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Facing uncertainty…

Hi Moon,

It’s me again, spilling my heart to you because you’re always there, glowing quietly, never judging. Life’s been a lot lately, and I need your quiet light to sort through it. A few weeks ago, around June 17th, Patrick’s mom went into the hospital—her skin was so yellow, jaundiced. They found a tumor on the head of her pancreas, blocking her bile duct. It’s cancer and we’re waiting to hear about her options after her appointment today. It’s hitting me hard because my mom died of pancreatic cancer in 2019. We found out on Mother’s Day, May 12th, and she was gone by May 29th. It was so fast, so brutal, and we never got to have a proper funeral because of Covid shutting everything down in 2020. I think I’m still carrying that grief, and now this news about my mother-in-law is bringing it all back. I don’t want anyone to suffer like that, but especially not my wonderful mother-in-law.

Then, just a few days ago, on July 8th, a wildfire broke out near Clarissa and Tyler’s house—so close they could see it. Tyler’s sister Tarah had to evacuate first, a level 3 “GO” order, and then Tyler’s dad, stepmom, and brother got out, followed by Clarissa and Tyler. They’re all camped out at Tyler’s grandparents’ place all, safe, thank goodness. Their streets are all at a level 2 “SET” status as of yesterday, and they’re hoping evacuation orders lift by tomorrow night. But the weather’s turning hotter, and no one’s sure what’ll happen. I didn’t realize how much emotional attachment I have with their house and so many great memories, it has been my “safe place”. In my mind I used to always visiaulize my Aunt Elaines house as a place that was “safe”, basically a place where love is. I have that for my own home, but I didn’t realize that their place had become my new “safe place” in my head. Somewhere in the world that was safe for me to be emotionally, where love is. With no family left besides Patrick and the kids, the thought of their home burning hit me like a gut punch, and then I felt so selfish for worrying about my potential loss when they’re the ones displaced.

Today’s been rough, with all this worry about my mother-in-law and the wildfire.

Goodnight, Moon.

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Just fog from a storm of life or is it fog of hate?

Dear Moon,

It’s me again, spilling my guts because, well, you’re always there, glowing quietly, never judging. I’ve been crying all day, and I’m not even sure why. I’m 55 now—maybe it’s just this weird season of life messing with me? It just… sucks, you know? Feels like I’m stuck in this heavy fog, and I can’t see my way out.

My kids are all grown up, doing their thing. Clarissa’s getting married to Tyler in August—he’s such a great guy, Moon, makes her so happy. They’re just 30 minutes away, but I miss her like crazy. Lydia’s back closer to home, maybe an hour away with her honey Colton, which is awesome after years of her being so far. And Timothy’s found Jordan, but he’s five hours away, so I barely hear from him. I’m proud of them—strong, kind, smart kids who can handle anything, especially with someone by their side. But I wish they’d call more, you know? I feel like a dried-up old sponge, soaking up any little bit of love they toss my way, but scared I’ll just drain their joy if I ask for too much.

Then there’s Patrick, my rock for 35 years—our anniversary’s coming up on June 9th, can you believe it? He’s still pretty darn wonderful, but his new schedule’s killing me. He’s in bed by 7:30pm, up at 4:30am, and when he’s home around 3:30, he’s all about his routine or fixing that dang truck with its busted steering box. I’m such a night owl, Moon, and I need words to feel close—chatting about crochet, audiobooks, or even politics. He tries to listen when I’m falling apart, and he’s gotten better at it, but I can tell he’d rather be anywhere else. He checks on me, makes sure I’m still breathing in this fog, but we’re both clueless about how to get me out of it.

I’ve made it through so many storms, but this one’s different. It’s so thick, I can’t see a way forward. At 55, I’m wondering if I’ll feel this lonely forever—20 more years if I’m lucky enough to get them. Grandpa used to call me Sunshine, remember? Now I feel all dark and broody, like I should just go full goth. How do you shake this loneliness? I’m scared I’d suck the life out of anyone who got close, like a sponge that’s forgotten how to hold joy.

Writing to you feels safe, like it always has. I keep hoping my kids will start calling just to check in. Clarissa’s been calling on her way home from work, which I love, but I’m scared I messed it up today, getting all worried when she sent me to voicemail. Lydia’s so drained after work, I feel like she’s afraid I’d pull her down too. Timothy chats sometimes, but it’s like there’s this wall between us.

