Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*



Dear Journal,

After writing a message to my niece to wish her a happy birthday I realized how much time I’ve spent being Angry. I was so paralyzed by it for so long that I screwed up so many relationships it’s not even funny. I guess I can’t take all the responsibility for them, but some I can. The anger turned me inward to where I couldn’t really see anything but “the broadside of the barn”. Which is funny because that’s how my Mom would describe some of the outfits I liked to wear or coats I thought were cool. More stuff I’ve was angry about that I never just dealt with… I don’t want to hurt any ones feelings that might read this, but I need to get some stuff out of my system. Deal with the feelings so I can LET THEM GO!! I’m a stuffer is what the counselor would refer to it as. I get pissed, hurt, upset and I stuff it. He’d wad up pieces of paper and stuff them into an empty coffee cup until he couldn’t fit anymore in and than he’d take his hand away… He also referred to my anger as something “comfortable” and known to me. “you wear your anger like a coat”…

I feel like I live in a constant catch 22 situation!

Patrick has been retired from “The Navy” for over 3yrs…3yrs & 8mos on May 26th. Ugh!!! And I’m STILL screwed up. I have a hard time getting motivated to do stuff. I “escape” still rather than just deal with crap that happens day to day. I guess I should say “Stuff” not “escape”, same thing I guess. I watch TV shows until 1am that I have recorded all the while stuffing my life and thoughts, I get on Facebook and stuff my life away while I check out everyone else’s, I read books and stuff my life behind the pages I’ve read!!

I want to be present in my life!

I remember the counselor would ask me. “Who’s driving the bus?!” referring to the fact that it’s my life who’s making the choices. I don’t know that I have ever “made choices” I seem to trip along into my life…stuff happens and I flow with it, like a prisoner sometimes.

I am “happy” I think, but I feel more like a spectator watching my life and I’m happy that things are going “well” must of the time. I don’t feel crappy and emotional all the time, it’s basically when the “coffee mug” is getting full when things start pushing to explode…feelings are wanting to be felt, dealt with and dissipated. Like a “Normal” person does. I hold stuff in, I don’t go to the person that has hurt me and say…”I feel ____ because of how you did ____ to me.” Or whatever it is. Partly I guess because if I am hurt by someone I figure I must deserve it. (Self Esteem issues)

I know I am getting better, I was in a much worse place 3yrs and almost 8mos ago! I wouldn’t even leave the house much if at all for at least 2yrs before that. I remember driving to Silverdale with Patrick and it had been sooo long since I laughed that I remember saying something to him as we were getting off the freeway at the Mall/Target exit. “Omgosh I haven’t felt this good in soooooo long”. I remember saying it and feeling it like walking out of a cold dark place and feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. That was when I knew I was getting better…

When Patrick re-enlisted in the Navy I died inside I think. I went into a crisis overload mode of stuffing, I shoved everything in that “Coffee mug” so deep and so hard that I was numb and it didn’t explode for years. During that numbness though I missed soooo much!!!!

I am angry right now!! I am crying and feeling it!!! I am no longer numb and that’s good!!! It’s not about blame it’s not about justice or fixing anything it’s just about not being afraid to feel. I don’t have to feel like I’m not strong by crying or being pissed. It’s not about “I should haves”!!!

All that there is is Now. I am my yesterdays, but I don’t have to live in them today!

I feel better now…