I have FINALLY been able to make some positive changes. I go to bed around 8:30pm/9pm every night and I’m up at 5:30am to take Patrick to work. Having him as a reason started me down this road and being in a better place mentally through weekly video therapy will keep me here. I enjoy seeing the sunrise and looking forward to the day. I still have no idea what to do with my days, but I am figuring it out. I have a craft room now and I spend time in there and listen to podcasts. I am still “checking out” with either audio books or pod casts, but I am finding myself actually sitting quietly with myself which I haven’t ever been comfortable doing before. I am in a place where I am able to feel the things that seemed to be “forbidden” to feel before.
I have therapy once a week and it has been helping me. I have a sense of safety and peace knowing that no matter what comes to mind I can discuss it. I had therapy today and was pretty raw and emotional after words so I opened note pad and started typing and this is what I wrote:
I FINALLY Know Joy!
I once laughed from a place of emptiness.
I now laugh from the lightness in my soul.
The darkness that I kept hidden from the world is now brought into the light.
I lived (survived), I mourn, my wrongness…
Anger erupts from a place down deep, a place where it has been making it hard to sleep, to even rest, always on guard.
A mother’s love, too much for her to handle, I thought I was what was so wrong. Attention needed, attention sought, attention got from a place of annoyance and bitterness from family caught in all the emptiness.
Violence is not love. Neglect is not love. Religion is not love.
I have ALWAYS known what love IS! So many not able to know it or show it.
Finally I am able to feel lightness! What will I be without all this darkness, hidden, stuffed, buried.
I have waited so long, is it too late? Is it ever too late to find joy?
God is love and is in my heart and knows my soul and I have always known no latter how terrible I have felt that “I know I am somebody because God don’t make no junk!” I am not junk, I deserved to be loved and cared for when I was a CHILD no matter how “annoying” I was. It was not my fault that relationships ended.
I don’t think Teddy would have wanted me to have wasted my life feeling guilty that I am alive and she is not. I was out on my own that day and no one would have missed me, it would have been better for everyone if it had been me that was killed. I didn’t realize I carried this nugget of crap with me for so long, but bringing this into the light from the darkness it is clear what a steaming nugget it is. I don’t think anyone in my life ever consoled me with the facts of what had happened, no one even protected me from the specifics of what happened. Listening to conversations about it from my mom and the ladies in the beauty shop. The hardest one… “One of them had to watch the other one die.”. I do not ever recall ever thinking that monsters weren’t real. They are real!
What does Joy feel like?https://www.huffingtonpost.com/trilby-d-johnson/10-reasons-to-add-joy-to-_1_b_8631474.html
Joy is expansive and feels like you are in love, all of the time and with everything, not just one person. It is a warm thrumming and sense of excitement at the beginning of each day and falling asleep with gratitude and appreciation as your last feelings of the day.