It’s been awhile…

Dear Moon,

Well, I was just realizing that it has been awhile since I posted anything here. That is possibly a good thing I guess since much of what I’ve written you before has been kind of a downer. Although the last thing I wrote about the Drama Mama, has all blown over. I even made up with my brother!

The past several months have gone pretty ok. Still struggling to get out of the big black whole of unemployment, debt, and there just never being enough money to actual doing anything other than just the bare minimum. For Christmas it was awesome that Patrick had two weeks off from work and we were all home together as a family, but it really sort of sucked that we didn’t have any money to actually go do anything. Hehe We did get some AMC cards as gifts and were able to go to the movies, and my Mom had sent us a check that paid for us to see the Hobbit! So we did get to go see some movies we wouldn’t have been able to see any other way.

I guess it comes down to what Patrick says. “I work too hard to be THIS poor!” I know we have a lot, but we also have A LOT of bills for what we got. I am so thankful for all that we have, and I know we aren’t the only ones struggling. If I could just get a job it would help I think, but the peace of mind of being available for the kids is priceless to Patrick and I. I’m not sure about the kids, but I think there is a point of security that comes with knowing someone is available if they need it. Maybe it’s so important to us since the kids grew up with so much uncertinty, which I guess comes with the territory of being a Military child. I don’t know.

I would like to get a job so I could get out of this house and the loanliness that comes with being alone much of the day. I just don’t have any references to anything that I had worked at before, I do not have any schooling really, and I don’t want to work fast food. Hehe Seems to be that most all companies want you to at least have an associates degree, but I don’t have that. Maybe I could try doing school again. Still, I’m not sure what I would take and what degree I would get. Probably something in computers, or maybe child care. Until then, I still would like to get a routine down, get organized, and just be happy with being an awesome homemaker, but seems to be that I’m just not quite there YET! ūüėÄ I’ll keep working on it though.

Sharolyn

I really liked what I said here.

I¬† don’t care about his TAX RETURNS but I care about this Country!! and¬† you can stick it where the sun don’t shine if you think I don’t!!!¬† Omgosh…Wow, this was actually fun to have a debate, but now you’re¬† suggesting that I MUST be stupid, and a¬† republican loving, religious freak, and a racist????!!!!??!?? because I¬† am not an OBAMA LOVER, that the ONLY reason I would want to vote for¬† Mitt Romney is because he’s republican, a Mormon, or white???¬† SERIOUSLY!!! That is just shitty! Just because I don’t agree with Obama¬† doesn’t make me any of those things. Someone has done a number on you,¬† what are you reading anyway? Sheez…

I am voting for Romney¬† because he has proven that he can lead, he can work on both sides of the¬† isle and get things done. He turned Massachusetts around and even did¬† things that were more in the middle of the road than full on republican¬† there. Just as you said about George Washington. We need someone that¬† isn’t going to be playing the party lines, but doing what is GOOD FOR¬† AMERICA, not their party!!!!!

As far as him being Mormon, I¬† KNOW that they are known for their high standards, nothing in Mormonism¬† makes him evil like a serial killer or a terrorist, for the most part he¬† believes in Jesus Christ and whatever else will be sorted out with God,¬† and he won’t be pushing it on to Americans. One of the Mormons beliefs¬† is “We claim the privlege of worshiping Almighty God according to the¬† dictates of our own conscience and allow all men the same privilege. Let¬† them worship how, where or what they may.”… I don’t see why people¬† are so hateful of Mormons, that isn’t very christian of them.

Also, this country is a CAPITALIST Economy, for it to work you need to¬† know how to work in it or with it. When the heck did making money become¬† a bad deal. Don’t Democrats understand that if there aren’t people¬† doing well in the Economy there would have to be less government¬† because there wouldn’t be enough tax dollars to pay for everything?¬† Oh¬† wait could just take out a loan right. TRILLIONS in debt… So maybe we¬† aren’t a capitalist economy anymore we are a failed economy.

Bain Capital comes in when a company is about to fail, go bankrupt.

