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BP Oil Mess…

Dear Journal,

I am sooooo angry about this whole BP mess!! The more I learn about it all the more angry I am!! We live in a “Free” country, with freedom of Press right? Seems to me that main stream news casts DO NOT TELL US THE WHOLE STORY…seems like we are given just what certain people want us to know. Whatever happened to “JUST THE FACTS”… It’s like the news is 80% OPINION/SPIN and 20% fact these days! The News has become just another form of Advertisement for certain people/parties/groups agendas! Who can pay the most money, who can use leverage to “Spoon Feed” all of us whatever they want us to believe.

Personally I don’t know what is true about anything because I never personally saw the Oil Rig, I didn’t see the spill, I don’t have the scientific knowledge to calculate the barrels of gas off a video that I can’t KNOW if it is really live video from there or not… (I know it is, but you know what I’m saying??) It’s hard to be able to Believe what anyone is saying anymore.

When the disaster happend they said it was 1k barrels of oil leaking…than 5k barrels… and it’s gone up from there to more like 40,000 barrels a day. Now there saying that the “Fix” they tried to implement COULD have acutally made it worse? WHY weren’t there accurate numbers in the first place so that they could get an accurate read for if the “fix” is helping or not? Seems to me that they did the “Fix” so that it would be easier for them to load oil into tankers on the surface so they could still be making some $$$$ while they work on drilling “Relief” wells… OMGOSH!! What in the heck is going on.

I feel like BP is a murder and we’ve left them in charge of their own investigation… “Yeah let us know for sure if you did it or not Ok, and make sure you bury all the bodies??” When the “SHIT HIT THE FAN” our government should have taken over!! BP is in OUR WATERS! We should have had our people overseaing all of this from the first dang place!!

http://thedailybite.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/necropsy-of-sea-turtles-dying-after-bps-gulf-oil-spill-under-gag-order/

We all seem so willing to put our head in the sand and not care, but I REALLY think it’s we just don’t know what to do personally about it. “What can I do about it?” I just trust that the elected officials will do something, but it seems like our Government is more about “What the most profitable choice?” rather than “Doing the right thing!!”

Aghhh!!! Ok I think I’ve said my piece for now. Just gets sooo frustrating, and I don’t know what I can do about any of this. I didn’t vote for Obama, but seems to me he has a reponsiblity in this almost as much as BP. He gave all the power to BP to fix this mess, when he should have stepped up and required full disclosure from BP from the Get go. Our government over see it all not BP. Thank God for Rep. Ed Markey, who chairs the House Subcommittee on Energy and the Environment, or we would all be in the dark about ALOT of this!!

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35429_401072075487_6936804_n Monday was the 5th Grade day “off”  haha  They spent all day at Evergreen park, can’t remember exactly what it was called.  BBQ and fun day!  Here are a couple pics I took of Clarissa and when they buried Zach in the sand.35429_401072215487_7809692_n

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Finally figuring out some stuff…

Dear Journal,

Starting to figure out FINALLY why I stay up so late I think. Sort of hit this AM when I was talking with Patrick. Alot of my “bad habits” are coping techniques for dealing with Patrick out to Sea and gone, and this is one of them, but why do I keep it up now? Well, since Patrick retired we’ve had to figure out how to work together and we don’t really work “Together” either he does stuff or I do stuff. I think it’s my way of keeping that separation, the out to Sea thing going because it was the way we lived for most of 16yrs…The thing is it isn’t healthy. I want Patrick and I to be more of Partners, but I know it’s easier for him to just do stuff on his own. Not have to consider me in majority of his decisions. He works, and goes to school, and the rest of his time is spent however he wants to. We don’t plan anything together, but we never really could before anyway.

It’s been almost 4yrs since he retired and I am STILL angry about him staying int he Navy. haha I think I stuffed it away for awhile, but it’s time to just feel it and let it go. Patrick and I’s 20th wedding anniversary is Wednesday (June 9th) and neither of us have anything planned. Partly because we are broke, but partly I think because we need to figure out how to come together and PLAN stuff.

Patrick says he didn’t have any kind of coping things he did for dealing with the separations from the kids and I. He just was able to say ‘There isn’t anything I can do about it so just deal with it and move on.” … I on the other hand fought it every minute of every day. haha Now it’s done!! It’s OVER!! But I am still stuck in places I actually never wanted to be. I don’t know what can fix this, well I know that only I can fix this. It’s funny how this Mental stuff works. It’s like everyone else can see I’m beating my head against a wall, but to me it looks like I’m trying to fix something or change it. Silly…I know.

Ok well, I need to get ready to go. Heading to a Sounders game with sage in a little while. Patrick’s boss has season tickets and we got a couple for tonight. Weee… Anxiety is kicking in though for leaving the house. Another fun “Bad Habit” I got into when Patrick was out to sea. Agoraphobia? Not sure if that is how it’s spelled. Fear of going outside. Yeah it’s wonderful.

