Author Archives

by

January 19th, 2011

Dear Journal,

Dang I can’t believe it’s been 10days since I wrote an entry. “Time just keeps on slippin slippin slippin… into the future…” I’ve been in one of my “Funks” the past few days. Pretty much, ever since this person blind sided me on Friday morning when I was at Crownhill helping with Popcorn, I’ve been creeped out. I haven’t talked with him for almost a year, and he knew that Timothy was swimming, and was trying to make small talk and chit chat. I don’t want anything to do with this person anymore and I can’t seem to get away from him. He doesn’t get a hint and he obviously must be too caught up in himself to realize that he is an a** and that he should just leave me alone.

I don’t know why this whole issue with him has bothered me so much, and why I let it get to me. I guess he symbolizes my ignorance in opening up and letting people in and making more out of a friendship then is really there. I have in the past made this same mistake, you would think I’d learn. I have had friends who I thought were friends to me, end up not being friends at all. I don’t know where I got the idea, but somewhere I either learned or made up that…”A friend is someone you ARE, not someone you HAVE”…So, when I am someone’s friend I am just that, A Friend. Which means that I care for them and am willing to help them and am kind and just you know be a friend. LOL! I guess that is what people usually have family for in their lives, but since I haven’t had family for so long my friends are my family. I thought this person and I were friends, I cared about him and his family, and I “THOUGHT” or “assumed” (Makes an ASS-out of You and Me) that he cared about me and my family. So at convention last year when I realized that I was a complete and total fool, watching him getting caught in a lie a few times while talking with the regional director I was just floored, betrayed, hurt, shocked, etc… I guess I suspected that he was a jerk, and was undermining the PTA, but just didn’t want to believe it, but after that mediated meeting I KNEW how much of a jerk he really was.

I guess every time I see him now it just reminds me how I just must be stupid!! Also, he acts like nothing happened at all, like Friday when he tried talking with me. It would be different I think if he apologized because then I could know he was aware that he hurt me and he was sorry for that, but he didn’t. So he is either a completely self absorbed arrogant jerk, or he knows and he doesn’t care, or BOTH. After working with him for a year I’m pretty much at saying that he is BOTH. Haha

Another thing that hit me while typing this is that I think I looked to him as a “father figure”, or a “big brother” and maybe that’s why it’s making it more difficult. I would have to say I have “Father” issues!! My parents were divorced when I was 6 I think it was, so I saw my Dad every other weekend and than 1 week during the summer. I don’t remember anything about my parents being together accept one night waking up and seeing my Dad chocking my Mom, and another time when they were going through the divorce when my Mom was in the door way and my Dad was in the driveway and she was pointing a shotgun at him to stay away, OH! and the time when My Mom had my brother and I in the car, and my Dad was following her in his car and she drove right to the police station. He ended up having to stay in jail for 3 days for assault with a deadly weapon. I remember people joking at how stupid he was to follow her to the police station. He just didn’t want a divorce, but he was too controlling to stay married to I guess from what my Mom said and my 2 other step Moms.

ANYWAY!!… haha My first Step dad Bill is the one I think of as my Dad I guess, he’s the one that taught me to ride a bike and gave me a job helping him with order forms. He was an alcoholic though so I have some “fun” stories to tell there too…

Patrick just woke up and told me I need to get to sleep, and he’s right. Had an old friend tell me the same thing on Facebook, and I need to start taking care of myself, and start listening to the people who are my friends and REALLY care about me and stop dwelling on the people that don’t, or that hurt me. Someday I’ll get it all figured out. hehe Ok maybe not, but maybe someday I’ll figure out it just really doesn’t matter I guess?

Goodnight…

by

January 7, 2011

Dear Journal,

I’m going to keep this pretty short tonight since im really tired. Hehe Went to Seattle today to Jori’s lab appointment and then headed over to the south center mall. Been awhile since I’d been there. Was a lot of fun spending the day together and I even got a butter dish. Haha wanted one forever. Sort of needed one now though since we keep catching “Nutterbutter” (Our newest edition to our feline part of the family) licking the butter. Grrrr…

On the way back we saw some really pretty rainbows!! There was one as we were passing through Gorst looking back across the Sound towards Port Orchard that was like a double rainbow, but really close together. Full spectrum twice in a row snuggled up with each other. It was beautiful, and I hadn’t ever seen that before. I love living here in this area of the country even though it rains a ton. Hehe.

