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Email to Patrick tonight…

Hi Sweety,

Sounds like things have been pretty busy there. GQ’s sure dont’ sound very fun and exciting. 😦 I take it GQ doesn’t have anything to do with the Magazine? 😛 You guys don’t go and talk about how to be stylish etc? *Giggles* Sorry they are holding one on Father’s Day love. I wish you were going to be here. I’m kind of frustrated because you STILL haven’t told me what you’d like me to get for your Dad for Father’s Day. 😦 And I’m guessing that you probably won’t get this and write to me before I go out tomorrow morning to get him something? SO, I’m going to just get him a Card and maybe some type of Shirt or Navy something or other. I think he likes “Navy” stuff? He’s proud you are in the Military and what you do. So, how about I’m the Father of a US Sailor T-shirt or something? 😛 I looked at some computer speakers today that were SOOO cool. I almost got them for you, but figured I shouldn’t spend the money, and you already got a Father’s Day present? 😛

Well, I’ve been busy. This weekend Mom & Dad took the kids camping so it all pretty much started yesterday when I finished packing up the kids in the AM and got them all packed in the car with their bags and BIKES even. (I couldn’t figure out how you did it, fitting all 3 of them in the van at once, but I eventually got it in. Phew! 😛 ) So, there we were in the garage ready for “take off” and “Click…Click…Click” as I go to start the engine. Aghhhh!!!! The battery was dead. I forgot that the kids had left the van door open on of these nights the past few days and must have drained the battery. Grrrr… So, there I was STUCK. I called Cyndie (becoming me new old friend btw :P) and she said she couldn’t come right than so I called Allstate since I put roadside assistance on the insurance in November. Well, Allstate said we didn’t have it on there!! I was pissed. So, I had him add it than, but it didn’t help me this time. I went ahead and called Cyndie back and she said she’d call her friend Lorraine and see if she had cables since Cyndie didn’t have any and I didn’t replace ours yet. Nope Lorraine didn’t either, so I called Charlie down the street and he didn’t and I called Peter and he wasn’t home and I tried calling Mom and Dad on their Cell phone and they had it TURNED OFF (Grrr…) So, about an hour or so later I talk to Cyndie again and she said she is having a friend of her’s Mike come over and jump the van. Yeah!!!! So, I end up getting over to the camp site about 3 or so hours late. 😛 It was all ok though since I don’t think Mom & Dad really plan on me being on time anywhere anymore anyway. 😀

Than I sat and chatted with Mom and Dad for a couple hours and remember I was supposed to head over to Cyndie’s after I got back into town so I headed out and went over to her house and ate dinner and hung out there until about 1am ish. Than I went Grocery shopping at Safeway for some things and than headed home at about 2am ish. 😛 I put everything away and got PJ’s on and went into to brush my teeth at about 3am ish and had to put some stuff away under our bathroom sink and found out that the towels and stuff were WET under there. I ended up investigating it and some things were SOAKED. Aghhh… I hung out under the sink going through the baskets and drying stuff off afraid that the Liquid plumber I had poured down the drain was going to get all over everything under the sink, but it wasn’t Drano that I could tell, but it was WET. I STILL can’t tell you what caused the leak and sooo much water there. None of the pipes down there seemed wet at all so I couldn’t figure it out. 😦 I’ll have to go check and see if it’s wet again or not.

So, let’s see after that it was probably close to 4ish and I got on the computer to check email and stuff and wrote you a quick note and headed off to bed. I couldn’t sleep and I think I probably fell asleep around 6am ish. *YAWN* 😛 Cyndie called me at about 11:30am and woke me up, so I got up and she came over and we hung out all day today and went … Please don’t be angry… Please?… we went shopping at the Best Buy, The Mall and than we went to the Movies…*Ducks* and I ate Lunch out and Dinner out although she bought lunch at Wendys and I bought Dinner at Taco Time. 😛 I bought the Movie tickets and she bout the popcorn. 😛 *Covers her eyes* …Are you ok? I feel bad. I charged on the Avenue card and bought some cute clothes that Cyndie helped me pick out. *Ducks again* … Are you calm??? *Tries smiling with her eyebrows raised hoping you’ll smile too* 😛

Well, that was the past couple days. Here it is almost 1am and I’m rather tired. 😛 I’m just kind of contemplating how things can go around full circle and here I am friends with Cyndie again. You and I went to California for awhile and she went off to Hawaii than we both end up back here in Bremerton and actually run into each other and end up living near by each other. WOW??? Do you think this is “meant to be”? Or maybe after the whole shopping trip thingy that it’s not????

I miss you, we talk about you and Kevin alot 😛 We keep planning stuff where we hang out over there or they hang out over her. Do you remember Kevin much? I don’t really. He was gone so much before I don’t think we got to know him really when we all lived on Bonefish. I hope you and he get along ok. 🙂

So, I guess I’d have to say the past, almost 2 weeks, I think my emotions/mood have been on a fairly even keel which is strange to say the least. I am hoping that it will stay. I know I’ve been reacting to “bad” things better like the Lice thing and the Battery thing more positively than I think I would have. I suppose it could be hormone changes since i’m on the rag, but hopefully we will see that it’s more “permanent”??

