Well, last night was better than the night before. I finally resorted to a sleep aid. Ewwww… So, after taking a Unisom I went to bed around 11:30pm since I was actually feeling kind of tired and than *Blahm* around 1:00am I hear both my girls crying for me. Ughh… Lydia woke up with a nightmare and since Clarissa was in bed with Lydia that screaming and crying in turn woke up Clarissa and made her start to scream and crying and they went into to Timothy since I told them I was taking this sleep aid and was afriad I might not hear them if they were to wake up and … Ughhh … Anyway, it kind if worked the way it should if I couldn’t hear them, but I heard them and so I finally got them back to bed and me back in bed around 2am and I think I slept pretty well until around 5am when I woke up and had to PEE… Grrr… Ok so than I went back to sleep fairly easily which was a shocker and than woke up around 7:00am cause I figured I might as well get up since I didn’t think I could sleep anymore. SO, hopefully tonight will be better although I did take a nap today since I was feeling REALLY tired from around 11am – 2:30pm. Old habits die hard. I am used to sleeping during the day ya know. Ok well, I’m off to try and become normal. 😛 It’s been pretty close to 4years or more since I was on a “Normal” sleep schedule so, I guess I should expect it to take a little more time.

I was bumbed that today I felt very unmotivated even though I knew I had had enough sleep. That part I hope goes away. I want to feel happy/motivated that type of thing. I’m afraid that that part of me is broken some how, or will always be set to around 3am. Grrr… Ok i’m going to bed now.

Sweet dreams.

Well, might have worked this going to bed early thing except I woke up for no reason at all at 12:15 (After 1hr) than I fell back to sleep and woke up at 3:30am and I don’t think I really feel back to sleep until close to 5am and than was only for a little while AGAIN and than I got up with the kids had some breakfast got them off to school and broke down and went to bed. Grrr… I slept for awahile from about 8:30am until about 4ish. I really want to knock this off and get on a “Normal” schedule. The furry ferrets haven’t been out for 2 days. I went out with the kids around 5ish and we got some stuff at Safeway. One of the things was Unisom. I took one almost an hour ago and it’s not even doing anything that I know of. It’s after 11:30pm here though now sooo I’m going to try and do this get to bed at a decent hour thing again. Wish me luck.

Well, here I go. It’s almost 11:15pm and I’m going to go to bed. I am actually a little tired. I had a REALLY bad night last night although I did go to bed early come to think of it. First time in a LONG time. Anyway, I hope that I will sleep better tonight than I did last night. Tempting to actually go to bed and read, but that isn’t good either. I usually end up staying up another 3 or so hours and that just isn’t working well. Ok Nighty night.

Wish me luck.

WOW, today was a busy day. I actually ended up not going to bed after I got off the computer. I decided i’d fold all the clean clothes that had been sitting ALL over the sofa downstairs for several days. I ended up folding them all and putting mine and Patrick’s away, than sat Timothy, Lydia & Clarissa’s clothes back on the couch in 3 neat piles for the kids to put away after they got up. I was pretty much done around 7:15am and realized that Timothy hadn’t gotten up yet so I figured he must not of turned on his alarm clock, and sure enough, he hadn’t. So, I woke Timothy & Lydia up and got them breakfast than FINALLY went to bed. I set the alarm for 11ish so that I could be up in time to take Clarissa to pre-school. She let me sleep off and on until than so I think I slept pretty well.

I got up and dressed than made sure I had all the dance clothes for everyone and she and I were off. She got to Pre-school around 1pm and than I headed over to the lake and sat there and watched the ducks/geese and read a magazine. I talked to Diana and ended up going over to her house and chatting until about 2:30pm than went and picked up Clarissa early and took her over to Dance. I left the dance place to head ALL the way back towards home so I could pick up Timothy & Lydia from school and than turn around and come all they way back to dance. We didn’t get done with dance until 6pm. Grrr…On the way home it was hard to keep my eyes open. Heck right now typing this it is hard. hehe This might work out really well if I can actually last until bed time rather than going to bed early.

