Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*


Anxiety most of the day, but a pretty good day over all!

Dear Journal,

Well, I had this underlying anxiety going all day, not sure what that was all about, but was a bit unnerving. I didn’t really get going until around Noon, but felt good pretty much over all. I got a lot out of my system last night on here so I guess that was good. Haha I finished up the Treasurer’s report and had all my “ducks in a row” so I felt good about that at the PTA meeting tonight. I tend to make Mountains out of Mole Hills and make mundane trivial things HUGE and overwhelming. I guess it goes with the irrational thought processes that contribute to my depression issue.

I have learned techniques to deal with the thoughts sometimes, the Generalizations especially, but sometimes it seems like their aren’t thoughts involved I just feel like crap. Also, I think sometimes I’m just reacting like anyone would to life stresses but since I’ve been depressed before it’s like I’m always trying to be vigilant as to what is going on so that I don’t get into the “break down” situation again. I think that when I had my break down 5yrs ago that was a whole completely different situation in that Patrick was still Active duty military, I was stressed with going to school, taking care of 3 kids alone, and than on top of that not having any family or friends to count on for help which I think was a HUGE factor. Solitary confinement makes you crazy. haha Now I am not doing this alone, I have Patrick here, the kids are older (they have always been helpful and wonderful kids for the most part.) and I have awesome friends that care and I just don’t think I could ever get into that dark lonely place again, but I still am always trying to be careful.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is I feel good at the moment, I spent the last two days in bed most of the time in a weird place and I’m out now so I guess I need to work on dealing with stresses better. I think there were just too many all at once which made this past couple days worse. I feel good right now!! And I think I learned from this time so hopefully I won’t have this happen again any time soon. I need to talk the stuff out with Patrick as it comes up, also the fact that I’ll NEED to be starting back to work soon pretty much threw me off guard, brought up a lot of the crap that goes with being a Mom & a Full time employee. I HATED the feeling when you are expected to choose between your children and your job. That is the worst feeling! Having to decide which is more important taking care of your child when they are sick or working to pay the bills and put food on the table. I didn’t ever want to have to get back into that situation. I go without professional hair cuts, manicures, I go without new clothes, shoes etc.. until they are holey and or falling off, so I don’t have to work. I think it will be different now, the kids are all older and can take care of themselves basically and I am kind of excited to get back out there now that I’m typing about the possiblity of going back to work in here. hehe It would be like getting my identity back, not just being “Mom” all the time.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up though. I would love to find a job where I could talk with people all day long, and do data entry, filing (yes I like to file I’m weird), answer phones, have deadlines, and a PAYCHECK! hehe It’s frustrating sometimes that the M.O.M. job doesn’t have a paycheck, nothing at the end of the week that says. “You are worth this…Much”

Ok well, I need to go get some of my MOM duties done and just enjoy this time home with the family. I’m sitting here next to Timothy while he plays on the kids computer. Patrick is upstairs with the girls watching Myth-busters. 😀 I LOVE MY FAMILY!! I am so thankful that we are all happy and healthy and have a warm safe home to live in. I am VERY blessed!!

Goodnight Journal!