What kicked off this cry-fest was this TV show the other day—a dad hugged his son so tight, and it hit me hard. It reminded me of Aunt Elaine, the only one who ever made me feel safe and loved, no strings attached. She passed last year at 94, Moon, and that love is gone. I don’t trust anyone but Patrick and my kids to love me like that again. And then there’s this fog of hate from politics. Since 2016, it’s like the world broke. I’ve voted in 10 elections out of 14 in my life, but these last few, especially since 2008, have been brutal. I had my reasons for voting Trump, but it cost me my brother in 2020, my sister in 2024, and it’s put this distance with Timothy, maybe Lydia too. Even a high school friend turned mean. People I thought cared about me act like I’m nothing because of my vote. I can’t just nod along with the crowd, so I’m stuck, alone in this fog.

Why do people let some guy in office for 4 or 8 years matter more than family? Their hate for Trump’s eaten them up for eight years, and probably will for the next four. I’ll always love my kids and siblings, but when they say “I love you” or “How are you?”, I don’t believe it anymore. It breaks something inside, Moon, knowing their opinions mean more than me. I tried the family chat, hoping for some kindness to pull me out, but one of the kids just went off about how Trump ruined everything and told me to stop throwing a pity party. Ouch.

Goodnight, Moon. You’ve seen 60 elections and never once judged me for voting. That’s why I keep coming back—you’re safe. Maybe tomorrow this fog will thin out a bit. Thanks for listening.

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A few years later…

Hello Moon!

I would say I was sorry I haven’t talked with you in awhile, but I guess I would be lying, I sort of didn’t need you as much anymore. I stopped writing to you since I was actually allowing my family to know what I was feeling and thinking and that what I wanted/needed mattered. Actually, I know now that I have always mattered to them, but I finally started believing it. It was a conscience effort at first, but I started to believe that I AM worth loving and being considered and worth taking care of. I am not fully believing it yet, but I can feel the difference.

My “wrongness” was just part of me, for as long as I can remember. I still wake up in the morning feeling like I have already failed, but it is getting easier to realize that is just part of the inner crap that was built there as a child. I literally get up in the morning and ask Patrick… “Are you mad at me? Have I disappointed you?” At first it threw him off, but I explained and he gets it now. Most days now I don’t have to ask.

July of 2020 the first BIG steps were taken! I claimed a room in the house as my space. (Ok full disclosure, it is currently cluttered at the moment, but all part of the process.) For years my therapist has been nudging me towards finding out what things I LIKE. What do I LIKE to do, eat, see, wear, play, read, etc… Started out with Cross-stitch, then to Paint-by-numbers, then needle felting which was painful at times, then I ended up on CROCHET! I had learned a little crochet when I was a child at a church activity and used it to crochet little lace boarders on my both my daughter’s baby socks and cloth diapers for burp cloths.

Crochet has become a sort of obsession, I have so much yarn. I have posted many photos on Instagram. I have made blankets, amigurumi, a robe, baskets, pot holders, etc… Also, I crochet now, mainly to make things to give to family. Initially it was to get that feeling that “Here is a gift, don’t be mad at me and love me please”. Now I just give them to them, or make stuff to see if I can complete the pattern and for MY enjoyment and feeling of accomplishment.

Well, I need to get going, we have a 10wk old puppy! Who is keeping us sleep deprived and entertained. We still have Romeo (13), Paavo (8?), Daphne (6), and now Delilah. My beloved cat Nutterbutter died at 16yrs old in November. He had tongue cancer. I still cry and miss him, although Delilah keeps me almost too busy to grieve him as much as I had been, which is a good thing. I did crochet myself a rather large amigurumi so I can hug and snuggle it and think of Nutterbutter.

Until next time Moon!

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The Cycle!

Fear -> Depression -> Anxiety -> Fear and round and round we go!!

Parents teach your kids to deal with emotions rather then shut them down for annoying you!

I am not sure how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Period. I’ve been in therapy for years now, I’ve tried medication off and on. I’ve dealt with the violence from my youth, the survivors guilt from another child murder, the empty nest symptoms and I realized that my “goto” coping mechanisms are not working, and realizing they never really did they were just like a “drug of choice” to who we degrade by calling junkies. I never went that route thankfully since I was adverse to it growing up with an alcoholic.

I was steered to sitting infront of a TV screen emersion into families that were not at all like my own. “Wait ’til your father gets home!”…my step dad would usually be drunk he kept vodka all over the house and under the seat of the car in his truck even! Or how about this one?… “Here is a cookie if you shut up and stop “Annoying” me!”. I put my kids off at time myself, buy I would like to think that in the times they truly needed me I was there, but I doubt it. I chose to be a parent I should have put them first.

