I guess you would think that not posting in this “journal” since the end of last year has been a good thing, but now that I’m sitting down to actually do it I realize the reason has probably been that I’ve been too “blue” to actually talk to you. A few weeks ago I was reading an article about an Anxiety Disorder that I found a link on my Facebook news feed from “Psychology Today” or “Psychcentral” Facebook pages and thought it really fit with my mental state. Then tonight my sweet wonderful son sent me a link to a very similar article but the symptoms are pretty much exactly where I’m at.
Signs and Symptoms ~
- Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
- Self-imposed social isolation
- Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
- Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
- Feelings of inadequacy
- Severe low self-esteem
- Mistrust of others
- Emotional distancing related to intimacy
- Highly self-conscious
- Self-critical about their problems relating to others
- Problems in occupational functioning
- Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
- Feeling inferior to others
- In some extreme cases, agoraphobia
- Uses fantasy as a form of escapism to interrupt painful thoughts
The fact that he sent me the article just shows me how “profound” my symptoms must be and that I’m not hiding them very well. I guess over the years I fought all the negativity, but over the past maybe 10yrs I have slowly just given into them and taken them to heart and figured I would be safer and happier just hanging out in my house. It really sucks though because I am showing my kids a really unhealthy way to deal with emotions and I don’t know how to fix it now. I wouldn’t wish feeling like this on ANYONE.
I know I wasn’t always like this, and I’m know it’s more debilitating some days more than others. I have this constant dialogue going through my head and I’m telling myself that I’m OK and I’m safe, trying to reassure myself whenever I’m out. Thankfully my kids learned early on how much it hurt me to be rejected by them in public. They can be upset with me at home and I can realize it’s just “Normal”, but in public it’s like they punched me in the gut, and if it were in front of my Mom, In-Laws or silbings that was the worst!!! I know it is really irrational, but I can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. Maybe being a “good” Mom is the only thing I can say I may have been good at in my life I guess, that’s why it hurts so much.
Maybe enough time will go by someday that I won’t “Spaz out” when I’m around my Sister, and Brothers, but I am not counting on it. The feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, and worthlessness just get so bad that I just try too hard and over compensate with humor or talking or smiling or anything that just makes me seem to be a spaz. Also, I’m actually finally after almost 25yrs, being able to say I “think” my In-Laws really care about me, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to fill the comfort of “knowing” that they do.
I may have been born with the “Hypersensitivity to Rejection/criticism” which then spirals all this other stuff on the list out of control. I know when I was younger though I was always very open and trusting of others. Sometimes I think I still am, but for any “close” relationships there is always this underlying distrust that they will eventually not care for me, and/or I will eventually disappoint them in some way.
I feel so torn because there is a part of me that craves social interaction, but I’m now so distrustful of others that I’m practically agoraphobic if I attempt to go out without either one of the kids or Patrick. When I have to go out alone somewhere I am totally having to psych myself up for it. I can go to the bank now no problem and KOP meetings since I feel like there are “Safe” faces there, but I am not able to go as far as to think they care about me or would look out for me. It’s really difficult to get out of the house, but once I’m there I’m pretty much fine. I honestly don’t know how I would cope if something were to go terribly wrong though.
I honestly feel I am way better friend to others by staying out of their lives and that if people really wanted me in their lives they wouldn’t let me just hide. I can see how totally unfair that is to think that way about others, but it’s the way my thoughts work.
According to this article they aren’t sure exactly what causes this disorder, but I think it’s just life, and never really learning how to deal with criticism, bullying and negativity in a healthy way. I don’t know.
One bright side now though is by reading these articles that sort of define what’s going on with me helps me realize that there must be many other people that have felt this way too. I’m not alone, and I need to do what needs to be done to get better. I think a big turning point for me was Timothy coming home for “Mother’s Day”, I don’t think he started out coming down here for that reason, but heck he rode all the way down to Edmonds and got here and it all just made me feel “Worth It!” that I am loved and appreciated and crazy for thinking anything else.
Some days are easier then others to believe the “good stuff”. I guess this is where choice comes in, I need to do whatever it takes to CHOOSE the good stuff every time, not just after something profound happens that is undeniable.
I am loved, and worth being loved. I wish I knew why it was so hard to believe that statement!!!!!!! It’s so easy to believe the negative stuff.
Goodnight Moon, it was good talking to you, I’m not sure if I should be hoping to talk with you more often or not. haha Anyway, good stuff can go in this dialogue to you not just the crap I suppose.
Thank you for always listening Moon. Haha