Dear Journal,

I wish I had a family…I mean I have a family, I’m married and have 3 children, but I wish I had family that I could hang out with and count on. I was a “late in life” baby, or basically as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized what my Mom was telling me all my growing up years…I was a mistake. An “oopsy” baby. She was 39yrs old (Same age I am now.) and was about to divorce my Dad after about 15yrs of marriage and than realized she was pregnant with me. She didn’t stop there though; 14mos after I was born my younger brother came along. Weee Anyway, I have an older brother and sister as well, but they are 5yrs older and they were left to take care of my younger brother and I most of the time sooo not sure how to think of them. None of us are close. At one point I would have said I could count on my siblings to help me out if something dire came up, but I know better now. Not sure if there is anyone to actually blame, just mainly it is what it is. I don’t think they would think to call me to come help them either so I guess it all evens out. *Shrugs*

I guess what got me on this topic was thinking about how a couple of my friends (I pretty much have 4 friends I interact with often, and I think of them more as people I am friends to, but I don’t really count on them to be a friend to me. Does that make sense?)…Anyway, these two friends they both have family that helps them out sooooo much. They are always talking to their Mom’s/Dads, siblings. If there was an emergency they have that total security that they KNOW they could contact one of their family members and someone would be there ASAP if not sooner. If there was an emergency, I would maybe call one of my friends, but I really couldn’t tell you positively that I would get any help at all. I would like to think that I would get some, but deep down I know that there isn’t anyone I could count on and it scares me and it makes me sad.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my life but I just need to have a pity party I guess. It’s like 5am and I haven’t slept yet partly cause I’m fat and lonely (yes I’m married, and happily I think, but hubby works and is only home for a few hours before heading off to bed to get up and do the working again. In his off time there are the kids and TV news and dinner and stuff…so I love my husband, but I do get lonely.)

I think emotionally I was the best I’d been when I had a counselor I was seeing once a week. When my hubby was still active duty Navy it was free, but when he retired from the Navy it started costing $25 a week so I had to quit. L It was soooo nice having someone’s undivided attention for 1hr and I could talk about whatever and get some input and insight and/or just let stuff go. I miss that. So, this blog is going to be my attempt at having that one hour of emotional venting and see how it goes.

Goals…

Tomorrow/Today… Scrub the Kitchen and Bathroom floors, strip the sheets, and straighten up the Family Room!
Short term… Work on only eating when I’m hunger and nothing after 7pm. Got to sleep by 10pm.
Long term… Get to a healthy weight

Ok going to sleep now. J
Sweet dreams!