Looking to “Find Myself”…

Dear Moon,

Well, I’ve been feeling pretty blue the past several months and just finally figured I should get some of it out, since it usually helps.  I find myself feeling lonely and sad so I start running trough ideas of things that might help and just start “Shoulding on myself”.  (Basically “SHITting on myself” as a nurse told me about once. She talked with me when I was at Harrison back in 2005 and told me about how we all do this sometimes. It’s been pretty helpful to think of what she said when I use the word “SHOULD”.)

I “Should”: 

  • Get a job
  • Get a hobby
  • Go Volunteer
  • Get out of the house
  • Be around people
  • Go to church
  • Get on medication
  • Go to counseling
  • Clean the house
  • Take care of myself better
  • Loose weight
  • Get a life!

I don’t know if any of those will help actually, and especially not until I turn them into “I Want to” vs “I Should”.  I need to just deal with the feelings I’m feeling and move on.  I REALLY hope that my kids aren’t as screwed up about feeling their feelings as I am. Patrick seems pretty “Normal” so I figured they have a chance!

I am still sad about my Dad being gone, maybe not exactly sad but disappointed and regretful that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I KNOW my Dad is in a better place and out of pain, and worrying about him is one less thing on my mind, BUT I am sad that I didn’t get/take the time/opportunity to get to know him better.  I’m angry at myself for not making seeing my parents more of a priority I guess, and figuring out how to put them 1st on the list instead of Patrick and the Kids. One of the last few times I talked with my Mom she had eluded to the fact that I could have “Chosen” to lived closer to my parents if I had put up more of a fight. I don’t recall her words exactly, but I was just sort of floored that she could think that I had a choice of where I would live. There are so many things I wish I could have asked my Dad and talked with him about. I try and think it through and tell myself that it’s OK, that circumstances were what they were and the main thing I suppose I should remind myself is that there is NOTHING I can do about it now!  It’s too late, forgive myself and move on right?

Another thing that is getting me down and has been a big wake up call for me is that Timothy went off to school and I am so happy, proud and excited for him!  He’s gone on to live his life BUT I guess I didn’t do myself any favors by making him and the girls “My Life”. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly thankful that I’ve been able to be home with them. The thing is early on my being home with the kids was by necessity not always choice, but later on it became more of a choice or possibly now in the past several years more of a feeling of not being qualified to do anything else.  When the kids were young and Patrick was active duty we tried having me working and taking care of the kids and him out to Sea, but that  didn’t work especially since we didn’t have any support system.  It’s only been in the last five or six years that I know what a comfort it is to have people to count on. People that I could call and say…”HELP ME” and I know they would come.  I remember after we got settled here I tried doing school and taking care of three kids with Patrick out to Sea and I ended up in the Harrison Hospital mental ward…kids refer to it as my visit to the “Funny Farm”.

So well, now here I am with a full realization that my kids are not going to be looking to be excited to come home or call me and say “Hi Mom, guess what I did today?”. I miss hearing about their days, I am glad though that they feel comfortable enough to come talk with me if they are having an issue or problem with someone or something, but lately it seems like “I” am the problem or issue. I tend to just frustrate and upset them. I suppose it is the way it is meant to be, I have always told them I’m not your friend I’m your Mom.  Seems to be that while telling them that I should have listened to myself because for me they are/were my friends.  Probably partly why I miss Timothy so much is I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was a night owl too! College is going to tame that out of him thankfully. The world doesn’t work real well on Night Owl time. 😀

So basically the last several months I’ve been pretty depressed for the most part. Patrick thankfully puts up with me and tries to help as he can. He is really busy though with work and school and we are trying to figure out our relationship as it is changing too. I think we are looking forward to the possibilities that will be available when our “nest” is empty.  I came into the garage earlier to talk with Patrick and to apologize about being a downer and behind on all my “Homemaker” duties and he looked at me and said very kindly and lovingly. “I understand you are trying to find yourself” and went back to working on his welding hobby/job, I went over and gave him a BIG kiss and thanked him since that was the most loving thing I’d heard in a long time also a big “Light bulb” moment. It’s exactly what I need to do.

Well, I don’t think I’m going to find myself in the middle of the night blogging to the Moon on my computer Eh? I better get some sleep and hopefully something will come to me soon about “Who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!”.

