I found this in my Drafts folder today…Guessing it’s from April

Dear Journal,

This is what’s come up in my emotional vomit for this “Time of the Month” Hormones suck…Ewwwww:

PTA Meeting tonight went pretty well, but the meeting before it about the Title 1 stuff was kind of eye opening, and heart wrenching in someways. I think back about being a kid and how alone I felt so much of the time!! “Broken” home, alcoholic step dad, violence, moving, etc… I mostly remember feeling and hearing that I wasn’t good enough by Family, Teachers, Church, etc…= Fat Slob…

My Mom was so busy with 4 kids and trying to work full time running her own beauty shop. Seems like life revolved around “Classic Hairstyling”, and her relationships. I am sure she did everything she could to take care of us. She made sure that we had clothing, shelter, food, but I don’t remember her sitting with me and reading a book or cuddling to watch TV. I don’t remember being “loved”, but I know she did because I had food, shelter, clothing, she’d do my hair (It would take 4 HOURS to roll it with perm rods after she’d worked all day! or on a saturday after working all week.) and try and help me look more girly. She signed me up for exercise classes, and got me Piano lessons. I just remember her being tired all the time from working such long hours which is completely understandable.

I don’t recall anyone ever being interested in me and taking time to get to know me or hang out with me. No one really said I was important in words and actions. I mostly remember feeling like I was a “Pain in the Ass”. I admit I was pretty annoying when it came to my siblings, but in my defense I think I was looking for attention and to feel accepted in some way. I was wanting to be loved un-conditionally. Even at church I wasn’t going to go to heaven because I wasn’t doing alllllll these things I had to do to get there.

When I am helping out at the kids schools, I look at some of the kids there that have parents that are divorced, the parents much of the time fight and argue as much as when they were married… As a child of divorced parents you are told shitty things about one parent vs the other. I honestly don’t remember my Dad talking bad about my Mom though much actually, just lots of tension/anger when she was brought up. My Mom would complain about my Dad, but than seem to catch herself and than say that he was a “Good Man”.

My Mom says that I was my Dad’s favorite before they divorced. I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” to the point where he pushed my older brother and sister away because I was HIS biological daughter. What’s funny is I grew up and still feel like I don’t belong in my family. (My older brother came up to Washington once when they were thinking of moving out of California to check out places to possibly live.) I don’t know what I could do to change that, but I pretty sure it has to be my fault. Doesn’t it? I think I tend to put it on the FAT, and maybe that’s why I hold on to being this weight. If I were to loose weight and they still didn’t try and contact me and get to know me etc… I’d have to realize that it is me who I am, and not just the Fat. Psycho I know. Haha Another reason being an island seems to be a good idea. I can’t upset anyone, or hurt anyone and I don’t have to be on my guard ALL the time. Wonder why is someone REALLY being nice to me. Funny thing is I put myself out there when we moved here to Bremerton and I set myself up over and over again. I need to figure out how to just not be so open. I just keep looking for that connection to a Family!!!! I want to feel like I belong SOMEWHERE! The funny thing is I belong here with my wonderful Hubby and kids, BUT in the back of my mind I think they would be fine and maybe better off without me.

Going through school when I was a kid I just remember a few teachers that seemed to be kind, I remember a bunch that were not so kind. I never had anyone sit me down and say… Sharolyn, you’re a good kid, you have potential to do and be anything you want. What do you want? Who do you want to be? I remember being told that I was so fat all the time, even on my wedding day I thought I was fat!!! I look at my wedding photo now and think OMGOSH!! That women was beautiful, and I realize now that I will never look that good again and I never even enjoyed it when I did look beautiful.

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