Well, Shadow is hounding me, I think she needs to go out although I just had her out about 30min ago. Grrr.. Kids are gone, but this big furry kid of ours is whiney and needy. She’s cute though. I better go. I MISS YOU!! I want you home. I am sooooo excited about you coming home and being home for a couple months. *Jumps up and down giggling*

Love you BUNCHES,
Sharolyn

P.S. Please warn me if you are going to send me a “Heated” email about me being a bad girl and shopping. I don’t want to burn myself opening it. *Bites her nails worrying* I’m sorry. 😦

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Happy Anniversary

Dear Journal,

Well, it’s Patrick and I’s 14th wedding anniversary and we are apart again.  3 years in a row now.  We sort of celebrated before he left this last time so that was nice, last year he had already been gone for several months before it so we couldn’t really celebrate it.  We got a baby sitter and went out to Dinner at the Olive Garden.  Seems to be our “Anniversary” dinner place.  hehe The last time I remember us celebrating our Anniversary we went there too.  Next year should be great, 15years and he should be home unless they make him ride the ship around to it’s new port.  *Crosses Fingers* I just hope and pray he won’t have to do that and that he will get shore duty early near here since he’s only got a couple years left before retirement.  Well, my therapist told me today to just take one day at a time. So, I’m not going to think about next year yet.  Just today. 

I got a cute email from him just after midnight with a sweet poem he wrote in it.

Sharolyn my love
My sweet lovely wife
I Love you so much
You’re the light of my life.
 
Knowing we’re a family
The best we can be
Makes me just smile
And think of thee
 
I Love your green eyes
Like shamrocks in spring
I Love your brown hair
It’s soft and curly
 
Your smile is like sunshine
Your laugh is like a spring
Your skin is like butter
So soft and so sweet
 
I love you my sweety
My honey, my love
I look forward to 14 more years
of our fantastic Love.
 
Love Patrick

He’s on watch at the moment and we are able to email back and forth.  So, it’s kind of working like “being together” for our anniversary.   Well, I need to start getting to bed earlier as usually so I better wrap this up.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

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Email to Aunt Elaine –

Hi Aunt Elaine,

How are you doing? I think about you often especially when I refer to Lydia as L.E. and recall that the E is for Elaine. Or I’ll hear Timothy actually being bossy and call her Lydia Elaine and that makes me think of you too (The Elaine part, not the bossy part :D). I feel bad that I haven’t kept in contact with you for so long. I know I shouldn’t be so depressed so much of the time, but hopefully I’ll snap out of it when things get somewhat “normal” someday, hopefully soon. Still hard to believe that I live in a home that is mine (well you know what I mean I think, Patrick and I’s, but still Mine).

I think my Mom gets jealous when I talk about you or think of your house growing up as Home. I don’t know if I was at your place much of the time growing up or what caused me to feel that way exactly, but it was a place that was Loving, comfortable and safe most all the time. When I heard you sold the house I felt pretty sad, it’s hard to imagine you anywhere else. How are you liking your new place? I wish I could see it. Do you have much of a yard where you are? I always imagine you having rose bushes. 😀

Well, the kids and I are doing pretty well, Patrick is gone again until the end of the Month. I talked with him earlier today since they happened to be in port in San Diego and he sounded like he was doing well. He said that they gave him a Palm Pilot thingy and he said he downloaded the scriptures to it so he can read it and he was excited about that. It’s funny how he’s such a good example for me. I just wish he were around more. I have a counselor I’m seeing now that I am hoping will help me with some coping skills for dealing with the time we are apart, I pretty much shut down these days. It’s odd how I’ve gotten through 14yrs of this Navy life, and am having such a problem seeing getting through just 2 more years of it.

How are all your kids doing? Randy & Angie? Larry and Carrie? Kelly? Janice & Roy? Katherine? Richard? Scott? Clark & Sylvia? And how about all the Grandkids? Andy & Evan? Travis (I have talked with him a couple times, we still haven’t worked out a time to get together.), Tyler, Tawny (Am I forgetting a T name?)? Autumn & Stacy? I don’t think I really know Janice & Roy’s children, but I’d like to still hear about them, and Richard’s also. How are Kathrine’s kids doing? Dana and Rhea are married? How about Donavan and … I can picture his face, but can’t remember his name. Is Scott around to take care of his kids now? That was really sad about him having to go off to Iraq, and about Julie not being able to take care of them. How are they all doing? How are Clark and Sylvia’s children doing? I don’t remember their names, but I think there were 5 children last I heard? Wow, Aunt Elaine you have such a wonderful family. 🙂 When I read in my Patriarchal blessing where it says “You will look down the corridors of time seeing the good you’ve brought upon the Earth.” I actually think of you and how yours must say that. I’m sure all their lives are not perfect, but they must think of you as such good example as I do.

I love you Aunt Elaine I’m sorry we never got to go to that Movie together like we had always talked about doing. I hope one of these days I’ll get the chance to get down your way again and we’ll be able to get together.

*Big Hugs*,
Sharolyn

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Email I sent to TV News and the Newspapers to see about making a differenece.