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Finally Knowing Joy

Dear Moon,

I have FINALLY been able to make some positive changes. I go to bed around 8:30pm/9pm every night and I’m up at 5:30am to take Patrick to work. Having him as a reason started me down this road and being in a better place mentally through weekly video therapy will keep me here. I enjoy seeing the sunrise and looking forward to the day. I still have no idea what to do with my days, but I am figuring it out. I have a craft room now and I spend time in there and listen to podcasts. I am still “checking out” with either audio books or pod casts, but I am finding myself actually sitting quietly with myself which I haven’t ever been comfortable doing before. I am in a place where I am able to feel the things that seemed to be “forbidden” to feel before.

I have therapy once a week and it has been helping me. I have a sense of safety and peace knowing that no matter what comes to mind I can discuss it. I had therapy today and was pretty raw and emotional after words so I opened note pad and started typing and this is what I wrote:

I FINALLY Know Joy!

I once laughed from a place of emptiness.
I now laugh from the lightness in my soul.

The darkness that I kept hidden from the world is now brought into the light.
I lived (survived), I mourn, my wrongness…

Anger erupts from a place down deep, a place where it has been making it hard to sleep, to even rest, always on guard.

A mother’s love, too much for her to handle, I thought I was what was so wrong. Attention needed, attention sought, attention got from a place of annoyance and bitterness from family caught in all the emptiness.

Violence is not love. Neglect is not love. Religion is not love.

I have ALWAYS known what love IS! So many not able to know it or show it.

Finally I am able to feel lightness! What will I be without all this darkness, hidden, stuffed, buried.

I have waited so long, is it too late? Is it ever too late to find joy?

God is love and is in my heart and knows my soul and I have always known no latter how terrible I have felt that “I know I am somebody because God don’t make no junk!” I am not junk, I deserved to be loved and cared for when I was a CHILD no matter how “annoying” I was. It was not my fault that relationships ended.

I don’t think Teddy would have wanted me to have wasted my life feeling guilty that I am alive and she is not. I was out on my own that day and no one would have missed me, it would have been better for everyone if it had been me that was killed. I didn’t realize I carried this nugget of crap with me for so long, but bringing this into the light from the darkness it is clear what a steaming nugget it is. I don’t think anyone in my life ever consoled me with the facts of what had happened, no one even protected me from the specifics of what happened. Listening to conversations about it from my mom and the ladies in the beauty shop. The hardest one… “One of them had to watch the other one die.”. I do not ever recall ever thinking that monsters weren’t real. They are real!

What does Joy feel like?
Joy is expansive and feels like you are in love, all of the time and with everything, not just one person. It is a warm thrumming and sense of excitement at the beginning of each day and falling asleep with gratitude and appreciation as your last feelings of the day.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/trilby-d-johnson/10-reasons-to-add-joy-to-_1_b_8631474.html
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What a difference a year makes!

PTSDDear Moon,

Wow, it has been so long since I have wanted open up so “publicly” as this. (Even though this is basically private since no one really knows about this.) I clicked around on the site and found some draft posts that I never published while life was kicking my butt so I went ahead and published them and back dated them to the dates when I wrote them.

Basically there were some crappy things that happened and now things are better. In a nutshell, October of 2018 I quit my job due to physical issues that I found out were being caused by anxiety that was basically sitting on top of depression from life events that I never emotionally dealt with, or didn’t have the capacity to deal with, so I was giving up on most everything outside of my safe home. Thankfully my family and co-workers wouldn’t really let me completely cut ties, also I’m good at the job I was doing, I think they needed me. I know I needed them.

It has been over a year now and I am back to working, but only 3 days a week for about 4hrs a day. Sometimes longer depending out what my boss needs done. I am not able to really even depend on myself, but for the past 3wks I’ve been working an 11am to 3pm shift, but usually it’s 1pm to 5pm because that seems to be a time when I could make sure I could get myself up and out of the house by. I also go to therapy once a week.

Also, my mother died May 29, 2019. Shirley Ward she would have been 89yrs old this november. Mother’s Day we found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and then she went down hill from there. She had been having issues with her memory for over a year and stomach issues. They finally were able to get tests done and found the cancer had metastasized to her liver.  I don’t want to write about that now.

Basically I wanted to get back to writing in this blog/journal so that I could have this outlet to speak in secret to the universe and imagine that those I would like to see what I write are able to. My therapist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. I’m realizing that most everything about me has to do with what others around me wanted or needed from me even my emotions and my reactions. What I like or didn’t like. I’m starting to understand more about WHY I’m this way so I can FINALLY fixed it. I turned 50 in October! It’s really weird to start figuring out what I like and want to do. I’m trying to make a Christmas list and realizing I don’t know what the heck to put on it. I think I react the way I’m “expected” to mostly.  I don’t know if this thought process is even correct. I’m just trying to fix what is broken. This article had some good ideas on working through things. Also the Prozac i’m on isn’t too bad either! Lol 9-steps-healing-childhood-trauma-adult

Anyway I think this is enough for now. I’m get really anxious and shakey if I get too into the emotional stuff. I’ll see about getting back into using this blog. Maybe it could be a good tool for me.

