It has been awhile since I wrote here. I’m just in a place where I am so sick of people being pissed off at me for something I did or said that upset them to the point that they tell everyone else, but me. I know my opinions won’t be the same as everyone else, and I get that. I totally understand that I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I never purposefully intend on hurting anyone. If anything I would literally hurt myself to help someone else if it would help them.
After this volunteer position is over with I will never put myself out there like this again. When the kids were in Elementary school I did it so I could meet people since I did not have any friends or family in the area, and I ended up more closed off by the time all was said and done. I figured that that situation wouldn’t happen again I took a chance, and here I am all over again, not as betrayed as before, but still at a loss for what to do.
I am thankful for sweet ladies that I met back then and some now too which in some ways makes it all worth it, but I just keep coming back to wondering “What the heck am I doing that is so wrong?”…People keep saying that “this is just like High School”, the fact is that these situations I have been in were nothing like high school. I was fat and teased for being fat mostly by guys, but girls were pretty kind to me for the most part. I didn’t have many “close” friends, but I had one that I still have to this day even though life has made things difficult for us to hang out. No where in High School did I ever deal with this, and maybe that is the problem.
Was I just supposed to know that some females can treat each other like crap and it’s “Ok” because that’s “Just what we do.” I know I have a part to play in any issue between me and another person, and I am fine with talking with them and trying to work it out. Even if we have to walk away and come back to it later. Seems to be that that is what is supposed to be different then “High School” I guess that we are all adults and should be able to get to the point where we can agree to disagree?
Anyway Moon, I just wanted to support the kids in the music program and maybe get to meet people and maybe make some friendships and maybe that’s where I went wrong. Volunteering is not a way to make friends just enemies I guess. It’s just all so sad, and it so hard to feel worse about myself then I already did.
I should be starting counseling up again soon so hopefully that will help me understand what exactly I’m doing that is so wrong.