Dear Journal,

I really need to remember to unload here to you rather than keep everything inside until I bust. I get more and more stressed or upset about stuff and I just keep it all in and than I get into one of my “Funks” and am depressed to where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I remember them telling me that once I’d been depressed it’s easy to slip back into the cycle, well HELL!! They weren’t kidding even a little bit. I need to go back to counseling probably so I can learn more techniques on dealing with feelings/emotions in a more “normal” rational way I guess, too bad it costs $25 a visit!! I don’t know where I learned the coping techniques I use, but they suck! Maybe when I was a kid they worked, but now they don’t.

First off I need to learn to forgive and forget!!! Dave is a complete psycho ASS, that uses people to work his agenda and get what he wants. I was stupid and thought we were all friends and learned the hard way with that type of person that you can’t trust ’em. I still am floored to realize how skeezy he is and how Jen, Barb & Michelle warned me about is shitty ways. Why do I give people the benefit of the doubt. I just think of how I trusted Jen and Barb too, thinking they were my friends and realized that Jen is psycho and Barb is nice but clueless when it comes to Jen. To have Dave, Barb & Jen all on the same PTA bored just floors me because I heard them all bitch about each other for literally years! Jen & Barb would tell me what a jerk Dave was, and Dave “explained” how Jen & Barb were worthless. Now to see them all chummy is just mind boggling. I always try and be “real” with people, “what you see is what you get”. I honestly try and treat others with kindness and hope that if I do offend someone they will come to ME and let me know what I did so that I can make it right. I just don’t understand people!!! Ever since convention where Dave showed me his true “Face” I am back into the wanting to just not go outside and be around people anymore.

Second I need to figure out how to not keep blaming myself for stuff… Should’a Would’a Could’as just really don’t help me AT ALL!!

Third I need to figure out how to go see my parents before they pass, it makes me feel so bad to realize that I may never get to hug my Mom or Dad again. My Mom turned 80 today, and Dad will be 83 in Jan. *Boggle* I haven’t seen either of them in 5 years!!! Ever since Patrick retired from the Navy our finances have gotten worse and worse I guess hind sight is 20/20 because I look back now and the economy was taking a dump as our finances were taking a dump. We finally in October started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and now I all I can see is the tunnel caving in around us. I don’t want to loose our house. THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE EVER LIVED ANYWHERE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!! 42 years old and I’ve lived here for SEVEN!!! YEARS!!! I don’t want to loose this house and have to go back to apartments and start all over again…

I KNOW I have tons to be thankful for! I understand that and I am thankful, and I trust that things will happen as they are intended too. If there is a lesson that needs to be learned here, stuff will continue until that lesson is learned. I just wish I could figure it out sooner. haha Ever since the shit started to hit the fan I worry each month, and every month it all works out. I know I should trust that everything will work out, BUT there is a big part of me that is tainted by my religious upbringing that makes me feel like God can’t love me since I’m not doing all those things that a “good religious person should” be doing. Like I can’t be loved or cared about unless I’m doing ______ or ______. It’s crazy! Also the big one since Patrick and I were sealed in the temple that we are basically worse than a serial killer and going to “Hell” because we aren’t doing all that we “Should” be doing. Ugh!!! Most of the time I can think over that “Stuff” and remember that God loves ME! But, when stuff starts hitting the fan it is really hard sometimes, I think what did I do wrong, what am I being punished for and why is it punishing my whole family.

Ok I guess typing all this out does help. I can start to see the irrational areas of my thought processes and now that I see them hopefully I can turn them around or at least make the mountains back into what they are…mole hills. haha Well, I better go fold some clothes and get to bed. It’s “that time of the month” so that tends to make me extra crazy I think, and gives me insomnia which having my sleep screwed up really messes with my mood too.

Good night Journal!