Well, I guess it wasn’t a REALLY good day, but not a bad day either. I feel pretty content even though I STILL have a dang cold. I probably should go to the Dr’s, but I just hate having to try and get in at the Naval Hospital here. When Patrick retires looks like we will be able to be seen out in town. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I haven’t heard much from anyone about Dr’s in the area. I’ll have to start doing some asking around.
I still keep bouncing around the idea of having more children. Logically, in a practical sense, we have a wonderful family just as we are, but there is this part of me that just has a hard time thinking of not having any more children. Just seems so final I guess. We’ve never made it permantent so we still could have one or 2 more children, but the only reason for doing so would be selfish reasons I suppose. I just think sometimes how “Good” people usually only have maybe 2 kids on average and people that just don’t really care have 5+ kids and than they end up with punks and disrespectful kids cause the parents didn’t want them in the first place. It’s so sad how many children are neglected. I guess is someways I’ve been “checked out” of my kids lives off and on when things were hard with this Navy life and all, but I have always loved my kids and show them that in so many ways.
Anyway, I really don’t think Patrick and I will have anymore children, but it is still hard to just realize I will never feel a life growing within me again. I think if I had known Clarissa would be my last I would like to have thought I’d have relished it more. Things weren’t going so well with Patrick and I at the time of my pregnancy with Clarissa so I think that I missed out on alot with her and her first year. 😦 Regrets… I guess life will have some and probably many more to come. I just hope that I can try and live more postively and start looking more on the bright side.
Somewhere along the line I lost my faith in goodness, I hope it’s on it’s way back. I know my Heavenly Father is watching out for me and it’s me that is keeping him at arms length away. I need to just trust him and take that step to just reach for him or just realize what I’ve always known that he’s always been there for me. I want to just trust him, the good and the bad. I just have a hard time seeing that somethings are for my own good when they, at the moment, look like such a mistake.
Also, I don’t feel “worthy” to be loved sometimes, I’ve made such stupid mistakes over the years. I can think of reasons why and if I try and step back and look at it I could see anyone falling and making a similar mistake if they were in my shoes, but still I tell myself that I was just rationalizing things. I have felt ashemed for my actions, I’ve gone to my Father in Heaven with what I did and told him I was sorry and I would never do it again before, and I still did it again. I honestly at this moment don’t think I would ever get into that situation again, but I don’t know. I don’t trust myself and I don’t want to “lie” again by repenting and than doing the same stupid mistake again.
I think everything pretty much came to a dead stop when I had my “break down” July 2005. I was talking to my friend Lesa about it at dinner a few nights ago and I started crying in the resturant. I was so embarassed I didn’t know where the emotion was coming from. I guess I didn’t realize how bad I felt than. I was scared, feeling useless, and very week. I’m a Navy wife I’m supposed to be strong right? ALWAYS strong. I wasn’t than, but I think I am doing better today. I’ve been feeling pretty “good” so hopefully this is just finally the road to feeling good again and getting “right” with life and myself and what I want.
Well, time for bed… It’s really late and I’m still fighting this dang cough.