“That’s what they do, look for the vulnerable company to snatch up at a¬† bargain price. Then they need to decide what’s in the companies best¬† interest. Rip it up and sell off the pieces or try to save it because in¬† the long run it will make them even more money. Their responsibility is¬† to their stock holders, and they act accordingly. Under thirty percent¬† of the time they have to sell it off. Those are the stories you hear¬† about. Some of them they tried to save but couldn’t for whatever reason.¬† Much like that steel company we used to hear about so often. They¬† bought four of them at that time period and were able to not only save¬† three, but expand their business. The fourth they couldn’t and there are¬† a bunch or reasons for that. Over seventy percent of the time they are¬† able to save and grow the business.”

Also, as I see it, with¬† the Trillions in deficit we could look at America as a failing economy.¬† I can’t see anyone else better suited to come in and turn it around.¬† Seriously!¬† His ability to not just stay hunkered down in party politics¬† is I think one of his better assets too. He will help make it happen.

Do you seriously think that Bain Capital is the only company that is¬† sending jobs over seas? Most all customer service jobs have been sent to India call centers. That’s how I lost my job several years ago was the¬† call center moved from here to back east, technology out outsourced my¬† job. I’m not going to blame anyone, I’m going to get a different job!¬†¬† Also, the government doesn’t want companies taking jobs overseas than¬† maybe have tax incentives for the money to be made here. 15% of¬† $21million dollars is a heck of a lot more than 15% of $50k…What the¬† heck is the problem.¬† Why should someone making $21million have to pay¬† 30% or more in income tax??? I DON’T understand that.

After¬† reading the Wikia I honestly don’t think that Mitt is all about the¬† money. He is willing to give to others and help because he KNOWS he can¬† do a good job!!

Drama MAMA

Dear Moon,

What a day… seems to have been one of the longest days EVER…I am the Drama MAMA today I guess.

  • Cried and fought with my brother
  • Cried some more about my dog Shadows death
  • Cried and fought with my husband
  • Had words with Timothy
  • Got into a tiff with Lydia
  • Cried again about missing Shadow

Made up with everyone on the list except for my brother.¬† I did send a long message though, which might patch things up and might not, I know so little about him now that it might make things worse.¬† Also, I did enjoy walking with Mindy at the track.¬† After the tiff with Lydia, I really enjoyed talking with Lydia. I have always enjoyed spending time with Timothy even though like now,¬† we aren’t really saying anything, just sitting a few feet apart at two separate computers. I think I’ll poke him in the arm and make him wonder what that was about.¬† Lol¬† It’s after 2am I NEED to sleep!

Haha I poked him and he said…”What?” and I said “Nothin”.¬† Lol!!

Goodnight Moon hopefully later today (since it’s already tomorrow) will have a lot less tears…

Procrastination (I hope I spelled that right!)

Dear Moon,

Well, I am a serious procrastinator and I guess I always agreed with those around me that just said I was laZy (get that capital Z in there…Haha) Anyway, I got this book called “The Now Habit” and it has been eye opening. ¬†One of the reasons it gives for people procrastinating is to “Stick it to the Man!” so to speak. ¬†I was reading about how it can be something people do out of extreme resentment or feeling like they have no control over their life. ¬†

Well, a little while ago I was on Pinterest and it sort of all hit me when I saw this photo.
Image 

I was sitting here almost 4am!! Again!! Still NOT in bed where I “Should” be. The caption on this photo was basically that the little girl didn’t want her daddy to go and no one had the heart to pull her away from him. I just started crying!! My HEART is breaking because I watched my children’s heart break EVERY TIME Patrick left for a deployment for 6mos, 9mos (When they told us it would only be 1mos!!) or heck the 3wks out every other week or one month out every 3 wks all the dang times he had to leave for Sea trials etc… even before they left for 6 F***ING MONTHS!!! He’s been retired from the navy since 2006!!!! ¬†I should be OVER ALL THIS CRAP shouldn’t I???? How can I be sitting her bawling and ANGRY!!! ¬†I feel so PISSED OFF right now!!! ¬†I COULD NOT DO ANYTHING TO BRING BACK THE ONE THING that would make my children happy in this world!!! I know that Patrick had a job to do, but it was some kind of torture to watch the kids go through that pain over and over again. I know I wasn’t the best sailors wife as far as coping well with the downside, but I did do my best. I guess I never¬†realized¬†how angry I was about it until now. ¬†Maybe I was a better sailors wife than I thought? I kept it all packed down deep inside. Not a good coping¬†technique!!¬†

Well, I feel better now a little getting it out though. 