Dear Editor/Producer,

I’m not a scholar and I don’t expect this letter to be published, but I would like to have my say and hope that in someway it will help the situation I and many other Military families face.

How can a news Editor not know what damage the constant bombardment of the negative aspects of the Iraqi War could be on a Military family which in turn goes right back to the Military members themselves? I am afraid to turn on the Television while my children are in view of it due to the fact there is nothing positive ever said about Operation Iraqi Freedom on most news broad casts. I rarely have heard about the positives that are going on in Iraq, and I know there are some, but the only time I do find anything positive said about what the Military men and woman are doing out there is when I turn on TV late at night, Public Television, or find those news casts of Hearings and Investigation Committee meetings where there is FINALLY some show of good that has been done in Iraq. I know that all the work the US Military, Coalition forces, and especially the Iraq people themselves are doing is having a positive effect in Iraq. I am certain that much of the increased violence in the past couple months and I expect the next several months is due in part that there is good coming out of this and the “terrorists” (not sure what else to call them.) are scared of loosing their place in Iraq or what control they had through the previous regime. They don’t like what is being done, they don’t like our presence and I’m sure they don’t like that the Iraqi people are working towards something different.

My point is this, I was under the impression that the “News” was just that to report the “news” which in most cases due to laws of the Universe includes both positives and negatives. Why is it that an Editor feels it necessary to only show the Negatives? Is it because of the Presidential Election is this year and as Editor are forced to figure that the Negative is more middle of the road so have to appease both of the main parties? Why punish the Military and their families? Why isn’t it possible to actually send out some journalists to find the positive side of Iraq to report back maybe just once a week at least? Is there NOTHING positive that the Military men and woman are doing out there which could be shown here at home to give their families further pride and hope?

The one way I feel that many American’s can help is by being proud of our Military, but how can we do this in some cases when all that is shown to us is the negatives? The media holds so much power. How can we be proud of them when they aren’t doing any good there right? They are just in this constant negativity that is portrayed by the media which I suspect is to make the current President and his administration look bad, if not that than I do not understand why. In this day and age why can’t there be some show of pride in our troops and bring a nightly segment dedicated just to them? Why not hear the mood of the troops from the troops themselves? I suppose if that were done there’d have to be some type of spin on that though to compete with the junk that is already on TV? I don’t think there would, and I think it would bring America close to the troops and in turn the troops close to home.

I admit that there are serious negatives mainly the prisoner abuse scandal. Also their is the fact that their not finding “weapons of mass destruction” in Iraq is a serious offence on our part if in fact the information was doctored in anyway, but heck it is way too late to do anything to change the fact that our Military and other forces are there trying to set things straight. Has everyone forgotten the fact that we had to go in their and help rescue Kuwait from Iraq before?? I have known since 1990 that the US eventually would have to deal with Sadam Husien (sorry not sure of the spelling since we (military spouses/families) have heard our Military members refer to him as “So Damn Insane” for so long I couldn’t be sure how to spell it.)

So, I plead with you as the Editor/Producer to please support our Military forces by supporting their families here at home. These families who are trying desperately to cling to the fact that there is a reason and a meaning to our lives being pulled apart and in some cases ended. Is there no goodness at all that has come of what has been done already? Will there ever be any shining moments of Heroism shown on the nightly news? It is sad that Military Families support each other better one to another in knowing that at least there is one less “So Damn Insane” madman able to torment his people or those countries around him but the Media doesn’t even remind the American people of that fact. It is sad that American Editors/Producers are unable to bring any “positives” that have come from this war into the livingrooms of those Military families to give them further pride and hope for their Military member.

Please find some positives. Also realize American’s aren’t the only ones that watch our news casts. Maybe the people of Iraq and the surrounding countries only see/hear our media continually bad mouth our Government, play up our failings, show those times that pit one American against another that all they can figure is that we are terrible people here in America. When I try and think of our media broadcasts from a non-American point of view I am embarrassed, especially the way we show our support for our troops and their families through the Media…not much at all.

Sincerely,
Sharolyn Buck
US Navy Wife for 14yrs of Service.

