Dear Diary,

I was reminded yesterday or the day before that I have this LJ and figured I should update with a new entry, it’s been awhile. Well, the time has finally come. Patrick will be out of the Navy officially on September 30th, but his last day of work is Friday. Yikes! I can see where we are both thinking of how things will be different. Also, I can feel where we are both thinking back to the beginning searching trying to find what we once had together. That is something we do off and on in our marriage I’ve noticed. Guess it’s “normal” I never really had any example of long term married couples, so just kind of play it by ear. I see where we’ve changed and matured, also I see where we’ve become more selfish, mainly I think I have.

We were talking a few nights ago about me being so angry and resentful for sooooo long. When we got married he wasn’t going to stay in the Navy. I knew that the ONLY thing I wanted in my whole life was security and STABILITY and than to marry a guy in the Navy was just Oops! but he assured me he wasn’t planning on staying in. Well, here we are 16yrs later and he’s got his 20yrs in. Yes we will have benefits and retirement etc. which is good, but at what a price…

I don’t know how to get anyone to understand my point of view, but each time that re-enlistment came up I felt since I REALLY loved Patrick that I was given a choice of either being “Shot at Dawn”(Divorce) or “left to drown or die slowly” (stay married and in the Navy). People just would say “You know what you got yourself into!”, “Suck it up”, “You can do it you’re strong”. I knew I could do it alone, but my point is I DIDN’T WANT TO BE ALONE!!! I wanted to be part of a team a family, have it so that my children if they cried for their Daddy they could have him!! not like I had to go through.

Anyway, it’s all done now FINALLY, someone is reaching out now to me to rescue me from this “drowning” I’ve been doing for at least 10yrs, drowning in this anger, resentment, loneliness, betrayal, etc…, and I’m in the boat, but I still feel like that water is ALL around me. I need to figure out how to let it ALL go, to FINALLY have what I’ve always wanted for myself and my children. I’m sure it’s what Patrick wants too, but his parents have been married almost 40yrs, both sets of his grandparents were married 50yrs+. He lived in 2 houses while growing up and his parents still live in the last one which is about 2 blocks from where his grandmother still lives in a house that his grandfather built!!!!

Longest I’ve ever lived anywhere in my life is 4yrs…

In the past 4yrs maybe longer I have slowly built up this huge wall around me and haven’t been outside of it in so long, I’ve cut myself off from everyone, heck including myself in some ways. I have finally found a door out, but as I stand in the door way I can see that the beautiful world outside is moving by pretty quickly and I just get on out there before life just passes me by. I’m just scared I guess, kind of sucks that it seems I’d rather just sit inside here kicking myself for how much time I wasted “drowning” or “building this big wall around me” rather than just living.

We’ve lived in this house. Our house, yes it’s MINE, OURS!, since Nov 2003 and this is the place we plan on living for as long as we can, the kids will go to high school here, I was imagining the girls would sneak out on the balcony to meet with boyfriends the other night. *Giggles* I’ve known 2 other people in this city, that I had contact with, and I’ve cut that off too, partly cause each one at a different time told me about how they would be moving away in a year or so, but still not a really good reason to just not contact someone anymore. Although they don’t contact me either, I can’t say that I’m that good of company though.

Well, it’s REALLY late, and I need to sleep. I’m excited and anxious about this party we are having Saturday for Patrick’s retirement. I don’t know why I have to get this way, it’s this urge to just go crawl in a whole and wait there until it’s all over, but I know if I did or could do that I’d just feel bad after it was all over. *Sigh* What a mess…

Like my counselor asks… “Who’s driving the bus?” and it all comes down to me. I need to just DO IT!! I think it’d be easier if I had some family near by or close friends, but over the past 16yrs I’ve either moved away or they have and all the goodbyes have just really made me “emotionally raw”. I’m so afraid that if I made friends with someone I’d be sooooo clingy, or I’d get so chatty about me that I’d just drive them away. My poor hubby I go to him to talk with him like “one of the girls” and he really tries and is pretty good at it, but sometimes ya just need to talk with another woman.

Oh well, I never saw my Mom having any girl friends or girls night out or anything so maybe It’s not suppose to happen. I don’t know. Maybe this is just another season of life.