Dear Moon,

Well, lately I have been seeing much less of you and it’s not only because of the clouds.  As you know for the past several years, about ten at least, I would stay awake all night most nights “drunk” on TV shows, computer games, books, etc… Anything that would numb me to feeling feelings I didn’t know how to deal with like loneliness, anger, disappointment, sadness, regret, abandonment, helplessness and many others I hadn’t learned to deal with in a healthy way until just the past year or so.  A side “benefit” I think was that if I seemed “out of it” during the day I could always blame my lack of sleep from being up all night.  My days would consist of staying up until approximately 7am take the kids to school come home and sleep until 2pm when it was time to go pick up the kids from school.  That’s pretty much how it had been going off and on for many years!

I’ve come to the conclusion that Depression is an “illness” that is somewhat like being an alcoholic is an “illness”, once you have been depressed you can more easily slip back into it, you are ALWAYS depressed. The doctors think they can “Fix” it with drugs and counseling, but I think for the majority of people it’s a day to day “battle”.  Tools that help are having people to love and be loved by, finding healthy ways to get out of your own head, consciously being thankful for all that you have, and  Faith can be a great tool that brings the “light into dark places”, a belief in God and his blessings. Some very practical tools like getting enough sleep, keeping blood sugar at an even level, and exercise min of 10 min a day can help too.

So, after these past Holidays when I stayed up ALL night and slept most of the days away.  The guilt of feeling so out of it and then with the feelings of regret, stupidity, and defeat, I made the resolution that I would “Become the Early Bird” and I am going to break out of this prison of my own making. This past week I have FINALLY realized that I had better start owning that I have a problem, just like an alcoholic must and I decided that sleeping during the day is off limits for me for now, not even a nap! Like that sip of alcohol for an alcoholic! So I have been doing this one day at a time! I go to bed around 8:30 – 9pm and I get up around 5:30am.  Last night was the first night I actually slept all the way through. It’s strange to feel the “haze” starting to slip away, the fear and anxiety I had about “facing the day” is ebbing away and I’m starting to realize being awake isn’t so bad after all.

I have been confronted by feelings from time to time this past week and I turn to my old habits and I watch TV, read books, and play video games, but I’m not sleeping during the day. This past week I conquered the night, this week I’m going to start choosing to “live” the day to day.  I need to realize what I WANT to do each day, not just wait around until someone needs me to pick them up or wash their dishes, wash their clothes or cook them a meal. I am going to WANT to do those things not “should on myself” that I “Should” do them. I’ve talked about that in previous posts before, the power of using the word Want over Should.  I’m going to work on breaking my old habits and choosing new ones that are beneficial.

Anyway, I know I’ve attempted this before! This time feels different though.  Previously I always came into it with a fear of failure and that I wouldn’t be able to do it. This time I came in already defeated!!! I know I have a problem. This time I’m taking this on One Day At a Time! “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

I checked online to see “how long does it take to switch from Night shift to day shift?” and people said between five weeks and three months.  I am hoping for the five weeks! It’s 6pm and it feels like it is close to 9pm. Lol My internal clock is REALLY out of whack, but I’m doing this for me! I want to feel well. I would say “I want to feel well AGAIN”, but honestly I don’t remember ever feeling well. I have memories of happy times and having such a wonderful positive outlook on life that I was nicknamed Sunshine, but I honestly do not remember how that feels.

I am accepting the things I can not change and taking the courage to change what I can TODAY.  I will deal with tomorrow then and yesterday honestly doesn’t matter anymore.

Until next time Moon