Dear Moon,

I am so truly blessed to have my wonderful husband Patrick, my talented and strong willed son Timothy, my wonderfully wise observant Lydia, and my creative outgoing social butterfly Clarissa. I am thankful to my creator and God for all that we are to each other. The good times and the bad. I just have been realizing lately that we have been through so very much over the past 21yrs!! I need to quit worrying about the future and being afraid of “What If’s” and just trust and have faith that God will get us through whatever comes our way.

I feel like I’m getting well, I kept feeling like a failure to be back on the welbutrin, but you know what? I need it and it is making me better so nothing to be ashamed of. Anyway, I’m tired. I’m going to listen to my body and go to bed.

Dear Moon,

Just haven’t been feeling well for a few weeks now emotionally or physically.  I’ve been in a fall “funk” I guess, I don’t know.  I started on the welbutrin about a week ago so that should be helping soon, but until than I figured I should just get some stuff out.  I think part of this is hormonal I don’t know…

My birthday is coming up next week, and I’ve been wondering what is MY point lately.  Where am I going etc…  I figure I need to figure out Where I am before I can figure out Where I’m going.  So sick of dwelling on Where I’ve Been!   Problem I guess I’m running into is that somewhere along the way I lost myself.  Everything has been about What does everyone else needs?  Now I’m in a place where I can ask…What do I need?  What do I want? … and I don’t know.

Dear Journal,

Well, the other night it hit me that maybe I had abandonment issues or something. I’ve always just felt so crappy and not known exactly why. I found this website http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/abandonment.html it is AWESOME. I am totally an internalizer, but one thing that it made me realize too is that Timothy has abandonment issues also. He is an externalizer. Made me feel bad that he could be “damaged” from all the moving around and his Daddy being gone so much, heck could have even been me being so emotionally checked out too.

While reading I also realized that I am codependent. “This need to stay distracted or externally focused is the foundation for codependency… in fact, codependency is sometimes described as “addiction to the outside”. I realized just now while I was brushing my teeth that Patrick has been keeping me enabled in away. I haven’t cleaned the bathroom in weeks, I know it needs to get cleaned but I think there was a part of me that figured he would get in there and do it. He would have in the past. A few months ago, or maybe even a year, I told Patrick to just let things get messy, it was my responsibility to just let it go. It has got to be driving him NUTS!, but I think it’s finally sinking in. All this time I “fought” cleaning or whatever around the house when he was home, because it was for HIM, so HE wouldn’t be upset or disappointed, so HE didn’t have to be in a messy house. Well, I just scrubbed the sink drain because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I filled the dishwasher because I wanted to do it because it needed to be done. I bagged up the trash and put it in the garage because it was full. But The dishes and the trash might have been a touch about Patrick. Haha

Anyway, small steps I guess. These anti-depressants are making me shaky and dizzy. I hope that part goes away. It usually takes about two weeks to get past all that. I am starting to feel “clearer” already though. I wish we could afford counseling, it would be great if I could talk with someone about all this crap that runs through my head. It is so funny that none of my counselors before ever even thought to check if I had “prior” damage from childhood, just seemed to want to deal with my issues with Patrick being gone. Probably was stemming from being 6yrs old and my parents divorcing, my Dad became an every other weekend Dad who wanted to punish Mom through us kids.

Ok well, I’m going to go sleep for a little while.

Dear Journal,

Hi again, I was starting to feel the “blues” coming on again so I decided to start taking the Welbutrin that the Dr. prescribed at my last visit. I didn’t want to have to be on pills again. I always just figured before it was because of the “navy” stuff that made me feel so crappy. I think mostly it’s from being lonely. Not having that feeling that there is someone in this world, (other than my wonderful hubby of course) that REALLY has time to or even wants to listen to me rattle on about my day or bitch about this or that. Not even my Mom would listen without judgement. I just want someone who would just love me warts and all. I think there are many people who would say that they would “be there” for me, but I honestly don’t believe that there are many who actually would. I would totally be there for anyone who asked me to, although I’m not in a good place myself to actually probably help anyone, but I would listen and help them if someone needed me.

Ugh… It’s 3:40am and I’m just tired and probably emotional from the meds too. I do have friends and I haven’t ever really tried just calling one up and giving them a chance to be my “person”. I’m just always afraid that they are going to think my “Stuff” is just whining and I shouldn’t feel a certain way or I’m basically just wasting their time so I just don’t call anyone. I don’t even talk with Patrick.

Anyway, good night Journal. I’ve still got you! hahaha (Does this count as talking to myself?)

