It’s that time of the month and it always seems to make me emotional and reflective. Guess that can be a good thing, but to some people I knew it is just drama. For the past couple of years I’ve noticed that “emotions” have been refered to as drama in online gaming, myspace, between friends, etc… “Leave the Drama for your Mama” or something like that. Just seems to me that emotions have their purpose and if we all just keep shoving them aside to keep them from those that can’t “handle” them than how healthy is that. Enotions should just clue us in that someone really cares about something or someone to a point of pure happiness or the other extreme blinding fury to everything in between. We are ALL different inside and out… THANK GOD for that. So, why can’t people except that people react differently emotionally??? Seems to me that people that like control don’t deal well with people being emotional. It’s hard to control someone that is running on emotion I suppose. *Shrugs*

So, anyway, the above rambling was due to the fact that I’m feeling “emotional” but I recentlly was told in an email that I guess in the few conversations I had with her that I was too emtional, or had the wrong ones, or just should have sucked it up and been thankful for all that I have. Funny thing is. I thank my heavenly Father pretty much everyday for all that I have. Hard part for me is trying to figure out how I could deserve all the wonderful blessings I have. How to figure out what did I ever do that was worth anything. With all the depression over the last several years and thinking that if this one thing happens it will all be better, for instance when Patrick retires I’ll FINALLY be happy. And the funny thing is I am happier now that he is home and around, I’m thankful and happy to finally have the family I always wanted and felt I never got to have as a kid. Giving my kids that stability of two parents working together, and loving each other and taking care of the family. Woohoo!!!! Instead of the watching my Dad choke my Mom, or an alchohlic step father chasing me around the house yelling at me, or a step father that felt children were to be seen and not heard and didn’t care what we had to say. So, there is this part of me that is still just not happy, and probably won’t be until I figure out what is behind it and fix it.

Another thing I’ve realized lately is I don’t seem to “need” anyone like I used to when Patrick was in the Navy. I was soooo desperate for a friend someone to seem to really care about me and the kids other than Patrick of course that would call and check in and make sure that we were alive and well. I’d go months without talking to another adult face to face. I’d volunteer at the kids school hoping that I’d get to interact, and I’d end up in the copy room making copies just me and the copy machine. LOL! I’d chit chat, but everyone always was busy and doing their own thing. Seemed like everyone had their families and friends for companionship and they didn’t need some “crazy lady that was clingy” around them. It was mainly my own insecurities I think that kept everyone away. Maybe when I did interact with people I’d go over board trying to let it all out and complain about things that were bothering me with people that really didn’t care to know, just wanted to be hanging out and having fun. BIG Mistakes.

It’s nice now though that I do have friends near by that I hang out with, we go to lunch and they got me playing WoW with them and we just mainly get on their and chit chat about STUFF until all hours of the night that it’s just nice to not have that overwhelming feeling of NEEDING them. I want them as friends, but I don’t NEED them I guess is the difference. I suppose it’s easier for them also, and it frees me up to actually be a better friend I think. It still would have been nice to have had a really good friend during those last few years Patrick had in, but I’m sure things worked out the way they were meant to. God doesn’t gives us more than we can handle, that was my montra so I’d hang in there. I learned alot and I feel like I’ve grown and I’m stronger for it. I got through alot of crap alone and on my own. Having three wonderful kids helped ALOT and I hope someday they will be able to understand how much I really appreciate them, and how proud I am of them.

I suppose all this emotion and reflection is just this hormonal period time of the month. Hehe I get this dang headaches with it that just suck. I get them every month as a side affect of this IUD thingy, and the past couple years I’ve gotten crampy now, but only on the first day. It was nice that after having Timothy I didn’t get cramps with my periods, until just a few years ago they started coming back. That was a VERY nice little break there.

I was watching Oprah earlier and it was about mainly girls and self image. It was really sad to watch this “Doll Test” that a young woman did where she took young black girls and asked them which doll was the nice doll and they’d pick the white doll, and which was the bad doll and they’d pick the black doll. And than she asked this one little girl to hand her the doll that looked like her and she started to go for the “nice” white doll and than picked the black doll. The look on that little girls face was just soooooo sad. It’s sooooo sad that any child has to feel like they are not enough. That some how because of the color of thier skin that they are bad. That’s just not right. I know for everyone their is “their” issue. Another lady that was on was a beautiful asian woman and she said that her thing was an eye lid crease that from the time she was really little in the Asian community that if you didn’t have an eyelid crease that was “bad”. OMGosh… it’s sooooo sad.

My thing from the time I was really little was weight. I don’t think I ever felt like I was ever enough, and have a hard time today even because I am fat. I look at old pictures and heck I wasn’t fat back than. I am now though. I REALLY need to do something about it. I need to love myself enough to take care of me. Another thing I really don’t want to do is make my self image problems my childrens. Children learn to take care of themselves by modeling their parents’ behavior so, I REALLY need to start being a better model. I need to FINALLY realize that I am beautiful in my own ways and just as I am. I need to work on being more healthy and taking care of me for myself, for my children and for my family.

Michelle and Jen walk at the park pretty much every day and I could go with them, they walk like 12 laps and I’m dieing after 2. Ugh… I got more out of shape than I thought I was, but it’s not really a BIG surprise. I don’t do ANY activity really. I want to start walking with them, but after not being around people and intereacting with people for so long I find I’m much quieter than I used to be. I’m REALLY funny though, I keep us laughing on walks and in the game and It’s kind of freaky. I think it’s this getting attention thing, and when others laugh it’s like a “that a girl”. *Blush* I guess it’s kind of nice to get a “that a girl” sometimes though. It’s not like I get a pay check at the end of the week that says… Yep see how much you are worth. Soooo, I guess if I get attention from being funny that’s ok. Probably could be insecurities too. We are all laughing about stuff though and being funny, sooooo MAYBE it’s just the laugh itself that is strange. I REALLY REALLY THINK WAY TOO MUCH!!!! I should go be a monk be philisophical (sp?) somewhere. Contemplate why the grass grows or something.

OK, I think I’m tired enough now that I should be able to fall asleep. Medicine doesn’t seem to help these period headaches, not really sure why that is, but it is. *Shrugs*

To be… or not to be… 😛