Patrick and I hadn’t spent much time together the past couple weeks, which is odd I know considering he’s been home most of the time lately, since he hasn’t been working. I guess the underlying stress of it all just makes it so we are together but not really talking because we just really don’t want to talk about the “what ifs” and worry about the “could happens”. So we finally had a date night tonight. We spent money and just enjoyed each others company and hung out. It was really nice for a change.

Ok time for bed, going to go snuggle up with the man I’ve been spending “For better and For worse” with for over 20yrs. 🙂 I sure love that man of mine!

Mighty night!

by

January 6, 2011

Dear Journal,

What a day! Lol. Headed out around 11:30am to head over to Lowes and Lingenbrink Ortho to get the iPod touch I won. Drove over and picked up Sage and checked out her new porch and stairs which look awesome I might add, and chatted with the contractor guy who is doing the work. He is really nice and we ended up on the topic of squirrels and found out the large nests that I see in many of the trees around the area here are squirrel nests. Which I thought was pretty cool.

Well from there we headed off to Lowes to get my “cleaning bucket” and ended up hitting Taco Bell for a little $2 deal lunch. Yummy. We ended up talking and laughing like we always do when we are hanging out. We hung out for awhile in Lowes parking lot than headed in for the search for the “cleaning bucket”. First the guy that greeted us offered me the 1gal size and I had to tell him that was just to big, so he took us over to an area with lots of paint buckets etc… Sage and I found a smallish one that I really like that was just right, and she said her mom has the same bucket, so figured it must be the perfect size “grin” which I do think it will be great, nice and sturdy and perfect size for my scrub brush. :). So, we headed out and we were thirsty so stopped at Jack in the Box for a large tea…(they have the best iced tea I think).

Well, we headed back to my house and sat down and than I realized we hadn’t stopped to pick up the iPod. *face palm* …

So Patrick was also needing a really sturdy light bulb for his work light in the garage soooo…. We headed back over to Lowes, we went through the different bulbs and then left and then I was a bit hungry so we hit Taco bell again. Haha same lady was working and she thought it was pretty funny and asked if we’d be back later, had to break it to her that we wouldn’t be back again today. Hahaha

So we headed home, but realized that it was almost time to get Calli, Tel and Kaitlyn from school, so we couldn’t go get the Ipod and headed straight to the school to get the kids. Then we headed to their house and dropped everyone off, and I pulled up in front of the house and was like… Againg I didn’t get the IPod! So it was almost 4pm, I called in to Patricks phone and asked him to send Lydia out and after calling the Ortho office to make sure they would be there we raced off, Marifae said she would be there until 4:20pm and we made it. She is such a sweet lady, and we were able to meet her hubby. What a cute couple! Anyway, I had told Lydia that she was going to have to wait until her birthday to get the iPod, but since she was with me i figured what the heck she could have it now. She was soooo happy, she even did this little “I got an IPod touch dance” as we were leaving. Ill have to ask Marifae if she saw her. Hahaha

After we had left for the Ortho office Patrick had texted that we should pick up Timothy from swim practice while we were out so we TCDD back sure, and than got the iPod, and after getting it headed HOME… Oops!! We get part way over the bridge and than I remember. Ughh… We FORGOT TO GET TIMOTHY from swim practice. Hahahh Lydia and I were gabbing about how the iPod touch would get broken or stolen on the way home or in the next couple days, and just laughing our butts off. She had gotten a cell phone her 6th grade year and was soooo excited about this cell phone that flipped out sort of like a jackknife and was an mp3 player, it ended up getting stolen TWICE and she had so much heart ache and stress over it that I think we realized somewhere during that whole issue that it was “Just a phone” that our giggling was our way of reminding ourselves that yes this IPod touch is awesomely cool! But, it is still just a thing and isn’t really that important to get sooo upset about if something terrible should happen to it.

