Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*


I miss my Mom

Dear Moon,


This is a picture of my Mom holding Lydia back in 1999 the day Clarissa was born.

I wish she didn’t have cancer and immune issues so she could travel!
I wish we had the money to go and visit her!! And go to Arizona and visit my Dad.  (They are both in their 80’s and not in good health.  Dad goes to Dialisys 3 times a week, and my Mom is getting pretty tired most of the time.)
I wish the economy hadn’t tanked and Patrick hadn’t lost his job!!

I am angry that the choices I’ve made in my life have made it so that I haven’t been able to see my Mom and my kids haven’t been able to be held by her. I say choices because I’m trying to  excert some control and/or responsibility in my life as to why things are the way they are. I am so angry most all the time, but I don’t show it outwardly.  I don’t even think I recognize it most of the time accept like now, it’s quiet and I don’t have any distractions.  I had a good nights sleep (rare) and I’m just being reflective I guess.  I remember that I used to be angry about Patrick being gone all the time and all the Navy life CRAP.  I am thankful that is all over, so I guess I should be getting better now that it’s down to mainly one thing?  haha

Anger turned inward = Depression. I need to learn how to properly feel and release anger. I don’t know why I don’t seem to “get it”.  I am ANGRY!!!  = Disappointed, Frustrated and Sad.  What are “proper” ways of dealing with anger?  I remember parents fighting All The Time… Divorces, Drunk step dad yelling, Freaky step dad yelling, MOM Yelling… Most of the adults in my life growing up were just not happy I don’t think.  My Aunt Elaine was mostly happy I think.  I know my Mom was doing the best she could with 4 kids etc…, but still this is just the way it was and I didn’t learn how to deal with anger properly.  So how do I fix it now??

Anyway, I do feel a little better just actually recognizing it.  I just would REALLY like things to go well for awhile.  I know I’m thankful that my family and I are healthy, the kids are happy, Patrick is working, I’m able to be there for the kids and work in our home.  It’s just that $$$$ has been such a big issue since Patrick retired in 2006.  Patrick has been offered a job at PSNS and he and I are both to wary to be excited about it.  Sucks that “life” has disappointed us over and over again sooo much that neither of us is able to feel “Positive” about anything good that is coming our way.

Well, I usually write at night when the Moon is up. 😀  Oh well, the Moon is up somewhere.

January 4, 2011

Dear journal,

Just figured I’d start trying to journal daily. Just going to see how it goes and not stress myself out about it. Yesterday I woke up from a dream crying and I’ve been in a funk ever since. Just feel bad that I haven’t seen my Mom and Dad in along time, been about five years now. I’m torn between being close with my parents and keeping my distance. I know that sounds stupid but I have had to deal with goodbyes so much that I have some strange warped idea that if I am not close with my parents. It will hurt less when they die. I know logically that I could even go first and that if I keep this distance I will end up with just regret. There was a song in my dream in the background. “is it over” by Yohanna and I just kept thinking that it’s my fault we aren’t close.

Well for the most part I’ve been a big slacker the past few days, weeks actually. I need to get stuff sone! House is a mess. I just can’t seem to get motivated. Probably the money stress and worry about Patrick not working. Just so frustrating. I did win an iPod touch though so that was super awesome!!!

Well I better get to bed it’s after eleven. Kids are just now finally getting settled down and getting to bed. Grrr… Timothy was just down here asking me about a medley he wants to put together for the talent show. He should have been in bed an hour ago. He will probably take another hour getting ready for bed. Hehe