Goodnight!

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When you are left to wonder…

Seems to be this is a time of wonder and not in a good way…

  • Having to wonder about how I am doing at my new job and if I am the best person for the business when I’m sure there are many who could do much better than I am.
  • Having to wonder if Timothy will be able to bounce back from the cruel injustice of how another human being can treat another. One you thought that care about you.

**Dec 13, 2019 Found this in my drafts probably from July 15, 2018 it looks like. Figured why not publish it. I’ll back date it if I can.**

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“Life is like a cup of tea it’s all about how you make it.”

Hi Moon,ego.jpg

I was just thinking how long it has been since I talked to you. I had been feeling kind of “lost” recently, but at this moment I feel like I am in a pretty good place I think.

Back in July 2017 when I posted about Patrick and I’s road trip, Family, I didn’t mention that about a month before we left we bought a new car, that we really couldn’t afford without me going back to work.

I hadn’t worked like a “Real” job for years. So, the day we bought the car, I went and applied at the local temp agency and figured I’d “put my toe in”, and see if I would be “ok” working again since I really wasn’t sure that I would be emotionally, or physically for that matter.

Well, they didn’t contact me for a job until the day before my birthday!  Which in hindsight I feel like it was meant to happen the way it did. I had applied around June 29th, and didn’t get offered any jobs until Oct 12th! I had been kind of worried as time went by without a job, but I didn’t let it get me spun out of control. I just continued to work on “Me” and getting my sleep fixed (Finally!!!), my weight figured out (Still working on it.). Honestly looking back on it now, I can totally see I wasn’t emotionally, or physically ready until Oct 12th.

I have no idea how God the Universe and everything works, but after the time I have had here, I do know that I can trust in some things. Things happen as they are meant to it seems, sadly even the bad things. I also feel that good can come from even the worst things. I do not believe death is the worst thing actually. It’s just an end. ANYWAY!…I had faith and I got an offer to start part-time for 1 week on Oct 16th. I figured PERFECT. Part-time, I can work into it.

Well, I have worked there ever since. I worked part-time at first. Thankfully they let me, then at the beginning of the year, I committed to working full time.  I’ve been working for a Social Security Disability Attorney as an office assistant. I most often work with the office manager/paralegal she is older than me by almost 14yrs, but she is AMAZING.  I hope I can be as sharp as she is at her age. I also work with a couple awesome ladies that are even older than her and so active and sharp.

Haha, These ladies would probably think I’m seriously silly, but for some reason, I had this total misconception that at 48 I’ve got like one foot in the grave!  I suppose in my defense I had been so depressed that in my mind I had just been “waiting to die”. I hope I never feel that way again. Especially when I am actually waiting to die. Those are moments TO LIVE!! ALL OF THEM ARE… (Even the ones I use up playing Love Nikki, Dress up Queen!) Whatever I choose!!

I really like my job. I feel like I’m helping people, and I get to use all the tools I learned in therapy to cope with stress, other people, and different hours then I was used to. I honestly am so thankful that I wasn’t offered this opportunity anytime before now. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it or enjoyed it as much as I am right now.

The main thing now that I’m having trouble with is Patrick and I get to where we once were. Well, now that I’ve typed that, maybe the thing is I should stop trying to compare to what we were in the beginning. We need to figure out where we want to be for the future…

The Future…That right there is something I didn’t really truly even acknowledge for most all my life so far. Not really, only in the past year and a half, maybe closer to two now, I’m not exactly sure. I’m sure I said it, but not truly believed that I had one. In my mind, EVERYONE else would have one, but I wouldn’t. Being told my whole life that “I was so fat and that I would die young” just never left me in a place to even contemplate my future. I was just fat and going to die. I still may die tomorrow and it may be weight related, but I am no longer just living to die. I am living to LIVE, and to figure out what that means to me.

