Dear Journal,

I wish I had a family…I mean I have a family, I’m married and have 3 children, but I wish I had family that I could hang out with and count on. I was a “late in life” baby, or basically as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized what my Mom was telling me all my growing up years…I was a mistake. An “oopsy” baby. Continue reading →

Happiness like a butterfly…

pstlc5
Posted on Feb 27, 2008 12:25 PM
I came on the site to post an “Aha” moment I had while reading A New Earth and looked at the “article” about “Seven steps to be coming a Happier Person”, and read this quote…Henry David Thoreau: “Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.” And there again another Aha moment. I had thought I was depressed for over 10years! And I mean what I say… Because I THOUGHT I was depressed I was. Over the past couple years and the lessons I learned in my “weekend” stay at the mental ward at the local hospital, information (yes from the Oprah show) from books, and just life; I have FINALLY realized I choose to be happy. I read that quote about the Butterfly and it hit me that we can not be happy unless we are a place where happy can be. Does that make sense? I started with the “fake it ’till you make it” method actually. I would think, ok if I were happy i’d smile often, I’d be thankful more, I’d try and be helpful and kind to others and make their lives a better happier place, etc… I can say now that Butterfly is on my shoulder because I created a nice place for it to be. Not sure if this is in the right place on the forums, but I figure that this is where I was drawn to put it so I hope this message will touch someone that needs it and just to KNOW that you can be happy.

It’s that time of the month and it always seems to make me emotional and reflective. Guess that can be a good thing, but to some people I knew it is just drama. For the past couple of years I’ve noticed that “emotions” have been refered to as drama in online gaming, myspace, between friends, etc… “Leave the Drama for your Mama” or something like that. Just seems to me that emotions have their purpose and if we all just keep shoving them aside to keep them from those that can’t “handle” them than how healthy is that. Enotions should just clue us in that someone really cares about something or someone to a point of pure happiness or the other extreme blinding fury to everything in between. We are ALL different inside and out… Continue reading →

Dear Diary,

I was reminded yesterday or the day before that I have this LJ and figured I should update with a new entry, it’s been awhile. Well, the time has finally come. Continue reading →

I’m feeling pretty blue today, sick of having to wait for people to be available to hang out with me. Seems like I’m always waiting for someone. I suppose I should just be happy to be with myself, but just doesn’t work out that way. I’ve been playing World of Warcraft quite a bit lately and enjoy hanging out with friends there, but still people get busy in the game even and I end up just by myself, too much like real life to be an escape and entertaining.

I keep hoping things will be better when Patrick finally gets out of the Navy, but I’m afraid I’m still going to feel like this. He’s a very independant personality so even when he is home I don’t usually have him to hang out with. I guess I want some one to be passionate about me. I suppose that is a fantasy? No one is every REALLY passionate about anyone?

I don’t know, maybe I’m just being sad and should go cry and get it over with. My councelor asked me that once when we were talking about the time I put myself in the hospital cause I was just crying so much and felt so out of countrol. “Why were you afraid to be crying?” I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid, but I guess somewhere I figured I wasn’t supposed to be. I think when I was a kid I always was trying to be happy for some reason. Didn’t want anyone to think I was sad about stuff that was going on.

I remember when my Mom would take us to a hotel to use the pool cause Bill was sooo drunk. It had to be pretty expensive to just get a room and use the pool like that. We were happy to use the pool from the kids point of view, but I think we all knew why we were there so that was kind of sad. I guess life is just full of things that are bittersweet.

I just wish it were possible to have sweet for awhile, it’d be nice I think, and someone to share it with even better.

Hi Babe,

Well, last couple days have been rather looong, it’s really hard to have you home and be “used” to you and than blip you’re gone. I miss you already and I know there’s still much more time to go. I’m trying to get on a better sleep schedule (as usual) so I’m going to keep this short. Continue reading →

I was just sitting here starting to read the novel “East of Eden” and he’s starting out remembering childhood, “secret names of flowers”, and it made me remember mine. I didn’t have any secret names for the flowers that I can remember, but there was this pond behind the houses between the houses and the golf course were we would play. Continue reading →

Well, looks like I’m FINALLY starting to feel better. I don’t think I’ve ever been sick for this long before. Coughing and Coughing. ER told me last weekend that I have bronchitis and than when I went to the Dr. last Continue reading →

Thoughts of Mortality have been really hard to deal with the past year or 2. Also, knowing that my Mother has Multiple Myeloma cancer and will more than likely die from it or complications from it just drives me nuts. Of all the people in the world to get this cancer why MY Mom. She has been through soooo much in her life. She raised 4 kids pretty much on her own. My Dad helped her as he could, but that wasn’t much for 4 kids. Sam and Susan are about 5yrs older than Stuart and I and I was working it out the other night she was 57 when I graduated from High School. She has finally found that really special someone to spend the rest of her life with and now it will be cut short by cancer. I mean sounds like she will have 8yrs there abouts I guess, but this cancer is really debilitating it sounds like. I’m scared for her, also I don’t know how I will live without my Mom just a phone call away…