I am just sitting here not going to bed for some reason. I am sooo tired, but instead I’m sitting here on the computer piddling my time away like always. I am sooo sick of being part of this “club” I never signed up form. I hate feeling like I’ve had no say in my life of what I wanted or needed. Patrick sent me an email today confirming that the Stenis isn’t due to go out until late 2006 and that he should be retired by than and I felt my heart “TRY” to be excited and fizzled out and that nagging voice said…”Yeah sure, I’ll belive it when I see it”… I HATE WHO I’VE BECOME!!!
Believe it or not my nickname when I was younger was ‘Sunshine”…OMGosh I read over this jounral and think about how I’ve felt for so long and think … HUH!??!??! How could my name have EVER been “Sunshine”?
All I’ve ever wanted in my life was to be a “family”, have people to depend on and people who needed and depended on me. Well, I do have my children and they are there for me as much as a 6, 8 and 11 year old can be, but we all know how selfish kids can be sometimes, and how selfish and bitter I can be. So Woohooo what a family. Patrick won’t be home until July!
If I had know in 2002 that I could actually feel worse and more alone now here in 2005 I would have filed for divorce than even though I was in a scuzzi appartment in a nasty part of Tacoma. Or maybe not, the kids are happy here in this house even though I’m miserable with the CRAPPY neighbors we have and the boom boom of car steros off and on all day. I can’t belive that thoughtlessness. It just amazes me that they can be that way. It’s actually scary to look into their eyes or hear their voices and sense that “evilness” about them. Just oozing with disdain and that attitude that everyone owes me a living and I don’t care about anyone but those who can give me something. They are a bunch of Gangsters I think. It’s just amazing actually. Scary and freaky and I live next to them, alone with 3 kids. Just freaks me out and I wonder why I don’t want to go to sleep at night.
I honestly think if someone came along that really “loved” me and would put me #1 in their life I would leave Patrick and take the kids and just go away from here. Heck I wish I could really love me enough to leave all this crap. I’m sick of feeling like my choices are only bad and worse, but that is all there is. Well, there is one other choice I suppose which is WAIT… That’s the one I guess I’ve been stuck with since it’s the one that hearts everyone else the least. Patrick is happy to WAIT to get out of the navy, the kids I think are happy to WAIT since the alternative would be probably living in an apartment, having a broken down car, and a Mom that worked all the time to make ends meet. They just don’t know that that would be the alternative to WAIT, but I can’t tell that is what they’d pick over Me being potentinally happy alone. Ughhh I’ll wait… Only 4 mos until this deployment is over, and than only like a year and a half until Patrick retires and than FREEDOM!…
I have been disappointed soooo many times I can’t even trust it. I feel so crappy about not trusting anything. I’ve lost my faith pretty much, faith in God even. I know he lives, but I don’t know that he loves me or cares about me anymore. I don’t think I’m worthy or something for him to love me. I obviously had to have done something REALLY wrong somewhere in my life to have had these past 15yrs of crap to deal with. Either that, or the decision I was supposed to have the courage to make was to leave Patrick and take the kids and go live my life. I don’t know. So, either I was afraid to move out and on, or I was just WAITING for something better with Patrick being home on a regular basis.
I DON”T KNOW, but I really don’t understand how God could want me to have a “Happy Family” when my husband has been gone at the LEAST 6mos of every year for the past 4 yrs. He’s missed the kids birthdays 4 yrs running now…the last time we were able to go on a vacation was probably sometime in 2001 or 2000 maybe. And hell the last time Patirck and I went out just us for a vacation was like so long ago I can’t even remember when it was.
I guess people say…”You make your own happiness”… Well, I wish they’d tell me how to do it exactly cause I really suck at it. The house is a mess right now, I have a TON of laundry to do, the kids all have science projects due Thursday, (Timothy’s is the only one required, and probalby the only one that will get done), I need to go grocery shopping, This is the last week of college classes for this quarter and I’m pretty sure I’m flunking each and every class because I got behind when the kids and I were sick and NEVER got caught back up. I just want to run away…but as usual, who would be around to give me a break and take care of the kids.
Yup…the one person I can count on all the time, everyday… Mr. No Body!