What does it mean to LIVE? Spend my time doing things that help others, to love, to be kind, to find peace, share hope, and to spread light in this world! (NO Patrick, not just the light from my Nikki game while we are in bed and you’re trying to sleep.) I look forward to making new connections, not stress about them like I once did. Not to be always looking for approval (Although I still do, especially at work.). I am a work in progress, but I am my work in progress and It doesn’t matter what ANYONE ELSE THINKS!! I’m me! Love me or hate me. I don’t really care. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about how you feel. That is your responsibility, not mine. I may have some fault in your feelings and why you are feeling them, but it is up to you to take responsibility to be upset by it, forgive it,  talk with me about it to let me know, or BRUSH IT OFF! I may choose to change or not, but I am me and that’s all I can be. That isn’t me being mean, that is me being human, and just trying to live my life, not trying to cater to everyone else.

As my therapist used to ask me. Who’s driving your bus? I AM THE DRIVER NOW!!!

Ok wow! I didn’t even really feel like writing, I guess I had something to say after all I better wrap this up. I have stuff I want to do. Still REALLY weird to actually “want”. To “plan”, to dream about the future. I’m so excited, and if I were to die tomorrow I feel like I finally have lived at least!

Seems to me that the only thing worse than dying is not having ever lived. I am not sure what all brought me to this moment and this clarity, but I am thankful for it ALL. I know I will have bad days, but I finally have the presence of mind to deal with them.

Presence… OH! That’s another topic for another day!

Goodnight Moon!

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Family

Hello Moon!bd02b18f57a7c2dbc97515ea6f3f26d3--quotes-on-family-love-beautiful-family-quotes

Patrick and I are on vacation for almost 2wks together without kids, and just finding us again. This is the first time he and I are out on our own since the kids, and no one died. Last time was when Daddy died May 2013.  I should be asleep, but I’m not. I am feeling pretty happy! I didn’t realize how much I needed to see my family, to feel that connection to my childhood and those who inhabited the happy places of my memory.

Most everyone that we have visited is someone that I haven’t seen in not just years, but decades. Also, I was able to find and connect with my Dad’s side of the family, I hope we can stay connected.

The whole trip started with planning to see my Mom since she hasn’t been doing too well. I didn’t want to wait so Patrick said let’s go. Also, my 30yr Class Reunion was coming up so just figured to lump it all in together. I figured we could save money by not doing the reunion, but Patrick pointed out that I may regret not participating, so now I am excited and nervous that we are going. It will be neat to see classmates from High School. It is especially significant having had my baby just graduated high school in June. 30yrs apart!

This trip has been emotionally healing so far. Between meeting my Dad’s nieces, to spending a few days chatting with my Aunt Elaine and visiting with my Aunt Lois I have learned so much and literally feel lighter.

Circumstances being as they were with my parents being divorced and what led to that fact, I didn’t often ever remember hearing people talk kindly and fondly about my Dad. On this trip, I was able to hear that he was FUN! That he was enjoyed. He and his Big Brother would tease with his brother’s kids. They said he was a good man and had a great smile. Something about that exchange has made me feel different, better.

When I was visiting with my Aunt Elaine I learned that she is a storyteller. I don’t know if I ever knew that about her, but she tells stories and then began writing them down. She let me copy them to a thumb drive and I am looking forward to reading them. Also, she colors. I LOVE coloring too but haven’t done it in awhile. I talked to her about so many things and her responses have changed me for the better I think. She reminded me to be positive.

While visiting with my Aunt Lois it hit me that I would have loved to have known her and had her to talk with throughout my life. She has such a great sense of humor and she sings often! It’s like there is always music in her and it periodically bubbles out, she will hear a phrase in a conversation that will remind her of a song and she will start singing that song. Many were from the Glenn Miller band era. A few I recognized a few I didn’t. I was sooo happy when I was able to get Clarissa on video chat and see her Great Aunt Lois. She got to see her Great Aunt Elaine to that way.

Tomorrow we head to Palm Springs for the 1st night of the reunion, a casual meet and greet. Then Saturday is the “Official Reunion”. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see my Mom then or not. I’m really looking forward to seeing my Mom in a way I hadn’t before. We talked on the phone tonight and it just felt lighter and fun. Sitting and talking with my Aunt Lois somehow opened me up to see my Mom in a different way. I am not sure I could explain it. I think it would be a perspective thing.

Anyway, I REALLY need to get to sleep, I’m not sure what time check out is tomorrow, and I am making it hard for Patrick to sleep while I’m typing along here.

Goodnight Moon!

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Cheer and cry at the same time…

Dear Moon,

Well, on Tuesday night while watching the Election results I was sort of shocked that my candidate won!! I was excited for the possible change he might bring, hopeful that he would be different then the “usual” politician. Then almost as instantly as I was cheering, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

**It’s Dec 13, 2019 and I just found this in my Drafts from Nov 2016. Figured I would publish it.**