I miss my Mom

Dear Moon,

Image

This is a picture of my Mom holding Lydia back in 1999 the day Clarissa was born.

I wish she didn’t have cancer and immune issues so she could travel!
I wish we had the money to go and visit her!! And go to Arizona and visit my Dad. ¬†(They are both in their 80’s and not in good health. ¬†Dad goes to Dialisys 3 times a week, and my Mom is getting pretty tired most of the time.)
I wish the economy hadn’t tanked and Patrick hadn’t lost his job!!

I am angry that the choices I’ve made in my life have made it so that I haven’t been able to see my Mom and my kids haven’t been able to be held by her. I say choices because I’m trying to ¬†excert some control and/or responsibility in my life as to why things are the way they are. I am so angry most all the time, but I don’t show it outwardly. ¬†I don’t even think I recognize it most of the time accept like now, it’s quiet and I don’t have any distractions. ¬†I had a good nights sleep (rare) and I’m just being reflective I guess. ¬†I remember that I used to be angry about Patrick being gone all the time and all the Navy life CRAP. ¬†I am thankful that is all over, so I guess I should be getting better now that it’s down to mainly one thing? ¬†haha

Anger turned inward = Depression. I need to learn how to properly feel and release anger. I don’t know why I don’t seem to “get it”. ¬†I am ANGRY!!! ¬†= Disappointed, Frustrated and Sad. ¬†What are “proper” ways of dealing with anger? ¬†I remember parents fighting All The Time… Divorces, Drunk step dad yelling, Freaky step dad yelling, MOM Yelling… Most of the adults in my life growing up were just not happy I don’t think. ¬†My Aunt Elaine was mostly happy I think. ¬†I know my Mom was doing the best she could with 4 kids etc…, but still this is just the way it was and I didn’t learn how to deal with anger properly. ¬†So how do I fix it now??

Anyway, I do feel a little better just actually recognizing it. ¬†I just would REALLY like things to go well for awhile. ¬†I know I’m thankful that my family and I are healthy, the kids are happy, Patrick is working, I’m able to be there for the kids and work in our home. ¬†It’s just that $$$$ has been such a big issue since Patrick retired in 2006. ¬†Patrick has been offered a job at PSNS and he and I are both to wary to be excited about it. ¬†Sucks that “life” has disappointed us over and over again sooo much that neither of us is able to feel “Positive” about anything good that is coming our way.

Well, I usually write at night when the Moon is up. ūüėÄ ¬†Oh well, the Moon is up somewhere.

Lost…

Dear Moon,

I just feel lost these days. ¬†The girls and I went to WinCo the other night and Lydia looks at me out of the blue and ask me, why are you sad? ¬†I told her I didn’t even realize I was, and I didn’t really know why. ¬†Stress mostly I guess about Money and lack there of, and loneliness. ¬† I am sad so often now I guess I don’t even notice it anymore it’s just the way I am now? ¬†I guess it’s just summed up with Depression, but it’s just so dang frustrating because I WANT to be happy, but I guess I’ve forgotten how to REALLY be happy. ¬† ¬†Also, I think it has to do with spirituality too. ¬† A large part I’m sure since we do not go to church anymore, we don’t have any kind of spiritual family time either. ¬†Ughh…I don’t even know why I’m writing to you tonight. ¬†I don’t feel like this is going to help this time. ¬†Usually I start feeling better right away. ¬†I just feel LOST! ¬†I am lonely and insecure mainly. ¬†I miss having the comfort and security of a friend I could depend on through rain or shine. ¬†I have that with Patrick, but still it would be nice to have a girl friend too. ¬†Most all my “friends” have moved away. ¬†I have people I’m¬†acquainted¬†with here, but no one that I could just call and say “I REALLY need to talk, I’m just feeling so crappy.” ¬† I miss being there to help out a friend too, to listen to their stuff and help them realize they aren’t alone in the world. ¬†I actually prefer that role I think, to BE the friend rather than depend on a friend. ¬†I just haven’t had many people I could depend on in my life so it takes some serious trust to put myself out there and depend on a person. ¬†Actually it isn’t so much about trust I guess, but I just figure I’ll bother someone else. ¬†I just can’t see how what I think and feel would be important to someone else, well other than my kids and Patrick. ¬†I wish someone would just call me and say “Hey Sharolyn, you want to hang out?” but I know everyone is busy with their friends and family, and who the heck would want to hang out with someone that is a big “Eeyore” these days.