Well, the kids are eating (as well as fighting/arguing/crying/screaming etc..) and everyone needs a bath I think. Maybe than can go one more day. Hmm I doubt it. OH well, it’s only 7pm, not like I can go to bed right now. hehe OK, i’m going to go maybe just lay down and “rest my body” as my mother used to say.

I’ll see about writing more later.

I just got done emailing Patrick about this journal. I’m FINALLY going to go off to bed, but I just wanted to say that I love my sweet husband VERY much and hope that he will always love me. He is my best friend and I don’t know what mylife would have been like without him, but I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want to have found out. I knew from the first time I met him that we would be together. Looking back at the past, almost 14 years, I can honestly say I am shocked sometimes that we still are. We sure do seem to work stuff out. LOL! I think Patrick and I are the best proof of the miracle of Prayer. God lives and loves us. Even though I screw up sooo bad so much, I know he loves me and takes care of me. I just don’t understand why. That is maybe part of my sadness. I need to figure out why God and Patrick love me so much. hehe 😛 Hmm I definetly need a self confidence check.

Ok this is it for this AM, I will write more later.

Well, it’s 4:37am (Yep i’ve stayed up ALL night again.) I said good-bye to my hubby again today, but hopefully for only a month this time. Did the same thing this time last year and I didn’t get to see him until September. Ughh… I just pray that they won’t be gone for 8mos again.

I need to start getting my butt to bed on time. I am riddled with guilt every day by not taking care of myself. I need to be a good example for my kids, but i’m so depressed all the time. I just want to feel Happy. It’s just been SOOOOO long since I felt happy I think i’ve forgotten how.

I used to be able to be so “Positive”; always thinking on the bright side. Now I am so “negative” about most everything that that even makes me guilty and MORE negative. Grrr… I just am soooo sick of being a Navy wife. I KNOW there are TONS of woman out there that are going through the same thing I am or WORSE (husband’s gone for 18mos…or worse). They are so strong and don’t break down crying about how lonely they are, or how much they’d LOVE to be able to PLAN ahead about something. To be able to set up a family Vacation, or even plan a dang birthday party for her kids and KNOW for a fact that their hubby would be around to take part.

Last year he missed all the kids birthday’s. Lydia will be 7 on the 26th of January. Patrick is missing it AGAIN. 2nd year in a row. It’s just so frustrating. I think he will be back in time for Timothy’s ( he will be 10 on March 1st) and Clarissa’s (she will be 5 on March 9th) birthdays, but I am soooo sick of “counting” on him and being disappointed. Constantly disappointed.

The thing that makes this hardest of all, (being a Navy wife that is) is when I read/hear comments from people in this country and out that put down this war with Iraq, the fact that we step in and help take out a man who was oppressive and tyrannical. We didn’t just make this shit up. He has been a Wack job for 13+ years that I know of ATLEAST. I met Patrick and married him in 1990 and that is when Desert Storm took place. I don’t know why we didn’t step in to save the people of Iraq than, but we should have. Sure would have saved lives I think. Atleast back than we were able to do it as part of the UN and not have to do it just with Britain behind us like this time. I know that Government can be corrupt and there are many times alterior motives for SOOOOO much of what goes on in different countries; United states included. I still just wish people would put down their differences to come together to help save people of another country.

It makes me angry that FINALLY the UN decides they want in to help with Iraq, but now only after most all the dirty work is done. It reminds me of the story of “The Little Red Hen” that I read to my children. OH well, I guess what makes the world so great is that not everyone is the same. Being able to see differences and except them is a good thing. It’s just when people are dieing or being oppressed is when it seems that someone should step in and help out. Just sucks that it always seem to be the United States.

I am proud of Patrick being in the Navy. I am thankful that he is still a good Daddy even though he can’t always be here in person, but I still can wish that things were different. I think my main problem is the fact that I NEVER had anything consistent growing up. I never lived in one place for very long. Heck my mom is now currently married to her 5th husband. I haven’t seen my Dad for almost 8 years. I can’t think about to a particular time or place and say “This is where I grew Up”, “This was my Home”. Just sucks so much not having any “roots” exactly. All my life I have wanted something consistent, be able to actually have a routine, somewhat KNOW what tomorrow would hold; although I do KNOW that things happen no matter what good or bad to change things. Still I would love to be able to KNOW if Patrick would be home this Summer so we could take a family Vacation. I would LOVE to know if he will be home for our Anniversary THIS year; Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. That he would be here to take the kids to school on their FIRST day back at school after Summer break, or for Clarissa’s First day of Kindergarten since he pretty much missed the other 2.