Goodnight Moon and thank you for being such a good listener, *GRIN*


January 6, 2011

Dear Journal,

What a day! Lol. Headed out around 11:30am to head over to Lowes and Lingenbrink Ortho to get the iPod touch I won. Drove over and picked up Sage and checked out her new porch and stairs which look awesome I might add, and chatted with the contractor guy who is doing the work. He is really nice and we ended up on the topic of squirrels and found out the large nests that I see in many of the trees around the area here are squirrel nests. Which I thought was pretty cool.

Well from there we headed off to Lowes to get my “cleaning bucket” and ended up hitting Taco Bell for a little $2 deal lunch. Yummy. We ended up talking and laughing like we always do when we are hanging out. We hung out for awhile in Lowes parking lot than headed in for the search for the “cleaning bucket”. First the guy that greeted us offered me the 1gal size and I had to tell him that was just to big, so he took us over to an area with lots of paint buckets etc… Sage and I found a smallish one that I really like that was just right, and she said her mom has the same bucket, so figured it must be the perfect size “grin” which I do think it will be great, nice and sturdy and perfect size for my scrub brush. :). So, we headed out and we were thirsty so stopped at Jack in the Box for a large tea…(they have the best iced tea I think).

Well, we headed back to my house and sat down and than I realized we hadn’t stopped to pick up the iPod. *face palm* …

So Patrick was also needing a really sturdy light bulb for his work light in the garage soooo…. We headed back over to Lowes, we went through the different bulbs and then left and then I was a bit hungry so we hit Taco bell again. Haha same lady was working and she thought it was pretty funny and asked if we’d be back later, had to break it to her that we wouldn’t be back again today. Hahaha

So we headed home, but realized that it was almost time to get Calli, Tel and Kaitlyn from school, so we couldn’t go get the Ipod and headed straight to the school to get the kids. Then we headed to their house and dropped everyone off, and I pulled up in front of the house and was like… Againg I didn’t get the IPod! So it was almost 4pm, I called in to Patricks phone and asked him to send Lydia out and after calling the Ortho office to make sure they would be there we raced off, Marifae said she would be there until 4:20pm and we made it. She is such a sweet lady, and we were able to meet her hubby. What a cute couple! Anyway, I had told Lydia that she was going to have to wait until her birthday to get the iPod, but since she was with me i figured what the heck she could have it now. She was soooo happy, she even did this little “I got an IPod touch dance” as we were leaving. Ill have to ask Marifae if she saw her. Hahaha

After we had left for the Ortho office Patrick had texted that we should pick up Timothy from swim practice while we were out so we TCDD back sure, and than got the iPod, and after getting it headed HOME… Oops!! We get part way over the bridge and than I remember. Ughh… We FORGOT TO GET TIMOTHY from swim practice. Hahahh Lydia and I were gabbing about how the iPod touch would get broken or stolen on the way home or in the next couple days, and just laughing our butts off. She had gotten a cell phone her 6th grade year and was soooo excited about this cell phone that flipped out sort of like a jackknife and was an mp3 player, it ended up getting stolen TWICE and she had so much heart ache and stress over it that I think we realized somewhere during that whole issue that it was “Just a phone” that our giggling was our way of reminding ourselves that yes this IPod touch is awesomely cool! But, it is still just a thing and isn’t really that important to get sooo upset about if something terrible should happen to it.

I felt bad for Clarissa when we got home and she saw Lydia had the only thing she really wanted for Christmas! We told her that she would get one for her birthday, but she really didn’t want to have to wait. She was upset a bit and than she realized she will be getting hers and chilled out some. When we had asked Lydia what she had wanted for her birthday, since it is in like 20days, she really just said books. I had asked her if she would want an iPod touch and she was saying “no they cost too much” because she is old enough to realize all this money mess with Patrick not having been working. So winning an IPod touch I know was for her. She is so good with money, smart with her education, and has most always acted so mature. Well accept when she would run headlong for the ocean when she was little because she loved the water sooooo much. Hehe

Well, I better wrap this up, heading to Seattle tomorrow for Jori’s dr apt. Sage and I are taking Jori, Clarissa, Calli, and Kk so it should be a fun day. Sooo, I’ll have to wait until Saturday to use my new “cleaning bucket”!

Nighty night