Hi Moon, 

It has been awhile since I wrote here. I’m just in a place where I am so sick of people being pissed off at me for something I did or said that upset them to the point that they tell everyone else, but me. I know my opinions won’t be the same as everyone else, and I get that. I totally understand that I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I never purposefully intend on hurting anyone. If anything I would literally hurt myself to help someone else if it would help them.

After this volunteer position is over with I will never put myself out there like this again. When the kids were in Elementary school I did it so I could meet people since I did not have any friends or family in the area, and I ended up more closed off by the time all was said and done. I figured that that situation wouldn’t happen again I took a chance, and here I am all over again, not as betrayed as before, but still at a loss for what to do.

I am thankful for sweet ladies that I met back then and some now too which in some ways makes it all worth it, but I just keep coming back to wondering “What the heck am I doing that is so wrong?”…People keep saying that “this is just like High School”, the fact is that these situations I have been in were nothing like high school. I was fat and teased for being fat mostly by guys, but girls were pretty kind to me for the most part. I didn’t have many “close” friends, but I had one that I still have to this day even though life has made things difficult for us to hang out. No where in High School did I ever deal with this, and maybe that is the problem.

Was I just supposed to know that some females can treat each other like crap and it’s “Ok” because that’s “Just what we do.” I know I have a part to play in any issue between me and another person, and I am fine with talking with them and trying to work it out. Even if we have to walk away and come back to it later. Seems to be that that is what is supposed to be different then “High School” I guess that we are all adults and should be able to get to the point where we can agree to disagree?

Anyway Moon, I just wanted to support the kids in the music program and maybe get to meet people and maybe make some friendships and maybe that’s where I went wrong. Volunteering is not a way to make friends just enemies I guess. It’s just all so sad, and it so hard to feel worse about myself then I already did.

I should be starting counseling up again soon so hopefully that will help me understand what exactly I’m doing that is so wrong.

~ Sharolyn

Hi Moon!!

I guess you would think that not posting in this “journal” since the end of last year has been a good thing, but now that I’m sitting down to actually do it I realize the reason has probably been that I’ve been too “blue” to actually talk to you. A few weeks ago I was reading an article about an Anxiety Disorder that I found a link on my Facebook news feed from “Psychology Today” or “Psychcentral” Facebook pages and thought it really fit with my mental state. Then tonight my sweet wonderful son sent me a link to a very similar article but the symptoms are pretty much exactly where I’m at.

Signs and Symptoms ~

• Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
• Self-imposed social isolation
• Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships[12]
• Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Severe low self-esteem
• Self-loathing
• Mistrust of others
• Emotional distancing related to intimacy
• Highly self-conscious
• Self-critical about their problems relating to others
• Problems in occupational functioning
• Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
• Feeling inferior to others
• In some extreme cases, agoraphobia
• Uses fantasy as a form of escapism to interrupt painful thoughts

The fact that he sent me the article just shows me how “profound” my symptoms must be and that I’m not hiding them very well. I guess over the years I fought all the negativity, but over the past maybe 10yrs I have slowly just given into them and taken them to heart and figured I would be safer and happier just hanging out in my house.  It really sucks though because I am showing my kids a really unhealthy way to deal with emotions and I don’t know how to fix it now. I wouldn’t wish feeling like this on ANYONE.

I know I wasn’t always like this, and I’m know it’s more debilitating some days more than others. I have this constant dialogue going through my head and I’m telling myself that I’m OK and I’m safe, trying to reassure myself whenever I’m out. Thankfully my kids learned early on how much it hurt me to be rejected by them in public. They can be upset with me at home and I can realize it’s just “Normal”, but in public it’s like they punched me in the gut, and if it were in front of my Mom, In-Laws or silbings that was the worst!!! I know it is really irrational, but I can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. Maybe being a “good” Mom is the only thing I can say I may have been good at in my life I guess, that’s why it hurts so much.