Anyway, I will try and write more tomorrow. Maybe getting alot of this crap off my chest will help me feel better.

October 29, 2002 12:47am

Hi Sweety,

*OUCH* My brain hurts now… hehe I need to go back to school. LOL! Do you have a calculator, or are you allowed to use one? I know that Texas Instruments one I had (around here SOMEWHERE) was pretty nice to use to do things with.

I better get to bed. Sorry I haven’t been writing. I’ve been sort of brooding (sp?) I guess. Just trying to get a routine down and figure out what I’m doing. The kids and I decorated by putting up some decorations on the front door and hung a ghosty and put up the ghosty lights in the window. We had fun. 🙂 It just breaks my heart when Clarissa or Lydia say stuff like “I bet Daddy’s going to like this when he gets home”… sort of just floors me emotionally. 😦 Not sure how to deal with this kind of stuff anymore. I mean I understand, but I don’t know how to help them understand and help them to feel ok. I can just seem them feeling bad and missing you. I try and say up beat and positive things when they bring you up, like when Daddy gets home we will be putting Christmas Decorations up. That’s basically what I said tonight in that instance. But sometimes they just catch me totally off guard and than I don’t know what to say.

I think there is some kind of mental struggle going on inside me about the way I figure things ‘should’ be and the way things ‘are’. Also, I’m trying to go off of my own life experiences and all that I wanted for my own children that I didn’t have myself. #1. Have a Daddy that was around all the time. Not have to just see him every two weeks for instance.
On the other hand though, you are much more of a “Father” as far as I don’t remember him rough housing much with us after the divorce I guess or even reading to me or anything like that. He did take us to for a week in the summer.

Anyway, the same old dialogue goes through my head as always; this inner struggle of the “mother protecting her young” where I don’t want the kids to feel bad or hurt at all ever. I want to protect them. 😦 On the other hand there is the “practical” person that says. “I guess ya might as well get used to disappointment now because life is just full of it”. I think about how many lessons I guess I should have learned when I was younger. I guess I always just assumed that life would be better for me after I got married and had a family of my own compared to my growing up life. But, I guess it doesn’t really change much except for the people and the exact situation’s circumstances, but it seems to be the same deal over and over and over again. “Give your heart … Loose your heart … Give your heart … Loose your heart.”

I’m just emotionally tired, and physically as well. I’m also paranoid at the moment. I hate this feeling. 😦 I don’t like to ‘have’ to be alone. I like to choose when I want to be alone or not. I’d like to choose something. Why do I dwell on the things I can’t seem to do anything about? I guess I keep trying to look for an answer where I could have what I want, but I can’t, and than I also have this fear that when it does come time for you to get out that you will leave me and I won’t get what I want anyway. I want a family, I want to go to bed every night next to someone. I mean I should be thankful that I know that you are that someone and that you’d be home if you could, but I still just miss you. Also which each day that goes by I start to loose the ‘flame’ that built up when we were actually together which sucks. 😦 The phone calls help, but I know that the calls won’t be available for a few weeks now?

Ughh I just heard a loud bang type sound. Brb… Clarissa fell out of bed 😦 I don’t recall any of the kids doing that before now, and if so when it was exactly. Poor thing she was just sitting there crying so I picked her up and cuddled her and put her back in bed. She went right back to sleep. I wonder if she will remember in the AM.

The kids and I decorated a bit this evening for Halloween. There’s this one ghosty thing that I had hanging up in the kitchen that has me all paranoid now. It’s one of those paper ones that folds open and has the paper arms and yes that fit into the folds. Ya know which kind I’m talking about? Hehe Well, I had it hanging from the ceiling taped up there. It kept kind of turning back and forth. And I’d look over and it would seem like it turned to look at me. Scary… Than it would turn away. Well, about 2min ago it fell down and scared me. Ughh I hate this feeling. I wish you were here.

Well, I better head up stairs and see if I can get to sleep.