Dear Journal,

Well, I had this underlying anxiety going all day, not sure what that was all about, but was a bit unnerving. I didn’t really get going until around Noon, but felt good pretty much over all. I got a lot out of my system last night on here so I guess that was good. Haha I finished up the Treasurer’s report and had all my “ducks in a row” so I felt good about that at the PTA meeting tonight. I tend to make Mountains out of Mole Hills and make mundane trivial things HUGE and overwhelming. I guess it goes with the irrational thought processes that contribute to my depression issue.

I have learned techniques to deal with the thoughts sometimes, the Generalizations especially, but sometimes it seems like their aren’t thoughts involved I just feel like crap. Also, I think sometimes I’m just reacting like anyone would to life stresses but since I’ve been depressed before it’s like I’m always trying to be vigilant as to what is going on so that I don’t get into the “break down” situation again. I think that when I had my break down 5yrs ago that was a whole completely different situation in that Patrick was still Active duty military, I was stressed with going to school, taking care of 3 kids alone, and than on top of that not having any family or friends to count on for help which I think was a HUGE factor. Solitary confinement makes you crazy. haha Now I am not doing this alone, I have Patrick here, the kids are older (they have always been helpful and wonderful kids for the most part.) and I have awesome friends that care and I just don’t think I could ever get into that dark lonely place again, but I still am always trying to be careful.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is I feel good at the moment, I spent the last two days in bed most of the time in a weird place and I’m out now so I guess I need to work on dealing with stresses better. I think there were just too many all at once which made this past couple days worse. I feel good right now!! And I think I learned from this time so hopefully I won’t have this happen again any time soon. I need to talk the stuff out with Patrick as it comes up, also the fact that I’ll NEED to be starting back to work soon pretty much threw me off guard, brought up a lot of the crap that goes with being a Mom & a Full time employee. I HATED the feeling when you are expected to choose between your children and your job. That is the worst feeling! Having to decide which is more important taking care of your child when they are sick or working to pay the bills and put food on the table. I didn’t ever want to have to get back into that situation. I go without professional hair cuts, manicures, I go without new clothes, shoes etc.. until they are holey and or falling off, so I don’t have to work. I think it will be different now, the kids are all older and can take care of themselves basically and I am kind of excited to get back out there now that I’m typing about the possiblity of going back to work in here. hehe It would be like getting my identity back, not just being “Mom” all the time.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up though. I would love to find a job where I could talk with people all day long, and do data entry, filing (yes I like to file I’m weird), answer phones, have deadlines, and a PAYCHECK! hehe It’s frustrating sometimes that the M.O.M. job doesn’t have a paycheck, nothing at the end of the week that says. “You are worth this…Much”

Ok well, I need to go get some of my MOM duties done and just enjoy this time home with the family. I’m sitting here next to Timothy while he plays on the kids computer. Patrick is upstairs with the girls watching Myth-busters. 😀 I LOVE MY FAMILY!! I am so thankful that we are all happy and healthy and have a warm safe home to live in. I am VERY blessed!!

Goodnight Journal!