Maybe enough time will go by someday that I won’t “Spaz out” when I’m around my Sister, and Brothers, but I am not counting on it. The feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, and worthlessness just get so bad that I just try too hard and over compensate with humor or talking or smiling or anything that just makes me seem to be a spaz.  Also, I’m actually finally after almost 25yrs, being able to say I “think” my In-Laws really care about me, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to fill the comfort of “knowing” that they do.

I may have been born with the “Hypersensitivity to Rejection/criticism” which then spirals all this other stuff on the list out of control.  I know when I was younger though I was always very open and trusting  of others.  Sometimes I think I still am, but for any “close” relationships there is always this underlying distrust that they will eventually not care for me, and/or I will eventually disappoint them in some way.

I feel so torn because there is a part of me that craves social interaction, but I’m now so distrustful of others that I’m practically agoraphobic if I attempt to go out without either one of the kids or Patrick.  When I have to go out alone somewhere I am totally having to psych myself up for it. I can go to the bank now no problem and KOP meetings since I feel like there are “Safe” faces there, but I am not able to go as far as to think they care about me or would look out for me. It’s really difficult to get out of the house, but once I’m there I’m pretty much fine. I honestly don’t know how I would cope if something were to go terribly wrong though.

I honestly feel I am way better friend to others by staying out of their lives and that if people really wanted me in their lives they wouldn’t let me just hide. I can see how totally unfair that is to think that way about others, but it’s the way my thoughts work.

According to this article they aren’t sure exactly what causes this disorder, but I think it’s just life, and never really learning how to deal with criticism, bullying and negativity in a healthy way. I don’t know.

One bright side now though is by reading these articles that sort of define what’s going on with me helps me realize that there must be many other people that have felt this way too. I’m not alone, and I need to do what needs to be done to get better.  I think a big turning point for me was Timothy coming home for “Mother’s Day”, I don’t think he started out coming down here for that reason, but heck he rode all the way down to Edmonds and got here and it all just made me feel “Worth It!” that I am loved and appreciated and crazy for thinking anything else.

Some days are easier then others to believe the “good stuff”. I guess this is where choice comes in, I need to do whatever it takes to CHOOSE the good stuff every time, not just after something profound happens that is undeniable.

I am loved, and worth being loved. I wish I knew why it was so hard to believe that statement!!!!!!! It’s so easy to believe the negative stuff.

Goodnight Moon, it was good talking to you, I’m not sure if I should be hoping to talk with you more often or not. haha Anyway, good stuff can go in this dialogue to you not just the crap I suppose.

Thank you for always listening Moon. Haha

Sharolyn

Dear Moon, 

I guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead which will probably be sooner then later?  I know I don’t always eat well, and I need to have more activity, but THIS! This is my biggest issue with my weight I think. It causes my stress level to increase and cortisol which adds to belly fat from what I’ve read. Basically it’s not healthy to not get enough sleep, also I think it contributes to my mood being down and my energy level to want to be active. 

Somewhere over the years I acquired this “ANXIETY” about going to bed, I have to be literally exhausted to get myself to get in bed and sleep. Just thinking about going to bed at 9:30pm makes me feel uneasy and I don’t understand why. None of the reasons I used to stay awake at night apply anymore.  The kids aren’t little and waking me up in the middle night (Clarissa was doing this until about 10yrs), Patrick is no longer going out to Sea, and there are no longer drug deals going on in the ally out in front of my home and creepy people living down the street. We have a fence and security system. We moved our bedroom from downstairs to upstairs and I thought that would help since it seemed like the room wouldn’t have the negative memories attached to it, but it hasn’t.

I can remember when I LOVED sleep, I would go get in bed because it was so comfortable and I could sleep for like 12hrs if I wanted to, but that was before kids. Also, when Patrick was out to Sea I’d go to bed and miss him and cry and be ANGRY for him being gone so much. He’d come home and I’d be sick with a cold or something and sleep but it was more like my body  had permission to sleep because he was home. I don’t know. There isn’t any problem like that anymore.