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Pain

Dear Diary,
I’m not sure how to go about writing how I feel. I’m feeling very lonely at
this moment. I don’t know if it would be considered self inflicted, or if
everyone would feel the same way I do now if they were in my shoes. I’m
always feeling like I’m so abnormal. The way I react to things isn’t the
same way everyone else would. I don’t feel like I have ever fit in here.
Sometimes I look back at myself and see that I think I resembled an angel
put here on Earth but her wings were cut and she can’t fly home. I
remember my Grandpa and others used to call me “Sunshine” because I was
always smiling. Maybe it was so shocking to them because they could see all
the JUNK that was going on in my life that I “SHOULD” have been upset about
but wasn’t. I didn’t know any better I guess, I didn’t know to feel sad and
upset, OR I was hiding it. Maybe I felt I caused it and if I just smiled
no one would suspect me. I’ve been told that when I was little I had a
great love for everyone. I would hug and kiss strangers and I know that many
times I put what other people wanted or needed before my own. Many times.
All this time though I look back and can only seem to remember all these bad
things happening. I know that if I compare them to everyone else’s bad things
mine really aren’t that bad, or could have been worse, but still they were
hard to deal with, and heck maybe I’m so sad now because I never dealt with
these things. And now I’m not sure even how.
Memories –
– Sitting on a curb somewhere either I was crying or I could hear someone
crying.
– Laying on the floor of my bedroom staring at the night light during the
night and my ear hurting really bad.
– My Mom has a rifle/shot gun pointed at my Dad while she is standing on the
porch telling him to go away and not come back.
– Missing my Dad.
– My Dad riding me on the bar of his bike and my foot going into the spokes
and him blaming it on my sister and than in turn me feeling like it was my
fault.
– Our cat ate it’s kittens.
– Sitting in the garden hearing santa’s sleigh bells.
– Being in a bunch of Tomatoe plants with these BIG huge worms on the leaves,
being frightened. The plants were as tall as me the worms looked huge.
– A tortise that was a baby sitters pet that we’d feed lettuce to.
– Waking up and finding my Dad with his arm around my Mom’s neck putting her
in a choke hold and her telling me to go back to sleep when she saw me and
told me that it was just a bad dream. I think it made her feel better to
think that I believed her.
– Stealing candy with my brother from the meat market and hiding in the
bedroom closet eating it and getting caught.
– Having to go return the candy and pay for it and appologize to the Meat
market man.
– Stealing a rubix cube key chain from Stater Bros and always feeling guilty
about it.
– My dog roxy.
– The Orange trees at my Dad’s 1st Apartment.
– The Do Run Run” song that Stuart and I played to death while visiting Dad.
– Sitting outside on the steps at school eating a twinkie after getting back
from a dentist appointment before I went back into class.
– My Mom talking about how my Dad always liked my 2nd grade teacher because
she had big boobs.
– Having my lunch stolen by some mean girl.
– Being loanly and afraid at school.
– Having my “turquoise jewlery” stolen from Kindergarten show and tell.
– Scraping my knee really bad on the playground in Kindergarten. I remember
always saying that I scraped it to where the bone was showing, but I think I
was exaggerating or lieing.
– School not being fun.
– Playing Hi Ho Cherrio in the cafateria.
– Teddy and Chritine being killed.
– Being asked by Teddy’s brother if I had seen her while I was at Stater Bros
out walking Roxy.
– The school service planting a tree for each girl in the school yard.
– Over hearing adults talk about their deaths and how “One would have had to
watch the other die or be knocked out.”.
– Hearing that they were cut up and put in a garbage bag behind the Safeway
and being found by a farmer.
– Riding bikes around Calimesa with my brother and some friends.
– Playing barbies
– Being invited to a slumber party where it ends up they just wanted me there
to be the Odd one out. When we played cat and mouse that night I was the cat
and it was that way with all the games. When we had a water baloon fight I
was the target. I left and walked to my Step dad Bill’s Gun Shop where he
drove me back to the party to get my things.
– Being teased by my siblings. “Sharolyn the Watermelon”, Elephant, Pig, Fat
Slob and occasionaly by my Mom, mainly just Fat Slob.
– Being blamed by my Mom for her problems with Bill.
– Bill being drunk and chasing me through the house calling me a Liar for who
knows what reason.
– Sitting on the couch watching TV while Bill lay asleep at the other end and
my Mom coming in with a couple trash bags full of Vodka bottles and dumping
them on the floor of the living room. The clinking of the bottles woke Bill
up and he didn’t say a word. My Mom left the room and bill went over to
start putting the bottles back in the bags and he stopped and opened one
that still had some in it and drank it.
– Thinking that Bill loved his alchol more than my Mom and us kids.
Sam punching Bill in the face after Bill ruined some projects that Sam had
been working on in the garage.
– Going to hotels to use the pool and I assumed to get away from Bill.
– Kmart getting my first bra and wanting to wear it out and how the manager
had to escort my Mom and I to the dang register and being soooo embarassed.
– First time going to girls camp and having such a heavy period that I
pracitcally had to have a seperate suitecase for my pads. I packed too many
I think.
– Never feeling like I fit in ANYWHERE.
– Never being Thin enough, good enough, pretty enough, neat enough….Never
being enough for anyone to like me or love me or stay.
– Church was not a happy place although I tried to see the good in it. People
were mean and heartless about the way they would judge other people.
– Sitting in church on my Dad’s lap looking at his big hands and feeling happy
– Having to sit in a lawyers office and choose who to live with Mom or Dad and
Sam and Susan choosing Mom and knowing I wanted to be with Dad too. I didn’t
want to have to choose.
– Never feeling wanted.
– Sam and Susan never liking me.
– Stuart always picking on me, but we were also there for each other at times
when parents were fighting. I remember us hugging each other crying while we
listend to Mom fight with someone.
– Moving age 4 – 6 … Faith Drive Yucaipa Mom was with Dad
– Moving again… age 7 – 9 … San Pablo Calimesa Mom marries Bill
– Moving again.. age 9 – 12 … 1246 Loan Star Court – Where I think of “Home” Bill taught me to ride a bike. Roxy.
– Moving again age 13 – 14 … Apartment in Redlands – STILL didn’t fit in
anywhere. Mom Divorced Bill
– Moving again age 15 – 17… Cedar Ave Yucaipa Mom Marries Ray
– Moving again …. Kicked out at 17. Part of it was because Ray and I weren’t
getting along. Mom told me that she had to choose Ray’s side because I’d be
gone and out of the house anyway. Than I moved seven more times before I got
Married in 1990.
– Moved 12 more times to now.

