Dear Journal,

Starting to figure out FINALLY why I stay up so late I think. Sort of hit this AM when I was talking with Patrick. Alot of my “bad habits” are coping techniques for dealing with Patrick out to Sea and gone, and this is one of them, but why do I keep it up now? Well, since Patrick retired we’ve had to figure out how to work together and we don’t really work “Together” either he does stuff or I do stuff. I think it’s my way of keeping that separation, the out to Sea thing going because it was the way we lived for most of 16yrs…The thing is it isn’t healthy. I want Patrick and I to be more of Partners, but I know it’s easier for him to just do stuff on his own. Not have to consider me in majority of his decisions. He works, and goes to school, and the rest of his time is spent however he wants to. We don’t plan anything together, but we never really could before anyway.

It’s been almost 4yrs since he retired and I am STILL angry about him staying int he Navy. haha I think I stuffed it away for awhile, but it’s time to just feel it and let it go. Patrick and I’s 20th wedding anniversary is Wednesday (June 9th) and neither of us have anything planned. Partly because we are broke, but partly I think because we need to figure out how to come together and PLAN stuff.

Patrick says he didn’t have any kind of coping things he did for dealing with the separations from the kids and I. He just was able to say ‘There isn’t anything I can do about it so just deal with it and move on.” … I on the other hand fought it every minute of every day. haha Now it’s done!! It’s OVER!! But I am still stuck in places I actually never wanted to be. I don’t know what can fix this, well I know that only I can fix this. It’s funny how this Mental stuff works. It’s like everyone else can see I’m beating my head against a wall, but to me it looks like I’m trying to fix something or change it. Silly…I know.

Ok well, I need to get ready to go. Heading to a Sounders game with sage in a little while. Patrick’s boss has season tickets and we got a couple for tonight. Weee… Anxiety is kicking in though for leaving the house. Another fun “Bad Habit” I got into when Patrick was out to sea. Agoraphobia? Not sure if that is how it’s spelled. Fear of going outside. Yeah it’s wonderful.

It’s sunny outside and I spent most of today Sleeping… *Bonk*