There is absolutely no reason I couldn’t go to bed at 9:30pm every night!!!  I just feel like I’d be missing something I guess, or that we aren’t safe and I need to be “On Guard”, I don’t know!!   It’s habit partially I guess. I’m glad I’ve been remembering to keep track of it thanks to the FitBit. I’ve tried fixing my sleep before, but something always happens to drag it back out again. 2am – 4am seems to be my bedtime and it’s just not healthy especially if I have to be up early for some reason.

Anyway, i’m going to work on moving my bedtime closer to the 9:30pm mark. Midnight will be my first goal. 😛

Hello Moon!,

It’s been awhile since I posted which I figure is a good thing.  I’m not really down or being too “thoughtful”, just stressed and worried and excited all at the same time!!  At the moment I’m waiting for Paavo to be done with surgery. I should get a call soon I hope. They said he’d go in at 9:30pm. He had a lump on his chest that got sore, we hadn’t ever noticed it until it got all scabbed over a week ago. We watched it then it started seeming to be larger, and then we thought we better do some warm compresses and hydrogen peroxide since he’d come in from being outside and had dirt in it. He’s such a lower rider. 😛  We leave soon for a week to California and just didn’t feel it could go any longer so I was able to get him into the vet and she said the cleanest, least amount of upkeep way to take care of it would be to just remove the lump completely, and when we started discussing his behavior I told her he wasn’t fixed yet and she said. “OH! i can do that quick too.” So, he’s in have three lumps removed. 😛  I’m nervous for him. I hope she is right and everything goes well and he’ll be mostly on the mend by the time we leave. We have a wonderful guy coming to house/dog/cat sit for us so I know Paavo will be in good hands. Anyway, Just stressed me out all day, well except for the hour Patrick & I were at Massage Envy getting a massage. 😛 hehe

I’m so excited to see my Mom & (Step) Dad, Sister, Brother, Rochelle &  meet my niece Addison!  Sooo many other family that won’t be there that I wish could be but can’t. It’s been so long since I’ve seem many of my family members. Anyway, I’m just excited, but I’m also kind of sad because I know I’ll miss them more after we have to say good bye. It’s crazy the way my mind works sometimes!! So, I’m determined to just be excited, have fun and enjoy my family.

Also Patrick’s birthday is Saturday and we’ll be taking the kids to Disneyland for his birthday for three days. I’ve never seen California Adventure so really looking forward to that!

Goodnight Moon

Dear Moon,

I just had this “Light Bulb” moment where it just FINALLY sunk in!!! I posted this to my FB page.

“I think I’ve been trying, and failing over and over to “fix” me my whole life. I think it’s time to just realize I’m not broken!!! I have some bad habits that need to be changed, but I’m a good person and not a mistake and I don’t need to be fixed.”

I’m NOT BROKEN!! I was feeling pretty great there for a bit, and now I’m thinking. WHY DID IT TAKE ME SOOOOO LONG!!! 😀 I wasted sooo much time trying to “FIX” me.  OK it wasn’t wasted time!! It was learning time right? I’m a better person and now I FINALLY know. Then there are the thoughts…”but what if I forget?”

Oh this is funny! I had tried printing the statement from my phone to the printer from my bed upstairs and the printer is downstairs. I scared LYDIA! hehe She wasn’t sure what the sound was and she came up and was like all freaked out in a giggly way! haha  So I told her about what I posted and she even said. “Good, now don’t forget!”.