I felt bad for Clarissa when we got home and she saw Lydia had the only thing she really wanted for Christmas! We told her that she would get one for her birthday, but she really didn’t want to have to wait. She was upset a bit and than she realized she will be getting hers and chilled out some. When we had asked Lydia what she had wanted for her birthday, since it is in like 20days, she really just said books. I had asked her if she would want an iPod touch and she was saying “no they cost too much” because she is old enough to realize all this money mess with Patrick not having been working. So winning an IPod touch I know was for her. She is so good with money, smart with her education, and has most always acted so mature. Well accept when she would run headlong for the ocean when she was little because she loved the water sooooo much. Hehe

Well, I better wrap this up, heading to Seattle tomorrow for Jori’s dr apt. Sage and I are taking Jori, Clarissa, Calli, and Kk so it should be a fun day. Sooo, I’ll have to wait until Saturday to use my new “cleaning bucket”!

Nighty night

by

January 5, 2011

Dear Journal,

Wow two days in a row this is pretty good! Was a crazy day sort of. I didn’t get to bed until late last night and than was woke up early this am and am now feeling it but wanted to journal before going to bed.

Took the kids ice skating today. Lydia’s friend called yesterday and suggested the outing since it is early real ease from school and free admission and only $2.50 skate rental on wednesday with a coupon from the community center so the kids and I went. I didn’t skate today since I wasn’t sure what it’d be like there and so Timothy and I hung out while the girls all skated. It was fun hanging out. They had WiFi available so Timothy kept taking the IPad to look at music for the talent show. It’s fun to watch him be soooo excited, but annoying because I wanted to read a book I downloaded. Lol I figure hanging out with Timothy was a much better choice. I am sooo thankful for my wonderful kids. I like to think I had a hand in the being good kids, but I believe for the most part they are just really good at heart.

Anyway, got home and relaxed a bit and then got a call from a friend who needed some help. I was so pleased, not sure if that is the word I am looking for, but am glad she felt comfortable to call and ask for my help and I am glad I was able to for the most part. Her Dad ended up in the hospital tonight and it’s just got to be so scary to see her Dad going through this and not knowing what’s wrong and what choices needed to be made for his care. After staying a little while and talking with the nurses I left and I feel hopeful that he will recover and be around awhile longer. Still my heart is with her and I pray that she is comforted and that the Drs and nurses will be guided to know what to do if there is anything that can be done, and if not I hope that if it is his time to go that he goes without pain and is able to say goodbye and that she is able to say goodbye too.

After I got back I talked with Patrick a little but he was getting ready for bed. He has an interview in the morning so I’m hoping that he gets the job and the pay will be sufficient. We know that he probably won’t get what he was making at his old job, but something is better than nothing. He hopes that the base will call with an offer, he would rather work on the base than out in town again.

Well I better get to bed. Night night.

by

January 4, 2011

Dear journal,

Just figured I’d start trying to journal daily. Just going to see how it goes and not stress myself out about it. Yesterday I woke up from a dream crying and I’ve been in a funk ever since. Just feel bad that I haven’t seen my Mom and Dad in along time, been about five years now. I’m torn between being close with my parents and keeping my distance. I know that sounds stupid but I have had to deal with goodbyes so much that I have some strange warped idea that if I am not close with my parents. It will hurt less when they die. I know logically that I could even go first and that if I keep this distance I will end up with just regret. There was a song in my dream in the background. “is it over” by Yohanna and I just kept thinking that it’s my fault we aren’t close.

Well for the most part I’ve been a big slacker the past few days, weeks actually. I need to get stuff sone! House is a mess. I just can’t seem to get motivated. Probably the money stress and worry about Patrick not working. Just so frustrating. I did win an iPod touch though so that was super awesome!!!

Well I better get to bed it’s after eleven. Kids are just now finally getting settled down and getting to bed. Grrr… Timothy was just down here asking me about a medley he wants to put together for the talent show. He should have been in bed an hour ago. He will probably take another hour getting ready for bed. Hehe

by

Anxiety most of the day, but a pretty good day over all!