“Oh Bother…” ¬†Maybe this feeling is part of the “Change” hormonal stuff? ¬†I figured I’d have a few more years before that kicked in though. ¬†Maybe if I list some of the stuff that’s on my mind it will just help me to let things go?

  • I haven’t been able to see my Mom or Dad since 2005
  • Elsie’s suicide and not ever being able to say Goodbye and that she was such a good women and I admired her so much for loving us Kids even though we weren’t her own.
  • Knowing that my Mom having cancer and her health issues, and my Dad with his renal failure and dialysis means that I might run out of time being able to save up to go see them.
  • My Dog Shadow who’s been my companion through it all for 12yrs+ has tumors back again and is really getting uncomfortable and I’ll have to say goodbye soon.
  • I’m stressed about Money issues and possible job loss for Patrick again, and my having to decide about being torn between getting a job and not being able to be there for my kids as often.
  • Still feeling like a screw up because I haven’t gotten a routine down even though¬†Patrick’s¬†been retired from the “Navy Life” for over FIVE YEARS and isn’t going anywhere.
  • The usual crap that goes on in my head about how worthless I am which I wish I could figure out how to turn off or¬†conquer¬†in some way.

Well, I guess I feel a little better getting that out here. *Shrugs* I better get to bed, it’s almost 2am.

Goodnight Moon

An odd truth….

Dear Moon,

Isn’t it strange how a “tragedy” makes you end up closer and more conscience of keeping contact with your loved ones? ¬†Yesterday when my Step mother chose the way she wanted to die rather then suffering through cancer until her death it was heart breaking but I had contact with most all of my family yesterday and today. ¬†I haven’t talked with my older brother Sam, but I believe he’s pretty busy and the time difference is 3hrs I think, so makes it more complicated as to when I can call him. ¬†I hope he is doing well though.

I enjoyed talking with my siblings so much! ¬†I think I try and stuff the feelings away of missing people and not being able to see my family rather then just feel them and call them. Like for instance, if Timothy does something that reminds me of Stuart I would just sort of stuff away the fact that I miss Stuart, the guilt of not going to see him, Kristine and the kids, and I just work on getting distracted so I don’t have to feel it. Or I will even work it out in my mind that he doesn’t really want to hear from me anyway. ¬†All this goes on in my mind in just a few seconds or minutes. All these “coping skills” that I created through the years to deal with loss, disappointment, distance,¬†loneliness, anger, guilt, etc… They aren’t healthy skills, or even appropriate skills, but they are what I know and am comfortable with. I need to learn how to deal with emotions appropriately, heck even just¬†acknowledging¬†the feeling dealing with it and moving on seems daunting, but I think that is what most people do.

Anyway, I am sad that my Step Mom had to suffer so much that she got to the point of having to choose to die the way she did, but I am so thankful that she is no longer suffering. She has moved on to a new wonderful place where there is no cancer or suffering and she can be free. I am so thankful that I was able to talk with my siblings especially since I’d felt so down and alone the past couple months. Patrick working and going to school pretty much leaves me with hanging out with the kids and just chit chat¬†occasionally¬†with Patrick here and there. I hope that I can just use this experience to realize I need to just call my siblings and parents ANYTIME, stop over thinking EVERYTHING and just realize that they love me and are happy to talk with me too. If they can’t talk or don’t feel like it they will just let it go to voice mail.