I will have to write more later, i’m tired now. Hmm The part before the move listing only goes up to basically the 3rd move so far when I was around 9 – 12 yrs old. Wow… I’m tired now I’ll have to finish this tomorrow.

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I feel crapy

The past several days I’ve felt crappy AGAIN! Grrr… Maybe it is hormonal. It probably has to do with not sleeping regularly which makes me not eat regularly, which in turn I forget to take my vitamins and drink enough water. So, I’m all F’d up.

I want to be excited about Patrick coming home, but for some reason I can’t be. I just keep thinking about how he’s going to leave again March 2nd and miss Clarissa’s birthday. 8mos of seeing my husband in the past 2yrs is just really not enough. 😦 I want consistency. I HATE IT when he comes home I get all close to him, get all comfortable and secure with him being around, being able to count on him at a regular time and than Blam!!! He’s gone again, I’m alone. The kids miss their Daddy and I miss my best friend. Maybe it’d be easier if I had some girl friends my age to hang out with when he isn’t around, but I don’t. I did before me moved this last time, but now I don’t.

I am soooo sick of being alone. I am sick of feeling happy to just be disappointed. I’m sick of having to tell Clarissa for the past 10days or so when she asked “Is it time to go pick up Daddy yet”, that it wasn’t and showing her on the calender that it wouldn’t be until today. Yesterday she cried in my arms because she thought “Tomorrow Night” meant last night. Grrr… I feel pain in my own heart for missing him and than I feel the pain for each of the kids too. I am surprised my heart hasn’t imploded yet.

I hate being angry. I just want to be happy.

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Today

Copy of Email I sent to Patrick somes up my day pretty well.

Hi Sweety,

I’m sorry I made you worry. I didn’t really get much of a chance today to actually just sit and write you. Ok that’s kind of a lie, but it’s just hard to write an email or do anything that requires alot of thought when the kids are running around.

I ended up staying up ALL night long. I guess writing all those “letters” got me going and I figured I couldn’t sleep. I checked on Lydia at 5am and she still had a fever so I gave her some Children’s Advil and she went to sleep. I got online and found a number for Pediatrics and it said they would be open from 8am – 11am on Saturday so I called right at 8am and got an appointment for Lydia. Yeah!! No waiting at the ER, so Timothy was already awake, and I had already taken my shower around 5:30ish and was dressed, so I just had to wake up Lydia and Clarissa and get them dressed and get Timothy dressed and we were out of here by about 8:20 and at the Dr’s by around 8:30am. Pretty good time I might add.

Well, the Dr. did a throat swab and they tested it for strep and she didn’t have strep. Yeah! Dr. mentioned something about shots if it was strep. Ewwww… So, we ended up getting out of their around 11am which isn’t too bad for a trip to the Dr on a weekend without a prior appointment. 3hrs has got to be a record. So, we were all hungry so we went to Wendy’s and I gave Lydia her medicine than. It taste GnASTY!!!! Ewwww…!!! I can see why she wants to through up after she takes it. But she ate and took her other medicine and she was ok. Than I ran into Pearl and ordered new lenses for my glasses, and than to the LDS bookstore and bought a couple piano books. So that when we have FHE we can sing the songs together.

I had told the kids we would use that money that Aunt Susan gave us to get them each something for being helpful (which they all still owe me by the way…Grrr). So we went to Target and Lydia got this thing that has double sided hard pastic plates with a sort of engraving of Barbie in different outfits you can mix and match and than you put it in a thingy and a piece of paper over it and use a black crayon to make a picture that you can color in. Timothy bought a Transform which he was WHINING about wanting so he can play with the other boys at school. (Our kids are spoiled, but I remember how bad it felt to not ever have anything the other kids had, or even when I finally did they realized how happy I was about it so they teased me about what I had. ANYWAY…) Clarissa got…Guess?? WHat does Clarissa usually ALWAYS get when we go get a toy? Did ya guess? Right… A NEW Baby. *GIggles* She’s such a Mommy. She’s kind of bossy though. Not sure where she gets that. *Looks VERY innocent.* OH I bought stuff for me too. I bought a Mic/headset combo so I can use Teamspeak on DAoC. Also I had heard about these Nancy Drew Mystery PC games and I bought one that had 2 games in it. So we came home and told the kids they had to have quiet time for a little while since I KNEW Lydia looked tired and would probably fall asleep and she did.