So I’m hoping that I won’t, this feels different somehow. I’ve felt pretty good about myself before when I was believing what someone else was saying that I was ok, but this time…THIS time I KNOW IT! Lately, I’ve been thinking about my Dad a lot since he passed 5/16/2013 and with Grandma Buck passing on 5/17/2014 I’ve thought about how “embarrassing” my life must be to them, and especially Grandma Buck now that she could maybe see it now she’s died.  I’ve just wondered if she’s disappointed in the way I’ve reacted to the hardships in my life. I know I “should” have been stronger and reacted better to many things. She always struck me as a no nonsense, strong, get stuff done type of woman. I just was feeling pretty weak and silly and just stupid the past several days, but since Grandma’s funeral there’s been this perpetual underlying current that’s been there sort of buzzing along side my negative thoughts…”You are you and that’s OK.” And the word OK isn’t exactly the right word, I need a word that would mean: … “No one else is YOU and you are here to be YOU, so don’t change, all those things other people have gotten after you for: your TOO friendly, your TOO nice, your TOO needy, etc… (The obvious one I’d hear was “Too Fat” but I think that it isn’t healthy so I think that one is correct about me that I am too fat, but that isn’t WHO I AM!, that is just a bad habit or lifestyle habit that needs to be changed, but it isn’t something fundamentally WRONG with me!!), I’m TOO open minded, I’m TOO closed minded, I’m TOO OPEN, I’m TOO messy, I leave a trail everywhere I go. It’s just ME and that’s OK!

I FINALLY GOT IT!! I was just about to go to sleep too. Haha Now I’m into one of my bad habits of not taking care of me and getting enough sleep! I’m all amped up and feeling happy! I just wanted to write this all down while it was going through my mind and heart and changing me for the better.

I suspect there might be some emotional push back if I run into someone pointing out one of my “Supposed flaws”, but I’ll deal with that when it happens. I might change some things eventually, but it will be because “I” think it’s important to change it to be “The Woman I want to be”.

That reminded me of a talk I had AT the girls a few weeks back about choosing to cuss or not, or wear certain outfits or not, just choices… “What kind of Woman do you want to be!?” Clarissa put it back at me a few days later when I said or did something, which was great. I knew she was listening. Lol

Anyway, going to go to sleep now! Goodnight Moon!

Dear Moon,

Being reflective/emotional yet hopeful: ~

Ever since 2005 (Yes it’s been 9 years!!) when I had my “Break Down” and had to spend a weekend in the mental health ward at Harrison Hospital (the “Funny Farm” the kids called it).  I’d never been more alone in my entire life, and I hope I never am again.  Having three kids on my own with no help or anyone to give me a break from time to time and Patrick out to Sea and disappointment after disappointment which is “Military Life” in a nut shell, I had that last straw moment when I made the mistake of planning and looking forward to Patrick being home and then the Navy changing life on us for the 100th time. Not having ANYONE for a support system at the time I called 911, and thankfully a lady from church was able to take my kids and I got some help.

To this day I grieve who I used to be, and I feel guilty most days for not being able to just be the “Sunshine” seeing the bright side of everything, and not being present in my life emotionally like I used to be like 20 years ago. I used to draw, and play piano, & cross stitch and be creative…and be Happy.  I’m here physically, but it’s really hard to feel like trusting anyone, or anything.

Shit happens, I KNOW that my experience wasn’t unique, but I feel guilty that my reaction to my situation seemed very weak and that I still remain “broken”.   It’s been almost TEN YEARS already I know I should be able to just “Snap” out of it and be OK…!!   I heard this song a few weeks ago and it seemed to illustrate a lot of how I feel, and that I need to just “Fake it till I make it” maybe and make a daily effort to see colors again like in this song and just be thankful for everything and realize I’ll NEVER be in that “Military Life” situation again, maybe I had/have PTSD??  If I were to be in that type of situation again, I have a wonderful support group of people I could count on if I needed help, especially my sweet hubby Patrick who isn’t going anywhere, I can even call him at work and chit chat with him daily now, not have to call a command and get permission to talk with if, or wait until he’s in port or whatever.  Ugh… Anyway, LET IT GO>>> Letting it go… It was really crappy, but it’s not the case anymore.  Anyway, I’ve got to get going.