It’s sunny outside and I spent most of today Sleeping… *Bonk*

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Anger

Dear Journal,

After writing a message to my niece to wish her a happy birthday I realized how much time I’ve spent being Angry. I was so paralyzed by it for so long that I screwed up so many relationships it’s not even funny. I guess I can’t take all the responsibility for them, but some I can. The anger turned me inward to where I couldn’t really see anything but “the broadside of the barn”. Which is funny because that’s how my Mom would describe some of the outfits I liked to wear or coats I thought were cool. More stuff I’ve was angry about that I never just dealt with… I don’t want to hurt any ones feelings that might read this, but I need to get some stuff out of my system. Deal with the feelings so I can LET THEM GO!! I’m a stuffer is what the counselor would refer to it as. I get pissed, hurt, upset and I stuff it. He’d wad up pieces of paper and stuff them into an empty coffee cup until he couldn’t fit anymore in and than he’d take his hand away… He also referred to my anger as something “comfortable” and known to me. “you wear your anger like a coat”…

I feel like I live in a constant catch 22 situation!

Patrick has been retired from “The Navy” for over 3yrs…3yrs & 8mos on May 26th. Ugh!!! And I’m STILL screwed up. I have a hard time getting motivated to do stuff. I “escape” still rather than just deal with crap that happens day to day. I guess I should say “Stuff” not “escape”, same thing I guess. I watch TV shows until 1am that I have recorded all the while stuffing my life and thoughts, I get on Facebook and stuff my life away while I check out everyone else’s, I read books and stuff my life behind the pages I’ve read!!

I want to be present in my life!

I remember the counselor would ask me. “Who’s driving the bus?!” referring to the fact that it’s my life who’s making the choices. I don’t know that I have ever “made choices” I seem to trip along into my life…stuff happens and I flow with it, like a prisoner sometimes.

I am “happy” I think, but I feel more like a spectator watching my life and I’m happy that things are going “well” must of the time. I don’t feel crappy and emotional all the time, it’s basically when the “coffee mug” is getting full when things start pushing to explode…feelings are wanting to be felt, dealt with and dissipated. Like a “Normal” person does. I hold stuff in, I don’t go to the person that has hurt me and say…”I feel ____ because of how you did ____ to me.” Or whatever it is. Partly I guess because if I am hurt by someone I figure I must deserve it. (Self Esteem issues)

I know I am getting better, I was in a much worse place 3yrs and almost 8mos ago! I wouldn’t even leave the house much if at all for at least 2yrs before that. I remember driving to Silverdale with Patrick and it had been sooo long since I laughed that I remember saying something to him as we were getting off the freeway at the Mall/Target exit. “Omgosh I haven’t felt this good in soooooo long”. I remember saying it and feeling it like walking out of a cold dark place and feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. That was when I knew I was getting better…

When Patrick re-enlisted in the Navy I died inside I think. I went into a crisis overload mode of stuffing, I shoved everything in that “Coffee mug” so deep and so hard that I was numb and it didn’t explode for years. During that numbness though I missed soooo much!!!!

I am angry right now!! I am crying and feeling it!!! I am no longer numb and that’s good!!! It’s not about blame it’s not about justice or fixing anything it’s just about not being afraid to feel. I don’t have to feel like I’m not strong by crying or being pissed. It’s not about “I should haves”!!!

All that there is is Now. I am my yesterdays, but I don’t have to live in them today!

I feel better now…

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Writer’s Block: Search for intelligent life

One of my favorite movies is Contact this quote about other life in the universe. “If we’re alone in the universe, that’s an awful lot of wasted space.” So yes I believe there is other intelligent life in distant galaxies, sometimes I question the intelligence of the life on our planet. haha 😛 I do not feel we have anything to fear from other life forms from distant galaxies. I would hope we would deal peacefully with any aliens that came to visit.

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Writer’s Block: So far so good

Well, I would have to say Avatar!! It was a great movie visually, and a wonderful story. Hmm Best song… I’m not sure. I love hearing Timothy & Lydia play their violins so whatever they are playing at the time is what I think is the best song of the year! And Clarissa when she plays her recorder or sings. hehe 😛 Best book so far this year would be the one I’m reading now, “Hinds feet in High Places” because it’s about having a relationship with the savior.

Good night 🙂

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Ughh…

Just been overwhelmed lately. I am sooo looking forward to not have to deal with certain people anymore with PTA, but I am soooo going to miss working with most everyone else. PTA has been rewarding but mostly frustrating, especially this year. Finding out that people are so political is just so sad. They are all about what can I get out of this move or that move. I don’t understand how they can be that way.

Anyway, I need to get to bed. I’ll post more again tomorrow. I need to remember I have this journal. I think it helps me to write stuff down and let it go.

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I think too much about TOO MUCH…

Dear Journal,

I have been in a FUNK!! For weeks now… Easy answer I keep going to “it’s depression again”, I must NEED a pill or counseling. I say Easy, but I don’t mean it as in easy to go through, just as in easy to come up with because that was usually the problem in years past. I had those years where I used medication to try and help and I think it did; BUT it could have even been just the act of taking a pill with the idea that “this is going to help”, (something has got to help), so it did. I don’t know…

I think that there isn’t just one reason why I am having this funk, its actually lots of reasons. Continue reading →

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Digging out the journal again…

Dear Journal,

Wow…it’s been a looong while since I typed in here. The last couple weeks I’ve been feeling myself sliding down the slippery slope of depression. I guess I should be glad that I recognize it at least. I know what’s going on, just not WHY it’s going on. I haven’t really felt well since Thanksgiving and I’m not sure if it’s just a combo of things or “Habit”. I SOOOOOO much want to be happy and excited about the Holiday’s, but I just feel like crying today. Maybe I should just cry and get it over with.

I have SOOOO much to be happy and thankful for. After reading through some of my past entries in here I can see where I was so lost. Continue reading →