So, around 5ish Lydia woke up and we ate dinner. I started getting REALLY tired around 7ish so I HAD to go lay down. I got up at 8ish and gave Lydia her second dose of GnASTY! medicine and than told them they could stay up and watch Pixel perfect because I know they had wanted to. I would have stayed up with them, but I was Tired. So I went back to bed. Well, around 10ish Timothy came in and told me that Lydia just threw up. Ewww… Wonderful. Good thing she was in the bathroom and she hit the carpet. 😛 Can wish for toilet, but nothing wrong with her hitting the carpet. I got her some fresh water and told her to sip it. I guess I won’t give her anymore GnASTY! Until tomorrow AM. 😦 Not sure what to do to make it taste better. Maybe i’ll see about adding it to juice. Ewwww… I figured her tummy was too upset to try and give her some now, I’d probably be wearing it. Ewwww….

Ok so here I am. I sat down to write you and the dog is groaning at me. 😦 I just had her out before I came down here to write. I have to go clean the bathroom floor down here still. Timothy and CLarissa had the boys (ferrets) out in there and let them run around through their crap it looks like. Ewww… I’ll have to bathe them tomorrow.

Wow, that’s a lot of Ewwww’s in this email. hehe I’m feeling a little better today. I don’t know why. I guess because I felt a little better about writing my congressman I felt like I kind of “Tried” to fix things. I can’t go be looney(ier) , I’m not going to hurt myself, I don’t want you to hurt yourself, so I guess we will just have to enjoy the fact we only have had 8mos together in the past 2 years. WooHoo! I hate the Navy. I don’t care if they pay you a million dollors a day for the rest of our lives I don’t think it’s worth it, but that’s me. I’ve never cared about money. Yes it makes life easier at times, but it’s not required to be happy. Being together making memories, going through the good and the bad times TOGETHER is what I think is worth so much. But, I think the money won’t hurt. 😛 I want a new BIG ring when you retire. 😛 So I can wear it as a Medal of a job well done. Ok I guess a BIG whiney job well done, but a job done anyway.

I hope you slept well, sorry you have the Midnight to 4am watch. That one must hurt the worst? If i’m up i’ll email you and maybe we can “chat”. Sorry I worry you, but I just REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY hate this being apart stuff.

Love you bunches,
Sharolyn

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Now i’ve gone off and done it… *Bites her fingernails*

Thank you for sending your E-Mail to Congressman Norm Dicks

The following information was received by our office.
Name: Mrs. Sharolyn Buck

Your message: Dear Rep. Norm Dicks, I am not sure if I should be writing to you, but here I am. I was wondering if there could be someway to address the rights of Military wives spouses. The ones that are stuck because they love their husband. I love my husband and have been supporting him for 13+ years as he has had his career in the US Navy. That is ALOT of ups and downs, and I just was wanting to maybe give a different perspective on this option of “Well, if you don’t like it than get out” attitude that goes with being part of the military. My husband is torn between his duty to his country and career and his duty as husband and father. There has been many articles that show this dilema and fact, but not many if any that show the dilema of the wife/spouse. What choice do we have? We can either support or divorce? The problem is with this support goes being alone MUCH of the time. Going without the love of your life and the father of your children. It sure would have been nice if someone pulls the spouse to be aside and asks before they marry into this military “prison” if they really know what they are getting themselves into and will they want to do it anyway. Maybe I would have said yes I will marry my husband even though it means marrying the whole military life, but atleast I would have had a choice of knowing. It would be even better to have an option later where it could be both the husband and wife who would have to decide if the husband would go for Sea Duty again, not just the husband that way if they needed to get things in order before the deployment there would be time, like marriage counseling or whatever, heck a vacation. I NEVER imagined I would have gone through all I’ve gone through and still have no way out. I for one wouldn’t have had children to put them through the constant uncertainty and disappointment that goes with being a spouse to a military member, all though my children are the only thing that get me out of bed every morning. I guess what i’m saying is, when is it EVER possible for the wife to say. Help me i’m drowning here! I’ve had enough I want off this Boat! I want a life where there is some routine and ability to plan one day to the next. Even when he was on shore duty we couldn’t even schedule marriage counseling. He couldn’t be sure he’d be off for medical appointments, because of Duty days and “safety meetings” (which he’d been to several times before I might add). I know there is the Ombudmand etc, I could go to a doctor and get medicine, but what I need is my husband. I need a routine, not all this up and down and in and out all the time. I’ve been told that if I go to the Naval Hospital and talk to a doctor there they will give me medication and counseling and maybe they will make it so that my husband can take a more active role in his Husband and Father duties over his constant unwavering role as Military member. Do I have any right to the freedom of other wives to have thier spouse home? To share thier life and home with them. Is there any freedom in not ever being able to plan anything. I don’t even know for sure if my husband will be home the second weekend in July so that we could take a vacation for his birthday. I understand that many people don’t have that option, but they still don’t have as many things standing in their way as a military member. Will he be out to Sea, will he have a duty day, will they allow him to take leave, or will it be close to a deployment and not allow him to leave the ship. Hmm … Just doesn’t ever end. I don’t remember the last time we went on a vacation. Since April 2002 to present I have spent 8mos TOTAL with my husband and that is not consecutive months. My children have had to go all that time without their father. I know, I know I should be thankful he comes home at all when so many men go off and don’t come home. Right??? When do military wives have the right to say ENOUGH is enough. Where they won’t have to be punished by the resentment of their husbands, or the fact that they just weren’t “Strong enough”. Why do I have to suffer because my husband is sooo close to retirement FINALLY. Why do I have to suffer because I love a man who wants to finish out his career. Why does he have to CHOOSE between the military and his family. Please could you answer me that. Why does a man or woman have to choose between the military and their family? Why does a woman when she has had enough only have the choice of divorcing her husband, getting a ‘lover’, or death (which isn’t really a choice since she dies a little everytime he has to go away, every time she has to take kids to the ER alone, every time she has to deal with crisis after crisis alone. After 13 yrs I want him to be out. I want him to be done, but he can’t. He is only 2+ years from retirement. I am such a baby to have gone 13yrs and now be whining about the last 2+? But it’s because I know what it is all about now. I know what it is like. Ignorance is bliss, but I’m not anymore (although my spelling seems to show i’m not to bright) but, I am dieing inside. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t look forward to anything, when he was on shore duty I couldn’t even go to school or get a job because I would always have to have a back up babysitter to take the kids on his duty day that was NEVER The same day each week. What about the military spouse? If a military member can’t “Handle the stress” anymore what do they do for him/her? What about the spouses when we can’t handle the stress anymore? I know there is the Ombudsmand etc, but the problem is I want my husband, my love, my friend, my lover, my companion, my team mate, my shoulder to cry on, BACK!! I want my children’s father, confidante, playmate, hero BACK!!! I don’t want to have to be alone anymore. I want to be able to plan next week, next month, next year!!! Please if you can help me. Sincerely, Sharolyn