“Colorblind”
When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain
You take a little piece of me
Every time you leave
I don’t think that I’ll ever find that silver lining
Or reason to smile

[Chorus]
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Ain’t it funny that you managed
To just wash away
Even pictures that you’re not in
Have started to fade
I tried to play my favorite songs
But I can’t sing along
The words don’t feel the same
You’ve taken all the best things from me
And thrown them away

[Bridge]
I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken

[Chorus]
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart get so full of the never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind

Dear Moon,

Well, lately I have been seeing much less of you and it’s not only because of the clouds.  As you know for the past several years, about ten at least, I would stay awake all night most nights “drunk” on TV shows, computer games, books, etc… Anything that would numb me to feeling feelings I didn’t know how to deal with like loneliness, anger, disappointment, sadness, regret, abandonment, helplessness and many others I hadn’t learned to deal with in a healthy way until just the past year or so.  A side “benefit” I think was that if I seemed “out of it” during the day I could always blame my lack of sleep from being up all night.  My days would consist of staying up until approximately 7am take the kids to school come home and sleep until 2pm when it was time to go pick up the kids from school.  That’s pretty much how it had been going off and on for many years!

I’ve come to the conclusion that Depression is an “illness” that is somewhat like being an alcoholic is an “illness”, once you have been depressed you can more easily slip back into it, you are ALWAYS depressed. The doctors think they can “Fix” it with drugs and counseling, but I think for the majority of people it’s a day to day “battle”.  Tools that help are having people to love and be loved by, finding healthy ways to get out of your own head, consciously being thankful for all that you have, and  Faith can be a great tool that brings the “light into dark places”, a belief in God and his blessings. Some very practical tools like getting enough sleep, keeping blood sugar at an even level, and exercise min of 10 min a day can help too.

So, after these past Holidays when I stayed up ALL night and slept most of the days away.  The guilt of feeling so out of it and then with the feelings of regret, stupidity, and defeat, I made the resolution that I would “Become the Early Bird” and I am going to break out of this prison of my own making. This past week I have FINALLY realized that I had better start owning that I have a problem, just like an alcoholic must and I decided that sleeping during the day is off limits for me for now, not even a nap! Like that sip of alcohol for an alcoholic! So I have been doing this one day at a time! I go to bed around 8:30 – 9pm and I get up around 5:30am.  Last night was the first night I actually slept all the way through. It’s strange to feel the “haze” starting to slip away, the fear and anxiety I had about “facing the day” is ebbing away and I’m starting to realize being awake isn’t so bad after all.

I have been confronted by feelings from time to time this past week and I turn to my old habits and I watch TV, read books, and play video games, but I’m not sleeping during the day. This past week I conquered the night, this week I’m going to start choosing to “live” the day to day.  I need to realize what I WANT to do each day, not just wait around until someone needs me to pick them up or wash their dishes, wash their clothes or cook them a meal. I am going to WANT to do those things not “should on myself” that I “Should” do them. I’ve talked about that in previous posts before, the power of using the word Want over Should.  I’m going to work on breaking my old habits and choosing new ones that are beneficial.

Anyway, I know I’ve attempted this before! This time feels different though.  Previously I always came into it with a fear of failure and that I wouldn’t be able to do it. This time I came in already defeated!!! I know I have a problem. This time I’m taking this on One Day At a Time! “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

I checked online to see “how long does it take to switch from Night shift to day shift?” and people said between five weeks and three months.  I am hoping for the five weeks! It’s 6pm and it feels like it is close to 9pm. Lol My internal clock is REALLY out of whack, but I’m doing this for me! I want to feel well. I would say “I want to feel well AGAIN”, but honestly I don’t remember ever feeling well. I have memories of happy times and having such a wonderful positive outlook on life that I was nicknamed Sunshine, but I honestly do not remember how that feels.

I am accepting the things I can not change and taking the courage to change what I can TODAY.  I will deal with tomorrow then and yesterday honestly doesn’t matter anymore.

Until next time Moon

Dear Moon,

I found this while looking through files on my computer. It is a copy of a letter I found on my computer that I wrote to my Dad back in 2000. I don’t know if I ever sent it actually. That was a really crazy time for me. Literally actually! I was on depression medication and things were just really difficult.  I really hope my Dad knew I loved him and thought of him. I guess if he didn’t know then he knows now. I love how this gives me info about the kids and what was going on at the time and it seems pretty “Happy” which was rare for that time.

