Just a quick note…

Dear Journal,

Well, not sure what to write, but figured since I was here I should write something. I am so sick of feeling so unmotivated and just blah all the time. I just have so much trouble looking at the bright side of things anymore. Seeing the sunshine so to speak. I do have alot to be thankful for, but for some reason I feel like I’m a baloon teathered down and I just want to break free. I’m so sick of being caged up. I want to figure out who I am now. Seems so much easier to just hide out in a computer game or busy work with a website than to just sit and feel or go run around town alone or with the kids. I don’t even take enjoyment in taking them places sometimes and doing things that I know will make them happy. I need to start taking them down to the park so we can run around and the dog too. Poor Shadow she never gets walked. I just need to go do something. Like that book I read I guess I need to stop ‘shoulding” on myself. All these things I “Should” be doing are just really bringing me down. I guess I just need to see the good things I do, which today I don’t think I did any.

I was grumpy all day. I didn’t feel well and there isn’t ever anyone I can depend on to help me out. I was trying to sleep in than realized I’d have to get up to go get Clarissa from the bus stop not like anyone else is around to do it. Than Timothy called and I had to go drive and get him from school cause he was feeling icky, and I was still feeling icky too. We were supposed to go to Chuck E Cheeses today as a “treat” and something fun to do and it ended up not happening so than I got to listen to Clarissa whine about it off and on and be upset and the kids asking off and on again and again if we could still go. We are going to be down in Tacoma next week for dentist appointments so I told them that we’d go than since we should all be feeling better by than. Atleast we better be.

Peter, my brother in law was supposed to come out last weekend to check the circuit breaker for me so that I could use my dryer but he never came by and he never called. 😦 I just wish there was SOMEONE somewhere I could count on. So I finally figured I’ve got to do SOMETHING about this damn dryer so I called and left a message on his home phone about what is a good price to pay an electrician to come out since I should just go hire one. He didn’t call back and than I calld my father in law thinking that maybe he would know a good price and he said “no let me contact peter” so I’m like ok. Well, than Peter calls and says he’s be here first thing SATURDAY AM… So I still have to wait until Saturday now for him to come out and than he’s saying “It’s got to be the dryer that’s broken” and the repair guy was saying it was the circuit breaker so I don’t know what it is. *Sigh* I just need a damn dryer cause there is alot of laundry to do with 3 children.

None of Patrick’s family has any sympathy for me at all and it sucks so bad. I wish I had a good support system but I don’t. I don’t know where to go about getting one either. I suppose I could call and chit chat with my family, but by the time I can sit down and talk with out being interupted it’s everyones bed time. 😦 I just wish I could feel good. Maybe I’m just making lots of excuses.

The only interaction I have with people is through this dang computer. No wonder I don’t like to get off of it or go do something else. It’s just sucks to be alone. I hope that when I’m old and grey I will deal better with the loanliness better than now. I’ve been thinking about mortality alot lately and how it sucks that for soooo many years of my life I’ve had to be unhappy. It’s suppoed to be a choice right? I should just be choosing to be happy right? Ughh…

Anyway, I’m really tired. I better go upstairs and turn off the TV and make sure everythings locked up.

Nighty night Journal I hope I have sweet dreams.

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