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I give up…

Well, last night there was an EARTHQUAKE… 😦 I’m guessing that no matter what I do something will always happen to interupt what I want or need. Someday maybe I will finally get my chance, but for 13+ years i’ve been waiting for my time. In this prison that never ends that I have no control over. Day after day it’s either recovering from a time when he is out to Sea, or thinking about how the next dang deployment is around the corner. I honestly think that they only way out is to be dead and buried, or WAIT. Wait always waiting…I just think it’s going to be such a laugh for someone to come to find out that when it is time for “retirement” something tragic will happen and I will die or he will or something terrible to end the joy will happen. I suppose it is inevitable something always does come to destroy happiness.

I hate being a Navy Wife, all I ever wanted to be was Patrick’s Wife, not wife to the GOD DAMN Navy. 😦 Day after day, this life in the military defending our freedom, only problem it doesn’t defend any freedom of the spouses that have been wedded to it. No freedom, oh I guess there is the freedom to get a boyfriend on the side to take the place of missing that spouse physically, there’s always the freedome to stay busy doing what ever volunteer work needs to be done, and heck there is also the freedom to have children and be mother to them, heck you can’t get a break from that job if you wanted one/needed one. So, there we go, Freedom. Freedom to hate yourself for being in love with a man who sees only how retirement and the money that comes from it will take care of all the problems that will be faced for the furture. I just honestly hope that it will have all been worth it. I’m proud of my husband, of his dedication to his job. It just drives me nuts that there is no dedication to anything that he does for the Navy. They’ve passed him up 5 times for making chief. And for some they say that it is because of their quota to promote so many minorities and woman. That they would pass up promoting a man that has never been late, that is always dependable, that would allow his wife to take herself to surgery and bring herself home because he didn’t want to put out someone else to have to take his duty day. When his wife BEGGED him to take time off that he just told her no he couldn’t. But, they still pass him up for advancement.

This has been 13+yrs of hell, and knowing that there is only 2 more left seems like it should be some comfort, but it doesn’t. Atleast it seemed up until the past 3 years that there was MAYBE a chance that he’d get out. That we could get away from this Warden the Navy. I would love to have the freedom of counting on someone. REALLY being able to depend on someone for help if I needed it. That is what I thought a man and wife were supposed to be for each other. The fact that the military makes it so a Husband and Wife can’t be that for each other pretty much takes away basic freedoms. For me if the wife doesn’t want to be a part of the husbands career than he should be allowed to have his career at shore duty rather than OUT in BFE Sea Duty, away from his family and responsibilities there. Sure he could have gotten out of the Navy, but than what. He would have rescented me for not supporting him to finish until retirement. I love him. I feel his frustration with me, his disappointment with me for not being “strong enough” to handle these times apart.

So, maybe you can now understand my hell that is my life. Live it as it is, alone, not ever being able to count on him for anything. Not being able to plan birthday parties, dinners, or even just a quiet time just the two of us sitting at home snuggling watching a few movies together. The kids can’t count on their Dad being there for them for school things, or even if they are sick and have to go to the ER.

I know, this life has no guarantees. I guess that’s why it hits me so hard. That all this time apart is wasted. It can never be regained. The memories have already been made without him here in them.

