I figured I’d have a few more years before that kicked in though.  Maybe if I list some of the stuff that’s on my mind it will just help me to let things go?

  • I haven’t been able to see my Mom or Dad since 2005
  • Elsie’s suicide and not ever being able to say Goodbye and that she was such a good women and I admired her so much for loving us Kids even though we weren’t her own.
  • Knowing that my Mom having cancer and her health issues, and my Dad with his renal failure and dialysis means that I might run out of time being able to save up to go see them.
  • My Dog Shadow who’s been my companion through it all for 12yrs+ has tumors back again and is really getting uncomfortable and I’ll have to say goodbye soon.
  • I’m stressed about Money issues and possible job loss for Patrick again, and my having to decide about being torn between getting a job and not being able to be there for my kids as often.
  • Still feeling like a screw up because I haven’t gotten a routine down even though Patrick’s been retired from the “Navy Life” for over FIVE YEARS and isn’t going anywhere.
  • The usual crap that goes on in my head about how worthless I am which I wish I could figure out how to turn off or conquer in some way.

Well, I guess I feel a little better getting that out here. *Shrugs* I better get to bed, it’s almost 2am.

Goodnight Moon