Dear Journal,

I know I should be in bed, but was messing around on here and changed the background theme and read through some of my old entries. Now I’m just like UGH!!…

I suspect that if someone were to describe me from my past I would think they would say “Happy, Friendly, Upbeat, Open, Honest etc..”, but if I were to describe myself (Especially after reading the entries here) I would have to use words like “Recluse, hurt, bitter, angry, etc…”. I remember there was a time when I was soooo much like the first list of words. I want to be open, friendly, and TRUSTING again.

Life was so much richer when I could see the goodness in others and didn’t feel like I needed to be always “On my guard” and hold myself back from letting people in. I guess I always assumed that the longer I lived in one place the closer I would become to people, but seems like that’s not the case, and I don’t know if it’s something I did or didn’t do that keeps everyone pretty much at a distance. Sage is such a wonderful friend in every sense of the word. I have always told the kids…”A friend is someone you ARE, not just someone you have.” And Sage is a friend to me, I trust that she would be there if I needed her, and that even though I might get on her nerves at times she cares about me anyway. There is a part of me that is damaged I guess, that doesn’t “trust” in our friendship as deeply as I would have in the past. Having issues with trusting people now has pretty much sucked all the COLOR out of the world.

Life is too short to spend sooo much time “On guard” or Angry…I need to just open up again and “Que Sera Sera” If I get hurt in the process so be it, I suspect I’ll get much more joy out of life than hurt if I stop being so closed off! Now can I get this tattooed on my forehead and as my desktop wallpaper, and on the bathroom mirror, etc… I just need to always remember what was said “I never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it!”

Ok NOW I’m off to bed. 2am that’s not too bad…