SO, anyway to my subject. I give up. I give up trying to being on a “Normal” sleep schedule. My life is not normal. I can’t have anything that I want. There has been nothing normal about my life for pretty much 13yrs. Nothing that could be counted on. Well, I guess there were the 3 years in the beginning. We had each other. I was working, we had a routine. Something I had never had. I could count on someone. I was part of something; we were a team. As soon as he was transfered off that first Shore Duty back to California and didn’t get out like we had talked about. My life ended, but the problem was. It wasn’t just my life anymore we had our son. I remember how much my Mom agonized about taking us kids away from our Dad. I couldn’t do that to Timothy. I couldn’t divorce Patrick because I NEVER saw him but on the weekends. That I was raising our son alone. I just kept thinking that Patrick would get out after this Sea Duty. We would get our time.

It all hurts to much to dregde through all the crap that leads up unto this time. To me sitting here pouring out my heart and angry to a dang computer because no one else will listen. Not even my husband can listen beucase he can do nothing about it. I have to be mental, which maybe I am now, for him to get to leave the ship and come home. I hate competing with the Navy for my husband. I always loose. I have never won any battle when it has come to a battle of weather he can stay home with me or have to go out on the DAMN FUCKIN SHIP. (Excuse my language, but i’m angry, constantly all consuming anger.) I cry and cry and cry. Than I feel a bit better, but I ALWAYS come back to this spot. I’m angry, I feel jipped, like i’ve been living someone elses life and that someday I will be set free to be FREE to live my life with team mate and we will be able to live our life together. I’m so frighted that when that time FINALLY comes we won’t know how to be a team. He won’t have the excuse to leave out to Sea anymore and he will be suck here with me and decide he doesn’t want me. I have been here waiting, stuck, not able to afford childcare so I can go to school, go to the gym, not being able to do any of the things I would like to do because I don’t even have the same opportuinites as a divorced woman. I don’t have low income child care, there are support groups for the “single” mother, but i’m not one even though I am often mothering ALONE. What am I. Who am I. I am a mother of 3 beautiful wonderful kids that want their Daddy. They want their Daddy so much it blinds them to the one parent they do have consistantly with them. They don’t worry about me leaving and not coming home for months at a time. They know that I will always be here for them. Which for me that is wonderful. It’s just sad that they can’t have that comfortableness of consistancy with their Father. That is one thing I wanted for my children that I NEVER had. I have had 4 step Dads. One of which I considered more my father than the others, maybe even more than my real Dad. Am I able to contact him, no, he’s dead. He loves his alchol more than he loved my mother or us kids. That time we moved right under his nose, a little at a time, until we were all moved out and he didn’t even notice until we were gone.

All these times that Patrick goes away, he takes a little bit of me with him. Over and over and over again, I am than left with this shell. Angry and bitter and loanly. Only purpose is to be a mother to my children, but than what kind of a mother am I being when I do nothing for myself. My children will grow up thinking that their mother was just a shell at thier beck and call. She had no other ambition or drive.

Maybe they will be right. I’ve figured out why I like to be awake when your asleep dear. I can be busy and somewhat happy at night when I know you are home safe in our bed, and than in the morning when you go off to work, I sleep. I sleep away the pain of not being able to be with you, share things with you, knowing that everyday is just one day closer to when you will be gone again for months. Also that impending fear that one of these times you will come back again with someone else in your heart. Maybe that is also what I am subconscicely pushing you to. If you choose than it will free me, and It will have been your choice not mine. The problem is, all i’ve ever wanted was to be with you, to live together, love together, raise our family together. I wanted to be a music major once. I used to be able to play, I used to LOVE to play for my own enjoyment. I used to draw, I used to love to draw. Now, all I do is wait.

Just imagine being in a cell, you can move around in this cell, the only walls are your resonsibilities, well, not exactly YOUR responsibilities they are your spouses so there for your own. The first few years in this cell aren’t too bad. You don’t even realize you are in a cell, that you aren’t fee. Than about 8yrs in you start to realize you have welts and lashing marks that you didn’t even realize you were getting. You realize that you are getting beaten down and beaten down every disappointment is another lash. You were once able to shurg them off you realize. Rise above them because you knew that they were supposed to end soon. By 10 yrs rolling around you realized they weren’t going to end. You would continue to have disappointments. The only good thing was that during this time you were given little angels. Your children to help you through. When they were so little you knew that things weren’t too bad. It wasn’t until your oldest in response to the first Shore Duty and his daddy being around all the time, your son asked everyday for a WHOLE month if Daddy would be home that day. YOu realized the lashes he had on him that were healing, slowly. Your oldest daughter was too young to have been hurt by the lashes yet, but it started to down on you that she too would feel them. And than your youngest. The things that were going on at the time you barely remember her first year. But now you do, things are better now with your husband, but still you look back over the time and feel every disappointment that hit yourself and each of your children in turn. You try and cusion the blows for your children, but as they get older you know it is in vain. They are strong children, they have to be. They too love thier Daddy and just try and remember the times that he’s been home, and that he won’t be gone “that” long. But for you it’s harder because you know it could change, you know that the lashes don’t just stop they keep coming, you’ve resigned yourself that they will never stop, because even though they don’t come from certain disappointments directly anymore they come from having to teach for instance, your daughter that “we can’t save a piece of pizza for Daddy for a whole month”. But than there is a part of me that wants to say “Yes we can, let’s freeze it”. But i’m afraid she doesn’t exsit anymore, or soon won’t.