Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*


Finally figuring out some stuff…

Dear Journal,

Starting to figure out FINALLY why I stay up so late I think. Sort of hit this AM when I was talking with Patrick. Alot of my “bad habits” are coping techniques for dealing with Patrick out to Sea and gone, and this is one of them, but why do I keep it up now? Well, since Patrick retired we’ve had to figure out how to work together and we don’t really work “Together” either he does stuff or I do stuff. I think it’s my way of keeping that separation, the out to Sea thing going because it was the way we lived for most of 16yrs…The thing is it isn’t healthy. I want Patrick and I to be more of Partners, but I know it’s easier for him to just do stuff on his own. Not have to consider me in majority of his decisions. He works, and goes to school, and the rest of his time is spent however he wants to. We don’t plan anything together, but we never really could before anyway.

It’s been almost 4yrs since he retired and I am STILL angry about him staying int he Navy. haha I think I stuffed it away for awhile, but it’s time to just feel it and let it go. Patrick and I’s 20th wedding anniversary is Wednesday (June 9th) and neither of us have anything planned. Partly because we are broke, but partly I think because we need to figure out how to come together and PLAN stuff.

Patrick says he didn’t have any kind of coping things he did for dealing with the separations from the kids and I. He just was able to say ‘There isn’t anything I can do about it so just deal with it and move on.” … I on the other hand fought it every minute of every day. haha Now it’s done!! It’s OVER!! But I am still stuck in places I actually never wanted to be. I don’t know what can fix this, well I know that only I can fix this. It’s funny how this Mental stuff works. It’s like everyone else can see I’m beating my head against a wall, but to me it looks like I’m trying to fix something or change it. Silly…I know.

Ok well, I need to get ready to go. Heading to a Sounders game with sage in a little while. Patrick’s boss has season tickets and we got a couple for tonight. Weee… Anxiety is kicking in though for leaving the house. Another fun “Bad Habit” I got into when Patrick was out to sea. Agoraphobia? Not sure if that is how it’s spelled. Fear of going outside. Yeah it’s wonderful.

It’s sunny outside and I spent most of today Sleeping… *Bonk*