Goodnight

Loss…

Dearest Moon,

Would you please say hello to my X-step Mom Elsie for me and tell her that I love her and she will always have a special place in my heart and who I am.  Today I found out that Elsie committed suicide. She was dying of cancer, so I am assuming this was her way of taking control and dying on her terms rather than suffering until her death. It still made me cry.  She was always so good to me and kind.  I always felt cared for and welcome by her.  She taught me to play solitaire even!  When her and my Dad got divorced I was sad since it pretty much made it difficult to feel like I could contact her if i wanted to.

I talked with my Dad and he is understandably sad. ¬†He had followed Elsie to Arizona even though they were divorced they remained friends I believe. He said she was suffering so it’s understandable that she would take her life. I just wish I could have had some type of contact with her, at least to tell her that she was good influence on my life and that I cared about her. ¬†

I’m angry that we never have any money for me to visit my parents! ¬†I just remind myself though that I’m a late in life baby, and that it is difficult to be in the midst of raising my family and providing what they need and then having to get to parents that are in their 80’s and being ravaged by old age and the ailments that go with it. My Dad is 84 and goes to dialisis 2 – 3 times a week since his kidneys have stopped working, and my Mom will be 82 this year and has Multiple Myeloma¬†cancer, Giant Cell Arteritis, High blood¬†pressure, and a kidney that has failed, and pain in her hands among other things. ¬†I want to help them, I want to be there for them, but they are in Arizona and California and I’m all the way up here in Washington. It’s just so dang frustrating!! ¬†¬†

I’m torn between being the stay at home “constant” that my kids have come to rely on and that I for the most part am comforted to know I can be for them thanks to my wonderful husband Patrick, and the fact that our lives financially would be soooo much easier if I were working too. I remember at one time in our marriage I made more then Patrick did. ¬†Now it’s been 15yrs or so since I had an “Official” job and even though I’ve had resume’s out there and applied to several jobs no one has contacted me to interview at all. ¬†

Ugh…you know what Moon, it’s after 2am and I need to get some sleep! I need to be up in the morning to make the kids lunches and take the kids to school, and then pick them up. ¬†Than take them to Violin lessons and Lydia to Track. ¬†My day is busy and I love that I can be there for my kids. ¬†I just get so torn between where my priorities should lie. ¬†I will write more tomorrow if my heart is still over flowing.¬†

Goodnight Moon. 

Seeing clearer….

Dear Moon,

I am so truly blessed to have my wonderful husband Patrick, my talented and strong willed son Timothy, my wonderfully wise observant Lydia, and my creative outgoing social butterfly Clarissa. I am thankful to my creator and God for all that we are to each other. The good times and the bad. I just have been realizing lately that we have been through so very much over the past 21yrs!! I need to quit worrying about the future and being afraid of “What If’s” and just trust and have faith that God will get us through whatever comes our way.

I feel like I’m getting well, I kept feeling like a failure to be back on the welbutrin, but you know what? I need it and it is making me better so nothing to be ashamed of. Anyway, I’m tired. I’m going to listen to my body and go to bed.

Wondering…

Dear Moon,

Just haven’t been feeling well for a few weeks now emotionally or physically. ¬†I’ve been in a fall “funk” I guess, I don’t know. ¬†I started on the welbutrin about a week ago so that should be helping soon, but until than I figured I should just get some stuff out. ¬†I think part of this is hormonal I don’t know…

My birthday is coming up next week, and I’ve been wondering what is MY point lately. ¬†Where am I going etc… ¬†I figure I need to figure out Where I am before I can figure out Where I’m going. ¬†So sick of dwelling on Where I’ve Been! ¬† Problem I guess I’m running into is that somewhere along the way I lost myself. ¬†Everything has been about What does everyone else needs? ¬†Now I’m in a place where I can ask…What do I need? ¬†What do I want? … and I don’t know.