Dear Journal,

This is what’s come up in my emotional vomit for this “Time of the Month” Hormones suck…Ewwwww:

PTA Meeting tonight went pretty well, but the meeting before it about the Title 1 stuff was kind of eye opening, and heart wrenching in someways. I think back about being a kid and how alone I felt so much of the time!! “Broken” home, alcoholic step dad, violence, moving, etc… I mostly remember feeling and hearing that I wasn’t good enough by Family, Teachers, Church, etc…= Fat Slob…

My Mom was so busy with 4 kids and trying to work full time running her own beauty shop. Seems like life revolved around “Classic Hairstyling”, and her relationships. I am sure she did everything she could to take care of us. She made sure that we had clothing, shelter, food, but I don’t remember her sitting with me and reading a book or cuddling to watch TV. I don’t remember being “loved”, but I know she did because I had food, shelter, clothing, she’d do my hair (It would take 4 HOURS to roll it with perm rods after she’d worked all day! or on a saturday after working all week.) and try and help me look more girly. She signed me up for exercise classes, and got me Piano lessons. I just remember her being tired all the time from working such long hours which is completely understandable.

I don’t recall anyone ever being interested in me and taking time to get to know me or hang out with me. No one really said I was important in words and actions. I mostly remember feeling like I was a “Pain in the Ass”. I admit I was pretty annoying when it came to my siblings, but in my defense I think I was looking for attention and to feel accepted in some way. I was wanting to be loved un-conditionally. Even at church I wasn’t going to go to heaven because I wasn’t doing alllllll these things I had to do to get there.

When I am helping out at the kids schools, I look at some of the kids there that have parents that are divorced, the parents much of the time fight and argue as much as when they were married… As a child of divorced parents you are told shitty things about one parent vs the other. I honestly don’t remember my Dad talking bad about my Mom though much actually, just lots of tension/anger when she was brought up. My Mom would complain about my Dad, but than seem to catch herself and than say that he was a “Good Man”.

My Mom says that I was my Dad’s favorite before they divorced. I was “Daddy’s Little Girl” to the point where he pushed my older brother and sister away because I was HIS biological daughter. What’s funny is I grew up and still feel like I don’t belong in my family. (My older brother came up to Washington once when they were thinking of moving out of California to check out places to possibly live.) I don’t know what I could do to change that, but I pretty sure it has to be my fault. Doesn’t it? I think I tend to put it on the FAT, and maybe that’s why I hold on to being this weight. If I were to loose weight and they still didn’t try and contact me and get to know me etc… I’d have to realize that it is me who I am, and not just the Fat. Psycho I know. Haha Another reason being an island seems to be a good idea. I can’t upset anyone, or hurt anyone and I don’t have to be on my guard ALL the time. Wonder why is someone REALLY being nice to me. Funny thing is I put myself out there when we moved here to Bremerton and I set myself up over and over again. I need to figure out how to just not be so open. I just keep looking for that connection to a Family!!!! I want to feel like I belong SOMEWHERE! The funny thing is I belong here with my wonderful Hubby and kids, BUT in the back of my mind I think they would be fine and maybe better off without me.

Going through school when I was a kid I just remember a few teachers that seemed to be kind, I remember a bunch that were not so kind. I never had anyone sit me down and say… Sharolyn, you’re a good kid, you have potential to do and be anything you want. What do you want? Who do you want to be? I remember being told that I was so fat all the time, even on my wedding day I thought I was fat!!! I look at my wedding photo now and think OMGOSH!! That women was beautiful, and I realize now that I will never look that good again and I never even enjoyed it when I did look beautiful.

We left around 9am for Rainer which was actually VERY cool since we don’t EVER leave at the time we plan to.  It was a PERFECT day for a trip up to Paradise!  Thing is, good thing we left early because I think half the state had the same idea we did and went to Rainer today.  Lol!  We parked in a lower lot and took the shuttle to the visitor’s center.  All brand new!! Last time we were there was in 2004 I think.

We hiked up one trail to an area with water falls and than I was done and Patrick took pitty on me and stayed with me. Susan and the kids hiked up further.

Susan got them to hike up to the trail that ended up covered in snow.  Pretty much needed some kind of snow shoes to go on from there.  Someday maybe one of the kids will hike Mt. Rainer.  Their Uncle Peter and their Great Uncle Bill went to the summit.

I was just going through “Poem pieces” I’ve made over the years looking for something I had written for Patrick and I’s anniversary a few years back and found this from my Navy Wife days…

“These lands have been built on the tears of us wives,
the air in this world is shared by our cries,
and wars have been won through the strength of our love,
carried for miles and fortified from above.”

I never finished it, but after reading about 5 soldiers killed in Iraq today it sort of popped out at me to share it. http://www.foxnews.com/world/2011/06/06/us-military-5-american-soldiers-killed-in-iraq/

My heart breaks to know someone somewhere is mourning the loss of their Husband, Son, Father, Brother (the Female reverse of each), that died.  I know Patrick was fairly safe in the US Navy, but he still was at risk and there was always worry anyway.  This just touched me that there hadn’t been any American casualties for 2yrs in Iraq until today, any kind of “peace” military families might have been feeling about their Soldiers in Iraq has now been shattered.