Dear Journal,

Well, I had this underlying anxiety going all day, not sure what that was all about, but was a bit unnerving. I didn’t really get going until around Noon, but felt good pretty much over all. I got a lot out of my system last night on here so I guess that was good. Haha I finished up the Treasurer’s report and had all my “ducks in a row” so I felt good about that at the PTA meeting tonight. I tend to make Mountains out of Mole Hills and make mundane trivial things HUGE and overwhelming. I guess it goes with the irrational thought processes that contribute to my depression issue.

I have learned techniques to deal with the thoughts sometimes, the Generalizations especially, but sometimes it seems like their aren’t thoughts involved I just feel like crap. Also, I think sometimes I’m just reacting like anyone would to life stresses but since I’ve been depressed before it’s like I’m always trying to be vigilant as to what is going on so that I don’t get into the “break down” situation again. I think that when I had my break down 5yrs ago that was a whole completely different situation in that Patrick was still Active duty military, I was stressed with going to school, taking care of 3 kids alone, and than on top of that not having any family or friends to count on for help which I think was a HUGE factor. Solitary confinement makes you crazy. haha Now I am not doing this alone, I have Patrick here, the kids are older (they have always been helpful and wonderful kids for the most part.) and I have awesome friends that care and I just don’t think I could ever get into that dark lonely place again, but I still am always trying to be careful.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is I feel good at the moment, I spent the last two days in bed most of the time in a weird place and I’m out now so I guess I need to work on dealing with stresses better. I think there were just too many all at once which made this past couple days worse. I feel good right now!! And I think I learned from this time so hopefully I won’t have this happen again any time soon. I need to talk the stuff out with Patrick as it comes up, also the fact that I’ll NEED to be starting back to work soon pretty much threw me off guard, brought up a lot of the crap that goes with being a Mom & a Full time employee. I HATED the feeling when you are expected to choose between your children and your job. That is the worst feeling! Having to decide which is more important taking care of your child when they are sick or working to pay the bills and put food on the table. I didn’t ever want to have to get back into that situation. I go without professional hair cuts, manicures, I go without new clothes, shoes etc.. until they are holey and or falling off, so I don’t have to work. I think it will be different now, the kids are all older and can take care of themselves basically and I am kind of excited to get back out there now that I’m typing about the possiblity of going back to work in here. hehe It would be like getting my identity back, not just being “Mom” all the time.

I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up though. I would love to find a job where I could talk with people all day long, and do data entry, filing (yes I like to file I’m weird), answer phones, have deadlines, and a PAYCHECK! hehe It’s frustrating sometimes that the M.O.M. job doesn’t have a paycheck, nothing at the end of the week that says. “You are worth this…Much”

Ok well, I need to go get some of my MOM duties done and just enjoy this time home with the family. I’m sitting here next to Timothy while he plays on the kids computer. Patrick is upstairs with the girls watching Myth-busters. 😀 I LOVE MY FAMILY!! I am so thankful that we are all happy and healthy and have a warm safe home to live in. I am VERY blessed!!

Goodnight Journal!

by

Just read some of my past entries…

Dear Journal,

I know I should be in bed, but was messing around on here and changed the background theme and read through some of my old entries. Now I’m just like UGH!!…

I suspect that if someone were to describe me from my past I would think they would say “Happy, Friendly, Upbeat, Open, Honest etc..”, but if I were to describe myself (Especially after reading the entries here) I would have to use words like “Recluse, hurt, bitter, angry, etc…”. I remember there was a time when I was soooo much like the first list of words. I want to be open, friendly, and TRUSTING again.

Life was so much richer when I could see the goodness in others and didn’t feel like I needed to be always “On my guard” and hold myself back from letting people in. I guess I always assumed that the longer I lived in one place the closer I would become to people, but seems like that’s not the case, and I don’t know if it’s something I did or didn’t do that keeps everyone pretty much at a distance. Sage is such a wonderful friend in every sense of the word. I have always told the kids…”A friend is someone you ARE, not just someone you have.” And Sage is a friend to me, I trust that she would be there if I needed her, and that even though I might get on her nerves at times she cares about me anyway. There is a part of me that is damaged I guess, that doesn’t “trust” in our friendship as deeply as I would have in the past. Having issues with trusting people now has pretty much sucked all the COLOR out of the world.