September 10, 2000

Dear Dad,

I just wanted to write to you and let you know I was thinking about you.  I haven’t written before I don’t think, and I figured it was about time I did.  Also, I wanted to send you some current pictures of the kids.  I haven’t sent any of those in a while either.

We are all doing fine here.  Timothy just started 1^st grade and really likes his teacher Mrs. McDonald.  He is really pretty smart and he seems to enjoy school.  He will be 7 on March 1^st.  Over the Summer we were able to take the training wheels off his bike and he just buzzes around now.

Lydia is getting to be so grown up looking.  She has lost all the baby-ness in her face and she is starting to enjoy me putting “pretties” in her hair.  She never would let me put any ponytails or clips in her hair unless I bribed her.  We have been debating about putting her into pre-school, but I figure she is still a little to young for that.  She will be 4 on January 26^th.

Clarissa is changing so quickly.  She does her best at running, which actually isn’t too good, but she looks really cute trying to run really fast, especially when I am chasing her. She still has the baby face look with the chubby cheeks and tubby tummy and legs.  I suspect in the next few months here she will be loosing a lot of her baby attributes.  She is in the stage where she is getting into EVERYTHING she can.  She usually starts her day in going into my bathroom and pulling what ever she can find off of the counter, than she heads for the pantry and starts to pull all the cans off the shelves, than she heads into the kitchen and starts pulling things out of the junk drawer (which is actually really dangerous), and  than she usually ends up pulling anything she can reach off the kitchen counter which is usually cereal bowls that are quarter of the way full of milk that Timothy & Lydia didn’t finish off their cereal, and she does all that in about 15min.  Ha ha ha

I am not sure what pictures I am going to enclose in this letter, but I will try and find fairly recent ones and I will write what information I can remember about the photo on the back of each one.

Patrick is up for orders next year and we are getting pretty excited.  We are hoping that he will be able to get Washington State again.  We really liked it up there and hope to settle there someday.  He made the Chief’s selection board again this time, but didn’t get picked.  Maybe next year it will be his turn.  He has just over 14 years in the Navy now.  WOW…I can’t believe it has been 14 years.  We have been married for 10 of it, which is such a shocker.

I have been doing odd jobs setting up computers and doing some computer training on the side to help ends meet.  I just started baby-sitting a 3mos old baby girl named Natalie she is REALLY cute.  She looks like she could be my baby more than my own babies do.  She has dark hair like me, where all of mine have blonde.  I baby-sit her on Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri, and get $40 a day.  It should help tremendously with the bills and things.  Her Mother, Laura, is a second grade teacher at Timothy’s school, so I will have the same breaks as Timothy does, which is really nice.

How have you been?  How is little Alex your doggy?  Are you still able to keep in contact with Elsie?  Tell her Hi from me if you do see her.  I really think she was really wonderful to us kids.  Have you heard from Sam, Susan or Stuart lately?  I haven’t talked with anyone for about a month now.  Kristine’s birthday is on the 17^th so I should try and remember to get something in the mail to her.  Have you struck gold yet?  Last time we talked you sounded like you were really close.  I have been talking with Patrick about trying to set up some weekend that we could come out and stay with you.  I think the last time you were able to see Timothy he was 2 or 3 years old, and I don’t believe you have ever met Lydia or Clarissa, which is really sad.  You are there Grandpa and I want to make every effort for the kids to meet you and get to know you.  Now that I have this babysitting money coming in it should be possible for us to maybe afford coming out there.  Money has been really tight.  We are currently using the Bishop Store House for most all of our groceries.   I know it is hard for you to get around these days so we have been trying to figure out how to get out there to see you.  Hopefully we can do it soon.  I will have to let you know how things go.

Well, I better wrap this up.  This letter is about 4 pages long now and probably won’t fit in the envelope.  Ha ha ha.  I just mainly wanted to let you know I love you and you are on my mind often.  I hope that you are doing well.

Love always,

I guess I better get back to finding the “Printable” Christmas labels I was originally looking for. hehe

Merry Christmas EVE!