I should have posted when things were going well. :D

Dear Journal,

WOW! I can believe that it’s been since 6/24/2004 that I posted. I didn’t think it had been that long. Time sure did go by quickly. I feel like I live my life in a haze, I don’t really enjoy anything, I know I feel happy at times, but there isn’t anything that I just think “Hey, I REALLY want to do this”. I guess I was feeling pretty well before Patrick found out for POSITIVE that he’d be leaving on WestPac with the ship this month. He found out back in October and looking back now I can see who things just sort of started to slide from there. We knew it was and went and talk with my counselor about it and she referred me to a doctor for some medication. So, I have been taking Welbutrin for almost 2mos now. She had started me out at about 100mg twice a day and than to a 150mg once a day tablet and I think I felt more of a difference with the 200mg. So, this last visit she gave me a prescription for the 300mg. I don’t really understand how anything is going to make me “feel” better or deal better with the situation. It’s like as of Jan 13th I’m being sentenced to solitary confinement. I have NO ONE that I hang out with on a regular basis, NO ONE that I call on a regular basis, all of MY family are in other states, and Patrick’s family is at least 30min away. I guess I’m just sad that I have to say goodbye to my best friend again for 6mos. I was showing Clarissa on the calendar yesterday and it just really hit me. I just kept flipping page after page of the calendar. She finally put her head down in my lap and covered her face and tried not to cry.

I guess I’m worried, and I get afraid sometimes that I just can’t do it all alone. I know I’ve done it before MANY times, but I’ve ALWAYS had some friend to hang out with that lived fairly close by. I’m pretty much stuck. I’m pretty sure I’ve myself in the situation because I pretty much pull away when I’m in pain. I shut down. You want to her being completely quiet, watch me in Labor. 😀 OK during Clarissa’s delivery at the end she was coming soooo fast that I was yell/screaming into a balled up sheet I pulled over my face. But other than that I’m pretty quiet. I hide pain. I have been seeing my therapist for over 6 mos. and I’ve cried once, maybe twice. I don’t know why I just don’t feel like I can just let go and let people know how I’m really feeling. Patrick and the kids I think can tell, but I don’t know of anyone else that can. Probably just figure I don’t write, or call or anything cause I’m just “busy”. I don’t know.

Well, I figured I’d break this Journal back out and see if it helped to write things down, and feel like I’m actually talking to someone. I don’t know if anyone ever read this journal or would ever read it.

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