Life is too short to spend sooo much time “On guard” or Angry…I need to just open up again and “Que Sera Sera” If I get hurt in the process so be it, I suspect I’ll get much more joy out of life than hurt if I stop being so closed off! Now can I get this tattooed on my forehead and as my desktop wallpaper, and on the bathroom mirror, etc… I just need to always remember what was said “I never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it!”

Ok NOW I’m off to bed. 2am that’s not too bad…

by

Stressed…

Dear Journal,

I really need to remember to unload here to you rather than keep everything inside until I bust. I get more and more stressed or upset about stuff and I just keep it all in and than I get into one of my “Funks” and am depressed to where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I remember them telling me that once I’d been depressed it’s easy to slip back into the cycle, well HELL!! They weren’t kidding even a little bit. I need to go back to counseling probably so I can learn more techniques on dealing with feelings/emotions in a more “normal” rational way I guess, too bad it costs $25 a visit!! I don’t know where I learned the coping techniques I use, but they suck! Maybe when I was a kid they worked, but now they don’t.

First off I need to learn to forgive and forget!!! Dave is a complete psycho ASS, that uses people to work his agenda and get what he wants. I was stupid and thought we were all friends and learned the hard way with that type of person that you can’t trust ’em. I still am floored to realize how skeezy he is and how Jen, Barb & Michelle warned me about is shitty ways. Why do I give people the benefit of the doubt. I just think of how I trusted Jen and Barb too, thinking they were my friends and realized that Jen is psycho and Barb is nice but clueless when it comes to Jen. To have Dave, Barb & Jen all on the same PTA bored just floors me because I heard them all bitch about each other for literally years! Jen & Barb would tell me what a jerk Dave was, and Dave “explained” how Jen & Barb were worthless. Now to see them all chummy is just mind boggling. I always try and be “real” with people, “what you see is what you get”. I honestly try and treat others with kindness and hope that if I do offend someone they will come to ME and let me know what I did so that I can make it right. I just don’t understand people!!! Ever since convention where Dave showed me his true “Face” I am back into the wanting to just not go outside and be around people anymore.

Second I need to figure out how to not keep blaming myself for stuff… Should’a Would’a Could’as just really don’t help me AT ALL!!

Third I need to figure out how to go see my parents before they pass, it makes me feel so bad to realize that I may never get to hug my Mom or Dad again. My Mom turned 80 today, and Dad will be 83 in Jan. *Boggle* I haven’t seen either of them in 5 years!!! Ever since Patrick retired from the Navy our finances have gotten worse and worse I guess hind sight is 20/20 because I look back now and the economy was taking a dump as our finances were taking a dump. We finally in October started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and now I all I can see is the tunnel caving in around us. I don’t want to loose our house. THIS IS THE LONGEST I HAVE EVER LIVED ANYWHERE IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!! 42 years old and I’ve lived here for SEVEN!!! YEARS!!! I don’t want to loose this house and have to go back to apartments and start all over again…

I KNOW I have tons to be thankful for! I understand that and I am thankful, and I trust that things will happen as they are intended too. If there is a lesson that needs to be learned here, stuff will continue until that lesson is learned. I just wish I could figure it out sooner. haha Ever since the shit started to hit the fan I worry each month, and every month it all works out. I know I should trust that everything will work out, BUT there is a big part of me that is tainted by my religious upbringing that makes me feel like God can’t love me since I’m not doing all those things that a “good religious person should” be doing. Like I can’t be loved or cared about unless I’m doing ______ or ______. It’s crazy! Also the big one since Patrick and I were sealed in the temple that we are basically worse than a serial killer and going to “Hell” because we aren’t doing all that we “Should” be doing. Ugh!!! Most of the time I can think over that “Stuff” and remember that God loves ME! But, when stuff starts hitting the fan it is really hard sometimes, I think what did I do wrong, what am I being punished for and why is it punishing my whole family.

Ok I guess typing all this out does help. I can start to see the irrational areas of my thought processes and now that I see them hopefully I can turn them around or at least make the mountains back into what they are…mole hills. haha Well, I better go fold some clothes and get to bed. It’s “that time of the month” so that tends to make me extra crazy I think, and gives me insomnia which having my sleep screwed up really messes with my mood too.

Good night Journal!