Dear Jounral,

I guess I had meant to make this a thankfullness journal where I sit and say what all I’m thankful for. Well, ends up that I don’t really think to write until I’m feeling really loanly and I don’t have anyone to really talk with so I write. Those aren’t usually times i’m feeling very thankful. Mainly times I’m feeling rather blue or upset.

I don’t know where I got this idea that I have to contantly appologize for feeling bad when I feel bad. Everybody does it at some time or another, nothing to be ashamed of right? I guess somewhere along the line I realized that people don’t REALLY want to know how you are doing when they ask. But the problem with that is that not everyone is that way, so when someone really does want to know how I am I tend to just still answer as little as possible and say “fine”.

I also wonder sometimes about the times when I was happiest in my life and those were times when I had some constants. Hehe Constants now there is a word that probably means something different to people. I was talking with my friend Winston and was complaining about how the longest I ever lived anywhere was 4 years. Well, it hit me that he moved all over the world. Mine was at least consitant to California and Washington so there I should be thankful for that.

I wonder what it will be like to live in a place for more than 4 yrs. I wonder if I will ever be able to shake this feeling of dread that something will always happen to make it so that things have to change. I’ve done so good at closing people off trying to make it “safer” to just be, that I’m just loanly now. I don’t really know how to go about putting effort into a friendship. Over the years I’ve put alot of time into friendships and it just ends up that one of us has to move away and we become each other’s guilt trip for not contacting the other and we loose touch. Than we move and it happeneds again and again. I just don’t want to be “friendly” anymore, but I don’t want to be alone, and no one wants to be around someone that isn’t “friendly” right?

Sheez where is my therapist when I need her Eh? 😀 4 mos, 3 weeks and 2 days until Patrick gets home. When I look at it that way it doesn’t really seem that bad, but than if I look at it the other way. He’s only been gone for 5days, 1 week and 1mos that’s really a bummer because it’s felt like ALOT longer. Well, until recently when I started playing World of Warcraft more often that is. I met a couple friends there who really make me feel like I have something to look foward to each day. Someone to hang out with and who’d miss me if I weren’t to show up in game daily. It’s been so nice, but it also hits home that I doubt that either of them put so much “value”/”need” in what kind of security I gain from that. Also, if I weren’t there, it’s not like they would call the house or come over and see what was up. So there’s still that reality factor that just hits home that it’s all just a game.

Anyway, I’m really tired so it’s not like I can “escape” into a game or a book away from all these feelings I feel so I will sleep. I guess that can be escape I suppose except when I guess I need it.

Well, there I’m thankful for escape…